Starlight Bloggers Award!!!

I’m so glad to have been nominated for this award by two bloggers whose blogs I love to read!  Bumbi’s Mom and LifeAsAGayMom…these ladies are so great about writing raw, honest, emotional and real posts about the joys and struggles of being mom…and I am grateful for the friendships we have formed…so thanks for the nod and thanks for being you!

The rules are:

• Thank the giver and link their blog to your post.
• Answer the 3 questions given to you.
• Please pass the award on to 6 or more other bloggers of your choice and let them know that they have been nominated by you.
• Include the logo of the award in a post or on your blog (please never alter the logo and never change the rules).
• This Award is created to highlight and promote Inspiring Bloggers.
• Nominate your 6 favorite bloggers and pass on the award!

The following blogs I love for a ton of reasons, but the best way to find out way, is to check them out yourself!  You’ll see! (All of the “About Me sections have been linked)

My Perfect Breakdown
          My Kid Doesn’t Poop Rainbows
Mama et Maman
Counting Chickens
AdoptiveBlackMom
          Impossibly Royal

The 3 questions I was asked (2 sets of 3, so really 6!) are:

• If you could do one thing over this week, what would it be?
• Why did you decide to start a blog?
• Who or what inspires your creativity?
• What is the funniest memory you have? If not in all time, something more recent
• What’s your favorite recipe? Don’t be stingy and leave parts out!
• What is something that will always make you smile?

This week, I would redo absolutely nothing.  It’s been a pretty horrible week actually.  The only thing I would do is fast forward it until tomorrow so that my sisters wedding day can be here and we can have a nice time with extended family and celebrate my sister and her new husbands commitment to each other.  And also, I’m officiating so I’m hella excited.  Technically, tomorrow is the last day of the week, so even though it hasn’t happened yet, I would redo that!

I decided to start blogging to chronicle the things that were going on in my life in regards to my wife being pregnant with out twin boys and how I was feeling as the non-belly mama while things were progressing, but really it has turned into a blog about my life.  About the everyday crap that happens. About being a foster mom on the journey to adoption.  About raising 3 kids in apartment in New Rochelle.  About dealing with life as the Universe dishes it out.  I started blogging, mainly, to tell my story, and be able to read back on it later.

If we’re talking about inspiring my creativity in regards to writing, well that’s easy!  The world around me does.  But when we are talking about creativity, like art and music, it also comes from a variety of places, but lots of times, it comes from somewhere really deep.  Somewhere that the old demons lay around an linger in. That’s when I write my best music, my most melodic spoken word, my brightest and most vibrant pieces of art.  Those demons, who try and rear their ugly heads every once in a while, those are the ones that encourage me to remember how far I’ve come and how expressing them through some form of art is so helpful and therapeutic.

I have a crapload of funny memories.  I’m a pretty funny chick, and I can usually make people laugh pretty easily.  But if I had to chose a funny moment (funny now! Ridiculously embarrassing then!) from my own life, it would have to be the time that I was in Sophomore year of high school, in the middle of a very silent class room, during a Regents exam.  The room was seriously silent!  So silent that my teacher dropped a push pin and you ACTUALLY heard it hit the floor.  My stomach wasn’t doing so hot, as it was 9am, and I had had to rush out of the house that morning for fear of being late and not being allowed to take the exam, with one of those travel bowls of cereal and milk.  During the exam, my stomach kept rumbling, and even though I doubt anyone heard it, it was making me absolutely nuts.  I wanted to excuse myself to the bathroom, but you can’t during Regents’.  So I figured, if I lean a little to the left, and then a little to the right I can get “the Spread” (c’mon! y’all know the spread!) and that way, when I did actually fart, it wouldn’t be loud, it would just ease it’s way on out like a little pfffffff.  Well, yeah…that totally didn’t happen!  I sounded like a trucker after 3 bowls of chilli!  It sounded more like Prrrraaappppp! I was mortified, but my classmates thought it was hilarious!  This is one I’ll tell my kids, that I’m sure they will think is just. The. Best!

My favorite recipe is one that has been passed down in my family from who knows how many great grandmother.  I learned from my mom, she learned from her mom, and she learned from her mom.  It’s for making Empanadas.  I don’t know the exact measurements, because I’ve always been told, that love in your food can’t be measured. So excuse the vagueness of this recipe . It has a few steps for prep that need to happen well before you start cooking.  The first is to go to your local grocery store, and check the freezer aisle.  If you have a GOYA section, you will find “Discos”.  You can make these yourself, but it’s much easier to but them.  Next you will have to make Sofrito.  You can buy it too, but believe me, it’s not as good!  And you can use it to cook a lot of your other foods and give everything a nice little boost.   To make Sofrito you will need:

• A green pepper
• a red pepper
• a bushel of cilantro
• a whole garlic (peeled)
• a large Spanish onion

You will cut all of these ingredient up, put them in a blender or a food processor and chop them up, until the consistency is something like a salsa.  You don’t want to liquify it.  It need a little substance.  Once that’s done, you can start making Empanadas.

