A few weeks ago, while Callie and I were vegetating on the couch, binge watching some of the TV shows that have taken over our DVR, we came across a commercial for a new show on CBS called “The Briefcase”. The premise of the show is that a family that is financially in need, is given a briefcase containing $101,000. They are then told that they can keep all of the money, keep some of the money, or give it all away to a family that could use it just as much, if not MORE than they could. What they don’t know is that this other family was ALSO given a briefcase with $101,000, and presented with the same information. Over the next 72 hours, they have to decide what they are going to do with the money.
As the commercial is flashing for this new show, I had to do a double take, because who do I see?! None other that the very person I wrote a whole post about a few weeks ago. My first love. And of course, her love, and her nephews who they took in and have been raising for over 3 years now. I almost lost it! It stirred up a few emotions. Mostly sadness, because I know I wasn’t the best person to her. I know that I hurt her, deeply, and I’ve tried over the past 10 years to reach out, make amends, own up to my infractions, and to no avail. Never a response. Dozens of instant messages, emails, phone calls, and texts have gone unanswered. I figured, after years ( about 5 or so) of not having tried to reach out, I would take the opportunity, and the show as a segue to potentially begin some dialog. So, I Facebook messaged her. Last Thursday. At 10:55am. Probably one of the nicest emails I’ve ever written. I told her how I had seen her in the commercial for the show and that I’m not sure what the outcome is, that they have loving and kind and generous hearts, and that the boys are gorgeous, and that they deserve all the best. I still haven’t heard back from her. And honestly, I don’t think I ever will.
It makes me sad, mainly because I’m pretty sure they are judging me for the person I was 10 years ago, when everything went down and when I was 21 and careless, reckless, selfish, and trying to navigate a world where I was in the midst of my first real heartbreak, living on my own for the first time in my life, in a new city, where I didn’t know anyone. With undiagnosed depression and just breaking out and doing me, paving my own path. The person I am now, compared to who I was 10 years ago, is unrecognizable. If they took a minute to engage, they’d see that. Maybe they think I’m being disingenuous? Maybe they have a hard time forgiving and forgetting, which I TOTALLY get. That concept can be sorta foreign to some people, even more so when someone feels a sense of betrayal and a certain amount of hurt. I get it…intellectually. I’m just not that person. I can let bygones be bygones.
Watching the show last night, I got a little insight into their lives. 5 year struggle with infertility. Not enough money to cover bills. Can only afford an apartment in a not so great section of Boston. Raising two kids that aren’t their own and putting them through private school. If only they knew how similar our lives are. I don’t even WANT to be friends with them. I just wanna know that the hurt that I caused them has subsided, for them to know that what they did to me is something of the past, and that both of us live full and happy and exciting and rewarding lives. I guess this is just one of those situations that I’ll just have to let go of, even though its more about clearing my name than anything else. I don’t need them to validate that I’m a good person, but I do wish they’d give me that or at the very least aknowledge me, even if it IS to tell me to fuck myself. I can take that! The silence though, that’s always tough.
The outcome of the show?! You’ll have to watch, but I will say, it was exactly what I expected from them. Even Callie agreed. And I won’t lie when I say that both Callie and I shed a few tears for them…Congrats L & T on letting your hearts shine through…