My Turn with the Wand

I’m not sure about all the butch lesbians out in the world, but I know my other butch/AG/femme aggressive/futch/NYC lesbian friends make it their business to avoid going to the GYN. I know sometimes when Callie is with her friends and had an appointment at the GYN (pre-pregnancy days) they would sit and inject their conversation with a huge dose of “oh, and at the GYN today…” Say whaaaaaattttt?!?! I will avoid the conversation at all cost. Mainly, because 1) I never go (once every 2 years or so seems like more than enough, thank you!) and 2) Why in the HELL would I want to relive the horrendous experience that is a random stranger, with a fluorescent light, with cold unknown fingers, between my legs, all up in my BIZNESS! Absolutely not! But, it was time to make my bi-(sometimes tri)yearly trip.

Going to the “lady parts” doctor is a freaking process. I’m pretty good about shaving my legs (up to the knee because my cargo shorts hit to about that point so what the heck do I have to shave higher for?!), the underarms because most of the time I can be found in an A-Shirt lounging around my house, and “the goods” are taken care of at least once every 2-3 days. When it’s time for that appointment, we’re talking about a 45 minute mission to get every single hair off my body and I find myself shaving in places I didn’t even know grew hair! I’ve got one leg up, arm over here, hand over there, other leg at some weird angle with my head in some weird Exorcistesque position trying to look at every nook and cranny to find where some dark little hair may lie, razor in one hand, looking like a Puerto Rican pretzel! Trust me! It’s complete madness! But I can’t go in there, meeting this person, exposing myself and have them be like, “Ok Wolverine! Calm down, relax, and drop your knees to the side.”

All of that said, had to go check out the ovaries today, because my PCOS has gotten the best of me. Let me run this down for u. The following are the days that I had AF…
January- 2-16
February- 20-23
March -Nothing
April- Nothing
May – 29-30
June- 6-21, 27-July 13
August – spotting all month

I’m starting to get really aggravated because there have been several times at work where I have completely bled through my clothes. Luckily for me, the times that this has happened have been on my overnight shifts (about 3 times) and the only people in the building are the security guard at the front desk and myself. It’s not like I wasn’t prepared for my period. I have a box (yes! A whole 40 count super plus BOX) of tampons in my backpack, extra pads (because when I get my period I have to wear 2 overnight pads from pretty much my bellybutton to the small of my back) and a crapload of ibuprofen/Motrin/Tylenol to keep the cramps and leg pain at bay. I STILL managed to bleed all the way through my khakis, the corner of my shirt and on my computer chair. Thank goodness I keep a container of Clorox wipes in my desk. As I explained all of this to her, she did my PAP and we talked about going on a low hormone BCP which I’m excited about (NOT), the usual “losing weight with diet and exercise” which is extremely difficult due to the PCOS, trying some Spironolactone for the male pattern hair growth (after all that shit, guess I missed a spot!) and having a transvaginal ultrasound just to kind of confirm that my PCOS was still as I had described it.

We walked over to the sonogram closet ( “room” would be giving the space too much credit), and I sat on the table, put my socked feet in the stirrups and took a deep breath. The wand was directly to my right, and I could see it there, taunting me, with its “Na-Na-Na-poo-poo! You’re gonna get it!” imaginary face. The damn thing wasn’t even looking lubricated enough and I’m thinking to myself, “Really lady!?! I keeps it tight!”. She grabbed the wand, and lucky me, she grabbed some gel out of the warmer and put a whole bunch of it on (what gave it away? The baby speculum I requested during the PAP?), and indeed confirmed all of the ridiculous amounts of tiny cysts in most of my follicles. CURSES! I was hoping it wouldn’t be as prominent as it had been 2-3 years ago, but I was wrong! While feeling tons of pressure, the need to pee desperately, and just totally uncomfortable, I suddenly had this overwhelming feeling of admiration and love for Callie. She must have been through this at least, at minimum, 6-7 times a month for 16 months. The amount of love that that woman has for me and for our family and for us, to have to endure this kind of thing countless times made me realize that I have to suck it up, put on my big girl boxer briefs (or take them off actually) and get things done so that I can one day be able to have a healthy body to host our next baby. Callie’s little embryos will hopefully like living in my body, despite how hectic and damaged it all may seem right now.

When it was all said and done, I threw my clothes back on as quickly as I could, tied up my Clark’s, washed and sanitized my hands, grabbed my prescription, made an appointment for a follow-up in 2 months (What the eff!?!?! 2 visits in one year?! This ish is getting outta hand!) and hauled ass. I got into my car and on my 25 minute drive home decided, “Hey! You know what? I’m gonna join the club of ladies who talk to their besties about their misadventures at the GYN.” And hopefully, in about a year and a few months, this will all be sorted out and my body will be ready to do what it always felt it needed/had to… Be a belly-mama…

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13 thoughts on “My Turn with the Wand

  1. Birth control was the best thing I did. I stopped bleeding like crazy so I stopped being anemic. It increased my energy levels and reduced the hormone and mood swings. It’s really not a big deal for most, just track how it goes and switch meds if you have more mood swings or bleeding than before.

    • I’ve been on the pill several times before, different pills, but I just don’t do well with it. I try and take it for at least 6 months to get a good idea of how it’s working or if it’s working, but it always ends up being worse. Sometimes I couldn’t even get out of bad because the pain was so bad, and the bleeding was so heavy that I would have to call out of work, otherwise i would spend the whole time in the bathroom. Granted, i was getting it every month basically, but it was horrible! But I’m gonna try these and see how it goes with these meds because I’ve never taken it before. Hopefully, i’ll have some success like you did!

  2. I loved this post. Not the circumstances, of course, but I got a good grin out of it on a pretty crappy day (and sheesh, it’s only 10…) For what it’s worth, some of us femmey types absolutely cringe with horror at those appointments. Seriously, the INDIGNITY!

  3. Aw, sorry it was horrible! If it makes you feel any better, it does get easier. Plus you stop giving a shit about your body hair – they have seen it all. 😉 My favorite RE quote from the trying to get pregnant days was when one of the male docs put the drape back down over my lady bits after an ultrasound and said, “I’m just going to put this here and pretend like you still have some dignity left.”

  4. I don’t think any one likes to go to those appointments. I also have PCOS and used to have crazy cycles around 35-45 days apart, now they have regulated. They put me on metformin which the first few weeks of will make you miserable and they say diet and exercise but i did more of the work out and eat less bad stuff lol. After 3 months I am down to 28 to 30 days. I wish you luck : )

    • WOW! That’s great! I lost a ton of weight, but it;s hard to keep it off because of the PCOS. I feel like i have to fight so hard to lose 5 lbs and even harder to keep it off! But i’m totally getting on that…i HAVE to! This is making me nuts! And thanks for the luck! I’ll need it..

      • 🙂 You will do great. I just started insanity for the first time so I will be updating on that each week. So once a week for 8 weeks. Also I love yoga pilates it has helped me so much. & yes we have a harder time but in the end its so worth it.

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