• Brown 1 pound of ground beef.  Make sure it’s finely chopped. Once cooked, drain it.
• Put the meat back in the pan, and add 1/4 cup of water and one spoon of tomato paste.
• Add a package or two of Sazon and sprinkle some Adobo to taste (I usually salt it a little bit more than it should be, because once you put it in the Disco, it evens out the taste)
• Add 2 heaping regular spoonfuls (like the ones you eat with) of sofrito (this is also to taste…sometimes I find that I need a little more if the garlic isn’t particularity strong enough)
• Let it cook for about 10-15 minutes on medium heat so that it absorbs all of the flavor.
• Once it’s done, set it to the side to cool a bit (about 10-15 minnutes)
• Get a fork!
• Open the pack of Discos.
• Put a few spoonfuls of meat in the middle of the Disco.
• Fold the disco in half, and with the fork, make impressions around the edge to seal the meat inside.
• When you are about half way through the pack of Discos, put oil in a different pan and let it start to heat up.  It needs to be REALLY HOT so that the empanadas don’t stick to the pan.
• Once they are all closed (make sure they are properly sealed!  If the meat is still too hot, it will make the Discos extra doughy and harder to work with, so make sure it has significantly cooled down), you can put them in the hot oil.  They cook pretty quickly (about 3-5 minutes).  You want to watch for nice little bubbles crisping on the surface!  Be careful when you eat them!  They are very very hot!The ground beef can be substituded.  We sometimes use cut up shrimp, shredded chicken (we boil it until cooked all the way and then shred it and cook it following the above instructions), we use guava and cheese (doesn’t need any cookin, just guave paste in the International food aisle and Queso Blanco) and also, pizza sauce, mozzarella, and peperoni!

And finally, something that always makes me smile?!  These guys… The 3 questions for all you lovely folks…

1. If you could have any super power what would it be and why?
2. What is a secret talent that you have?
3. When you grow up, what do you wanna be?

Please don’t delete this note: The design for the STARLIGHT Bloggers Award has been created from Yesterday After is a Copyright image you cannot alter or change it in any way just pass it to others that deserve this award.
Copyright 2015 YesterdayAfter.com – Design by Carolina Russo July 5, 2015

Sun Shower

Have you ever experienced a sun shower in the summer time?  Those are absolutely my favorite!  Despite all of the rain, and all of the foiled plans, and terrible thunder, the sun shines through and brightens your days just a little bit.

The situation with Callie’s aunt has not gotten any better.  In fact, it’s actually gotten worse.  The Dr said, “I thought she had cancer for quite a while, but I see how rapidly it has progressed in the week that she has been here, and it can’t possibly have been long.  A couple of months at the most.  In my 30+ years as a doctor, I have never seen a cancer so fierce and so aggressive.  I could take a biopsy from anywhere on her body and I would find cancer.”  This is a terrible thing to hear.  That sends hope straight out the window bringing on those thunderous dark skies.  She was moved to CCU, put back on a ventilator that jolts her body every time it pumps a breath of air into her.  It’s just gut-wrenching to see.  I keep thinking of hanging out at Thanksgiving and her jumping around on the coffee table singing songs and dancing.  I had never seen her so free and so open in all those years.  And now, she might not even know we are in the room talking and praying for her.  I hold it together for Callie because she is just a mess.  I hold it together for her Aunt Jasmine, who after 35 years, and not a single day apart is not allowed to make any decisions for her life partner.  They aren’t married, they don’t have a domestic partnership, Brit was too sick and sedated to sign her health care proxy.  She keeps mumbling under her breath, “We should have listened to you girls.  We should have gotten married!” and shakes her head, takes a sip of her cold coffee and goes out for her 5th cigarette in 45 minutes.  She’s struggling to keep it together.  It’s a good thing that Brit’s father loves Jasmine and won’t make any decisions without her, because he knows that she knows Brit better than anyone.  But can you imagine, having your “father-in-law” sign the DNR for your “not”wife, and then not being allowed in the CCU room to comfort her in her last hours and holding her hand when they finally take her off of life support because of legal documentation?!  I cannot even begin to process that.  It’s possible that she won’t make it past the weekend.  They gave her “a couple of days at most”, but no one really knows what that means.  So young, just 50 years old.  So unexpected, almost like it was overnight.  We’re all just devastated.  Hopeful, optimistic, but realistic.  We’ve been there every night, slowly, daily, saying good-bye.  Praying for better, but saying you can go if you need to.  It’s hard…

The rain shower?  Amidst all this sadness, my sister gets married on Saturday.  My grandfather who we affectionately call “Welo”, is in town from Puerto Rico for the wedding, and that just makes my heart soar.  He is my absolute favorite.  I spent so much of my childhood enveloped in his arms, while he sang songs to me and rocked me, even at 10 years old.  It’s where I get my eyes.  Where I get my voice.  My sense of humor and my ability to retain the most random information.  I love that man.  Even though my heart is heavy, it is simultaneously aflutter.  He met the boys for the first time and wouldn’t stop playing with them.  He sang songs to them and they looked at him and grabbed gently at his face and laughed and drooled, and it made me weepy because it made me miss my grandmother who passed 20 years ago, who would have LOVED this moment with them.  I excused myself to cry for a moment.  The joy and sadness at that very moment was overwhelming.  But it was beautiful, and in this week of deafening thunder and torrential rainstorms, the sweet respite of my Grandfather Sun Shower was exactly what I needed…

WELO AND TWO SLEEPING BOYS

A Hell of a Weekend

The above title, is an understatement. It has been one of the worst weekends we have had in a long time.  Let’s start with Friday…

Callie gets a phone call.  Her aunt Jasmine’s partner Brittany (they’ve been together for 35+ years, but no one really knows even though it’s INCREDIBLY obvious) is very sick.  And she’s in hospital. For 2 months she hasn’t been able to walk.  She has a very intense and severe phobia of doctors.  She doesn’t go.  Ever! She’s been sleeping on the couch, groaning and crying out in severe pain, not able to move, urinating in a bedpan, until finally Callie’s dad (who has known them since he started dating Callie’s mom and they were only about 11years old) went to their home, carried her like a baby out of the house, crying and screaming in agonizing pain, and took her to the emergency room.  They did tons of scans (a fear of an MRI and claustrophobia made it difficult) and after a night at the hospital, a diagnosis.  Breast cancer, ovarian cancer, Cancer in the lymph nodes.  It’s everywhere.  Completely metastasized.  Stage 4.  Very aggressive.  Not much time.  2 fractured vertebrae, fluid all along the spinal column.  On the pelvis.  It’s bad, friends.  Really bad.  I’m actually sitting in the hospital while I write this because this morning we got a call that, well, maybe she wouldn’t make it past the night.  But the oncologist showed up and gave everyone hope.  Lots of hope.  He’s gonna give her chemo and radiation and fight it as aggressively as the cancer is.  But then her lungs filled with fluid and then collapsed, and now she’s on a ventilator, and we’re all just…just…praying, and hoping, and keeping faith.  It’s all we can do.  And I’m waiting to go in there to sing to her, one of her favorite songs, so she knows I’m there (“My Wish” by Rascal Flatts which she dedicated to all of her nieces and nephews, including me)…and that in these 5 years that Callie and I have broken bread with them every Thanksgiving, I love her.  I’m her niece, and I love her.  And I pray…for her and for all of us because this shit is hard.  

Saturday morning Levi wakes up after a night of coughing with a cough that would make a 3 pack a day smoker cringe.  It was pretty terrible.  He was running a bit of a temperature, so we have him a little tylenol and went about our busy day.  For periods he would go without coughing so we though, “well, maybe he is being a little dramatic like the pediatrician says” (true story!).  But another sleepless night with lots of whining and coughing and we took him to the pediatrician straight away.  Sure enough, our little guy has bronchiolitis.   At least it’s not asthma.  So we have to give him Albuterol treatments with the nebulizer, every 4-6 hours as needed, but the cough has gotten much better.  Much much better! So some good news after bad news.  I will say though, he has not been happy.  At all!  

 My poor buddy!

Then, to add insult to injury, this… 

 Last night, Callie and I were getting busy for a little bit after a 6 week dry spell.  Between being exhausted, sick and teething babies, weekends away and nights on the boat, there just really hasn’t been time (or sex drive).  But last night!!!!???? YASSSS to last night, except after we were done, we were laying in bed laughing, and I felt like, “Holy Shit! That feels like blood!” And wouldn’t you know, I quickly realized that I was laying on a puddle of blood the size of a Frisby. I completely lost it! I run into the bathroom and immediately jump into the bath tub because in the 5ft from our bed to our bathroom, blood had run down my legs leaving droplets all over the floor.  I ran my hands between my legs and literally had collected a pool of blood in the palm of my hand. No words can describe the fear that went through my body.  I was petrified.

“Babeski, I have to go to the hospital right now! Like right now!!!” 

“Calm down love.  Don’t worry! It happened to me and everything is gonna be okay, okay?!”

“I don’t wanna go to the hospital! I don’t want bad news! I don’t want an IV!!!”

“We have to go love, just in case something is wrong.  Just in case, something isn’t wrong. We need to know!”

And so we made our way to the hospital.  I go right in, tell them I’m 9 weeks pregnant, get my bracelet, and wait 15 minutes before we are called in (must be a record!).  They take my vitals (blood pressure was pretty high),  put in the IV, draw blood, and send me right off to ultrasound. I was told to empty my bladder, and take my underwear off and lay on the table.  She was taking a really long time with the transvaginal ultrasound.  I was getting nervous, and she wasn’t saying anything! So I asked her if everything was ok.  She said she couldn’t tell me anything.  I had to wait for the radiologist to look at the images.  I immediately started crying.

“Well, (puts her hand on my knee)ni can tell you this much.  Baby is still there and it has a heartbeat of 171.  Unofficially, it looks ok, but it could change, so wait for radiology.  Are you 9w2d along?!”

(Through tears) “Yes, ma’am…I…I…I…am”

“Ok, sweetie.  Looks ok, ok?”

“Okay”

So I was wheeled back into my ER room, and fell asleep for about an hour and a half (it’s now 2am) and Callie woke me up to let me know rnt at the Dr. was here. Everything was ok! Thankfully! Little Biscuit was ok, and that’s all I needed to hear.  She followed that with Subchorionic hematoma.  So one more thing to add to the list of what could potentially complicate this pregnancy.  High BP, high glucose and now SCH.  Great! 

Ladies and gentleman, not a good weekend, and an even shittier start to the week.  These past 3 days have been tough. Real tough.  But prayers and positive energy are always welcome.  I’ll keep you posted….

(Please excuse the spelling errors)  

Bachelorette Weekend and 9 Weeks

My 2 week hiatus is due mainly to nausea, excessive tiredness, teething babies, and a ridiculously insane weekend for my sisters Bachelorette party. Forgive me…

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Last weekend, my sister Raquel’s “Despedida De Soltera” (translation – Farewell to Being Single) was a Saturday and Sunday away to the East Coast’s budget version of Las Vegas, Atlantic City.  I have to say, I was little nervous about going because 1) we are on a very, very, very tight budget, so gambling and drinks were kind of out of the question for us (especially drinks for me),

NIKKI’S SON MARK AND THE BOYS

2) being away from my 3 kids for a long time (first time the boys stayed away from home, but they were in good hands with Tia Nina [my best friend Nikki, their Godmother] and her Fiancè Titi, who took them on a Toys R Us shopping spree!!!) And 3) A 3-4hr drive with lots of nausea and limited bathroom breaks.  I have to say though, we had a BLAST!!!

We started the trip at a really awesome beach bar called “The Bungalow”.  They had a ton of beds and benches and hammocks all over the place.  The wings and fries we ordered were delicious, the DJ was playing some awesome music, and from what I hear, the drinks were on point!  So on point in fact, that about an hour and a half after being there, we all headed home so that my sister could sober up in order for us to get going for our dinner and clubbing that evening. My mom FORCED her to sleep it off for the next 2 hours, while the rest of us went to the private beach at our hotel.

MOSTLY FAMILY AND A HANDFUL OF MY SISTERS CLOSEST FRIENDS AT “THE BUNGALOW”

TOOK OVER THE SAXOPHONISTS CUBE WITH BACHELORETTE PARTY SHENANIGANS

CRAMMING INTO THE TROPICANA CASINO ELEVATORS AND TAKING OVER THE PLACE!

REALLY?!?

While my sister slept and then showered and got ready (in my moms room), my mom decorated my sisters suite with more phalluses than I care to admit.  I mean, seriously..there were dick’s EVERYWHERE! Straws, plates, candy, cakes, games, decorations, and tons of other crap!  I spent most of those 2 days saying, “You better get that damn dick outta my face!”  We all got dressed and ready for an evening out, all dressed in black (as per my sisters request) and she was looking AMAZING in a skin tight, red mini dress. We met up at my sisters Suite for an hour or so of drinking, games, and lots and lots of pictures.  We toasted her upcoming nuptials, her amazing life so far, and her pretty awesome husband to be.  We LOVE that guy!  Sebastian is gonna be an amazing member of our family, a great father and husband, and knowing that my kids and nieces and nephews get to have such a kind and loving and funny and fun uncle, well, that makes me really happy.  Next week, I’ll write a little more about the both of them, and their incredible relationship, as I’ll be officiating their wedding next Saturday 8/1 (the service turned out pretty amazing, if I do say so myself!).  So yeah, we hung out for an hour, waited for the shuttle to take us back to the AC strip where we went to dinner at a classy burger joint, and then went for a night of dancing at Cuba Libre, a Cuban restaurant turned nightclub after hours.    We partied the night away.  EVERYONE was absolutely and totally wasted.  Good for them!  I would have done the same.  We got back to the hotel around 2:30am and a handful of my cousins and Raquel came back to our suite (which I shared with my sister Nat, my brother Pudge, his boyfriend Seven, my cousin and Callie), and we talked and laughed and ordered Pizza until 4am!  It was awesome to be able to spend time with my siblings and my cousins, like we used to when we were younger, before we all grew up and moved out or away.

The next morning we all met up for the continental breakfast.  I mean, why else do you stay in hotels?!?!  We had a laugh over waffles, and then packed up, checked out, and headed over to the Tropicana casino to use our $20 voucher from $20 shuttle ride of the

YUMMMMMM!!!

night before.  Can you believe that I won over $200 on my $20 voucher!?!?!  Yup!!! I took $200 for the weekend and come home with $220!  Pretty awesome stuff!  So we went to the Fiesta Buffet because the crab leg craving was pretty intense, and after about 4 heaping plates of crab legs, we got in the car at 4pm and made our way home.  A 3 hour drive with 2+ hours of traffic and picking up our kids from 2 different locations (one in the city and another about an hour North) we finally made it home at 10:40pm!  But it was all totally worth it! My sister had the Bachelorette party she always dreamed of, and that’s all that mattered!

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So today makes 9 weeks for me!  These past 9 weeks have NOT been pretty.  I am ashamed to say that I am the epitome of what movies make pregnant woman out to be.  I am irritable, nauseated, cry at the drop of a hat, sluggish, exhausted, unmotivated, and can sleep for hours on end!  I am the type of person who NEVER sleeps.  I can do fairly well all week on 3-4 hours a night.  I think I have napped more in the past 4 weeks than I have in my entire life combined, but you know what!?  Screw it!  I’m pregnant and I’m loving every second of it!

I met with our OB for my first appointment this past Wednesday.  She is the same OB that Callie had and we absolutely adore her.  She’s young and hip and funny, and is a mother herself to a 13 month old, which to me sometimes makes all the difference.  We did all the “first OB appt.” stuff like blood work (about 20 vials of blood to be exact), blood pressure (A little high but that’s been my norm since I was 17 at 134/88), weight (I’m down 15lbs since I weighed myself 3 days before transfer from 244 to 229 [dude, i totally just told you all my weight!]) and ultrasound to make sure that Biscuit is measuring where it should be, which it is, at exactly 8w5d with an EDD of 2/26/15! We have a ton of winter babies!  Callie is 12/26, The Boys are 1/11, Gracie our Kitty is 1/15 and Mary is 1/31!

SO CUTE RIGHT?!?!

So with everything looking good so far with the exception of my BP, she sent my off with a huge orange container to collect my urine for 24 consecutive hours, just to make sure there isn’t any protein in it and be ahead of possible preeclampsia, in case it does happen.  Also, I’ve been taking Metformin for my PCOS and borderline sugar stuff, so she wants me off of it at 10 weeks, and then 2 weeks later when I go in for my Nucal (sheesh it’s going fast!), they can do an early, non-fasting Glucose Test (yup, the delicious juice drink everyone raves about!) to get ahead of gestational diabetes, if that ends up being the case. Let’s hope and pray, that’s not the case.

Aside from that, symptoms have been pretty much the same.  I don’t see any growth although my pants are starting to feel a little more snug, and the food cravings (aside from those crab legs on vacation) have subsided.  The smells though, yeah, that’s still going on…strong!  Still haven’t been able to change a poopie diaper, although I HAVE tried a handful of times, and gag through my rescue calls to Callie, while I hold a flipping baby’s legs up in the air and cover my face with my t-shirt.  Not my finest moments as a mom, that’s for sure.

But alas, things are well.  Everyone is happy, and growing (and teething!), and sitting up, going to art classes, and enjoying summer, and living.  Really really living!

7 Weeks, 6 Months, and Anxiety, But Not Necessarily in That Order

Today, I am 7 week along.  Who would have thought.  I’ve been hesitant to take bump pics because 1) What bump?! 2) I have YET to think of something as fun and creative as the weekly updates I did for Callie and 3) I’ve been overweight my whole life and really, the only thing you are going to see is my muffin top over my jeans!  I know that it won’t be like that through the whole pregnancy, and that I will DEFINITELY think of something to document the changes that my body is going through, but it just seems that right now it’s a little silly to take pictures, but I will, because otherwise in a few months, I’ll be angry with myself that I won’t have anything to use for comparison.  So tonight, I’ll take one, at some point!

Symptom wise, nothing has changed since yesterday, so really nothing to update there.  I will say though, progesterone suppositories suck, in case I didn’t day that yesterday, and if I did, I just want to reiterate.  Along with this pregnancy though, I’ve noticed that my anxiety has kind of been increasing.  I’m not naturally a negative person, at all, and I’m still not, but I find myself worrying about things that I didn’t necessarily worry about during Callie’s pregnancy.  I worry about when we have sex ( I have been BEYOND randy, which is so out of the norm for 1st trimester) and hurting the baby, even though I know that it’s totally ludicrous!  I have noticed though, that I have started ritualizing quite a bit.  This requires a bit of a back story, but I’ll give you the short of it for those of you who don’t know…. A few years ago, I was admitted to a psychiatric hospital, mainly for a pretty serious suicide attempt, but also because of the inability to function do to my pretty sever OCD.  And I don’t mean OCD that people talk about when they are really organized or the type of OCD that people throw around loosely when they describe their inability to see much mess around.  I’m talking about debilitating, I can’t leave my house, clinically diagnosed, exposure therapy OCD.  I spent 2 months inpatient and 2 years outpatient, 8-3 at a DBT program.  My OCD manifested in very “strange” rituals.  It wasn’t just about checking the stove 10 times before leaving, or locking and unlocking and relocking the door for 15 minutes before being able to go, going to the car, it not feeling right and spending another 10-15 minutes doing it again.  It wasn’t about washing the same dish 5 times to make sure it was clean (every single dish in the sink!), all of which I did SOMETIMES and are acutally pretty common in people with “true OCD.  My OCD manifested in constant obsessive thoughts that would snowball, multiples of 4, and tapping.  The tapping was the worst.  Sometimes, things didn’t feel right if I didn’t tap them multiple times.  The worst of the tapping started happening when I couldn’t enter a door without touching the open side top corner before I could walk through.  If I couldn’t reach the top of the door, well, then I just wasn’t going in and had to find an alternate entrance.  This presented a problem sometimes, as at the time, I was working for my ex-wife and the Department of Buildings in NYC had doors about 15 feet high.  It was just terrible, so I would pay other people to do the work for me while I sat outside smoking cigarettes for a few hours.  I would do it at my friend Marco’s house and he would even try and distract me and try and get me not to do it, and it would cause such severe anxiety that my heart would palpitate and within seconds, I was at the door, tapping the corner, and relief would just over me.

There was also the multiples of 4 thing.  If I was walking down the stairs and it wouldn’t end in a multiple of 4, I would have to take a certain amount of steps back in order to make sure that it was a multiple of 4.  This happened with everything I did.  Sometimes I would take the elevator a floor higher than I needed to and walk down.  I would          (un)consciously count my steps to 20, and would take smaller steps or larger steps to make sure that when I got to the door (to touch the corner OBVIOUSLY!) it was a multiple of 4.  My dinner plate could only have 3 things on it, and if it didn’t, I wouldn’t eat until it did.  When I first got to the hospital, the served 3 things on your plate everyday, and my mother, knowing I wouldn’t eat, visited me everyday, and brought me food with 4 things on it.  Never more, never less.  She would even bring me 4 snacks to last me until the next day, or 4 juice boxes, or 4 books, or 4 puzzles, 4 picks for my guitar, or 4 pencils for my crosswords.  It was pretty bad.  The reason I’m saying all of this is that this morning, I noticed that when I put on my deodorant, I had swipe 12 times under each arm.  I tried to swipe one more, and it was like some unknown force was like, “NO WAY LADY! You better NOT!”  When I walked to the kitchen I counted 23 steps, and took one more tiny baby step  (making it 24) in order to cross the threshold and step into the kitchen.  I took a 4 second sip of juice (yes, right out of the container! SUE ME!) and proceeded to do it again.  I noticed it, but not really, if that makes sense.  I knew I was doing it, but I couldn’t stop it.  Then I dug really deep and made a conscious effort to grab my bag, take 14 steps to the door (not sure if that counts because technically there is a number 4 in it ) and walked out.  SItting on the train, to my commute in, I did some mindful breathing and really asked myself what was going on.

The answer?  I think that I feel like this pregnancy is something I can’t control, and rightfully so.  Ok, so we have a heart beat!  GREAT!!!  No really!  It’s amazing!  But so quickly it can go from healthy growing baby with a beating heart, to 12 weeks along, but not really, because there is an 8 week old with no flicker and that is just so scary.  I think that knowing that no matter what I do, it’s really out of my hands is causing some (pretty intense) anxiety.  But I’m working through it, and I recognize it, and I’m aware, and I’m diligently working on it.  I’m even trying to make sure that the amount of paragraphs in this post aren’t a multiple of 4, because I am so inclined to make it so!  But I won’t, because I know, that nothing is going to happen if I DON’T do it.  That was the biggest thing I learned about exposure therapy.  That no matter how many times I walked through the door without tapping the corner, no matter how many times I didn’t do something related to the number 4, NOTHING. BAD. HAPPENED.  At least nothing bad that wasn’t going to happen whether I did those things or not!  So, I’m doing my best to really be cognizant of these actions, and so far, today, has been pretty good.

And A WHOLE 6 MONTHS!!! My baby boys are 6 months old tomorrow.  A half a year!  Where does the time go!?!?!

These guys are just so awesome!

NOAH
My little active baby.  This kid has a set of lungs on him like you would not believe.  He’s gonna be my singer.  He loves to use his voice, especially at around 6:30am, and the best thing?  It’s super deep and raspy.  He’s going to be a crooner, I just know it. He has figured out how to get his legs underneath him and get into a crawling position, but he just can’t figure out the crawling and BOY does he get pissy about it.  He loves to be in his doorway kangaroo bouncer, and he especially loves climbing all over his moms.  He answers back when you tell him, “I don’t think so mister”, and he really enjoys looking at his brother and having conversations with him.  I have yet to catch this on video because every time they see the camera, they look at me and smile, as if I’m not privy to their little intimate moment.  He has learned to flip over while on the changing table (not fun!) and can almost get his toes into his mouth.  He’s eating solid food but is still pretty particular about tastes and consitancy and just started eating puffs and NumNums which he really enjoys.  He’s obsessed with the TV, be it the news, cartoons, or Master Chef, and it’s hard to tear him away.  He actually pushes our hands away while we are feeding him so he can get a better look!  He is crazy about splashing in the water, and he loves his big sister.  They are best buds.  He absolutely HATES being restrained, whether it be the car seat or the highchair.  He’s a real charmer this guys, and has plenty of lady admirers…

LEVI
This guy!  What a ham!  He loves the camera and he loves to laugh.  He can be found smiling and pretty much anyone and anything! He’s my little musician, found most of the time playing the piano ONE HANDED!  Apparently, he thinks he’s a pro.  He still hates tummy time, but will do whatever he can to try and stand up.  He’s gonna skip crawling, I promise you, and go straight to walking. Psssh!  Probably straight to running!  This guys eats like a champ.  If there is something in his reach that he can eat, he’s going for it.  He’s a lot more adventurous with his food than his brother, even loving to eat some Fluke!  He’s more likely to cry, but soothed a lot easier.  He’s the better sleeper of the two and that’s all I’m going to say about that!  He doesn’t like the water much except for bath time, and he is not as aware of things around him.  He loves being cuddled and it seems like he has actually started giving hugs!  He’s a lot more cautious than Noah and takes his time when it comes to figuring things out and exploring.  He laughs at his brother constantly!  He’s the true definition of Mama’s boy, and he loves the kitty.  Like seriously, he’s always spinning his head around looking for her.  He’s a fun kid, and his ginger hair makes me day every day (which by the way is lightening thanks to the sun, and some of his little freckles are coming in!)

I’m not sure what they weight, but I’m almost certain they are well into the 17lb range.  We won’t know until their appointment next week, but I’m sure that they are almost caught up with babies their same age.  I love these darn kids so much, and I can’t wait to celebrate their half birthday tomorrow, out on the boat with Grandma and Pop,  cutting a little cake, and have them have their first real taste of sugar!  I hope I don’t live to regret that!

These two!

Have a great weekend everyone!

It’s Official!

As of 6w4d, we have a heartbeat!!!  Little Biscuit has a heartbeat, people!  I don’t know why I was so concerned about him/her not having one, but I was, and it scared that crap out of me, and I held my breath for the first minute of the ultrasound.  But then we saw it! That wonderful little flicker that lets you know that something in there is moving!  That your baby is alive and well.

BISCUIT’S HEARTBEAT

Some of you may be wondering why this post isn’t protected.  Well, because for the most part, both set of parents know.  Sort of.  We were on Callie’s parents boat Saturday night after watching the fireworks, and Callie had told her mom that I was, potentially, maybe, a little bit pregnant, because she had asked me to help her move a very heavy wooden table.  Cal’s parents weren’t really down with the whole “another baby” thing when we mentioned thinking about having more kids, and soon.  Her reaction, well, it went sort of like this.  “You know it already?!  How can they tell so fast!? Ohhhh, wellllll, ok.  Callie, help me move this table then, so we can set up the boys pack and play so they can get some sleep.”  To say I was a little wounded (and angry) is a bit of an understatement, but that’s all I’m going to say about that, because along with this pregnancy comes all the pregnancy hormones, and let me tell you!  I have never cried so much in my life.  The joke about crying during commercials and whatnot? Not a joke to pregnant women!  In the lease bit!

Symptom wise, the nausea is really kicking my ass.  I sorta knew this would happen, and actually anticipated it, because my body really isn’t used to having all these hormones coursing through it.  With the PCOS, I’m pretty much a textbook case (said by EVERY GYN I’ve ever had),  where my lady hormones are really, really low and my male hormones are really high.  If it’s true what they say, that you carry like your mother, then I’m in for it!  my mother was sick for 6-7 months for each of her pregnancies.  Trust me when I tell you, that I refuse to feel like this for the next 5 months, and I am not to proud to get some meds to calm this nausea.  Yesterday, I threw up my early morning cup of water while brushing my teeth (yup, that totally happened) and then, I tried some crackers and water before I went off to work.  Promptly threw that up in the train station parking lot while getting our of my car, and nearly puked on my suede Clark Desert Treks!  I would have been really upset to have to get rid of my favorite, most expensive shoes!  There is also the excessive tiredness.  When I’m at work all day, it takes everything in me to keep my eyes open.  I pass out on the train ride in, take a short nap during lunch, sometimes I sneak off to the bathroom, go into the huge handicap stall in the back, and catch some zzz’s (about 20 minutes worth) before my alarm (which I tuck into my bra strap so I can feel the buzz) wakes me.  And then I pass out on the train going home for another 35 minutes.  When it’s bed time though, I have the hardest time falling asleep!  So most nights, I lie awake, listening to Callie’s deep breathing, Noah’s dinosaur grunts, and Levi’s feet constantly moving.  I try and count them, like you would sheep, but I end up laughing at the little symphony that the 3 of them are putting on without even knowing it.  And then of course, there are the tears…about everything!   I was putting together the ceremony that I will be officiating (my little sister’s wedding) and I couldn’t get through the first 2 minutes without wiping tears from my eyes.  I have NO IDEA how I’m supposed to pull myself together enough in the next 3 weeks to do this!  I HAVE to keep it together, but I really just don’t know how!  I’ll have to practice and practice and practice, otherwise, I’m pretty much screwed, and no one will understand the words that are coming out of my mouth, let alone be able to stand watching my snot faced, trembling lipped, shaky handed self try and keep my composure.  And that’s just the most recent episode.  So You Think You Can Dance (one of my top 3 all time favorite shows) literally has me a crumpled mess every Monday night.  It’s just terrible!

Aside from that, everything else is going pretty great!  I was getting a bit of an allergic reaction from the progesterone in oil ( in sesame oil) so they had to switch me over to oral and vaginal meds, which kinda suck, but I only have to do it for 2 more weeks, as I’ve graduated the fertility clinic, and have my first OB appointment on the 22nd.  Looking forward to that.  Not looking forward to being weighed, I will admit!  But hey, Big girls deserve babies too, and I’ve always been heavy, and weight isn’t an indication of health, so screw that! Here’s to being a big girl and getting preggers!  And just for information purposes, my last blood work came back with hCG at 22,763, and progesterone at 13.8, a little low, but the baby should be doing it’s own thing soon, so Dr. K wasn’t too concerned.  Friends, so far, so good!

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July 4th weekend was pretty awesome.  We spend the weekend on the boat (has a Queen sized bedroom, and another room with 2 bunks beds, and also a living room couch that turns into a bed.  It’s our summer home away from home!) and everyone was really loving on all of our kids!  It’s nice to have the little boating community that we have.  Callie’s family has been friends with these 3 particular boaters for 30+ years, and it’s nice when all of their kids come home and we get to spend time together.  I love hearing their stories of all of the marina’s that they have spent time in, and the shenanigans that they pulled when they were younger.  it’s nice to see them having kids too, and know that our kids will all grow up together, and share some of the same experiences that Callie did.  I know she loves it too.  We watched the fireworks display as we lay on the bow of the boat.  The boys didn’t even mind (Noah actually slept right through), and Mary got to sit with Pop and look at their favorite fireworks together (the smiley face ones).

HAPPY FOURTH!

The next day, Sunday, Callie’s dad took us our for a swim.  We had a great day, but the boys slept through most of it.  Not even 10 minutes into our boat ride, they were passed out!

THESE TWO!

Mary had a blast “swimming” which actually means tying a rope to her ankle and putting a noodle between her legs while that and her life vest keep her afloat. We also threw a fishing line out and caught a sand shark and a fluke!  Good eatin’!

A good weekend had by all!

MY HAPPY BOYS

Still Here!

Hey y’all!  My bad for disappearing, but I’m still here, and stuff is going on, but we’ve been really busy!  Just wanted to let you know, protected post is up for those interested.  I’ll blog more tomorrow about our second family vacation, but the boys first!  I’ll leave you with this…

MOM’S 50TH BIRTHDAY BAST WHILE AWAY ON VACATION…MY LITTLE SEÑORITOS!

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