I Don’t Want The “D”!!!

It’s true!  I DON’T!  Not now, not ever, but it has been a discussion.

Divorce.

That’s a thing.  Well, let me rephrase that.  It’s not a “thing” in the sense that it’s gonna happen ( I don’t think), but it’s something that in the past year, in all of its craziness and joy and happiness and flow, has been something that has been thrown into our arguments now and again.  About 6 months ago, it became a real discussion, and so, we began to go to couples therapy.

Has it worked? Welllllllllllllllllllll  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯, that’s subjective.  I would say for me it has.  Callie would say, probably not, but I keep going and I keep showing up, and I keep practicing what we are told to do.  Whether or not it’s been reciprocated seems pretty subjective as well.  So, we’re here, another week of arguing and another week of trying to figure out where we go from here.

The thing is, it has nothing to do with love, and I think we both know that.  It has everything to do with communication and listening.  See, most of you know, I did quite a bit of intensive therapy for the better part of 2 years.  I spent 2+ months inpatient, then did 3 weeks in a partial program, then did 90 days in a substance abuse program, and then did 20 months in an outpatient, M-F 8-3pm DBT program, where I really worked on the things that had been plaguing me my whole life and I became very aware and in tune, and was taught and learned how to be an effective communicator and active listener.  Callie struggles like hell a little with the “active” part, and is so quick and chomping at the bit to get her point across that she totally misses what I’m saying, and sooooo, arguments start because I refuse to listen since I wasn’t listened to, and boom!  Disaster, and then divorce comes up.

I get it!  5 kids in about 3 years is no joke!  It’s just been transition into transition into adjustment and then adjusting to THAT adjustment.  These 3 years have been beautiful but also bananas!  So I get it, especially when you have a person like Callie who generally speaking, doesn’t do well with change , who needs a lot of sleep to function (so you can imagine that with 4 under 3 currently, is quite impossible), and who needs things planned out pretty strategically in order to make it all work.  I, on the other hand am pretty much the complete opposite. I LOVE change and embrace it (I move the furniture in the rooms in my home 2-3 x’s a year because I get bored looking at it the same way), I can survive on about 3 hours a sleep a night (so long as I get a day a month to just crash and vegetate!) and spontaneous plans always seem to be the best to me.

I’ll be honest though.  This is sort of the abridged version of what has been going on in our relationship the better part of the past year.  There’s the hoarding issue for me and the cleaning issue for her.  There’s the “you don’t help enough” issue for me, and the “you want to do too much” issue for her.  There’s the “can we go out and stop being antisocial because I need people in my life?” issue, and the “don’t we have enough people to entertain today?” issue for her.  I mean, it’s lots of stuff, and it seems to not be getting sorted out quickly enough, which could potentially cause more damage since we both seem to just want this sorted out but can’t seem to figure out how to get there!

We are creeping up on 7 years together in 2 weeks, and I’m wondering if that “Seven year” nonsense could potentially be a real thing.  With some of our close friends divorcing after 7 years together, we wonder if that’s where our lives our heading. Can we just not agree on anything?  Can we just continue to not be intimate after months! Is it really all about winning and losing, or who is right and who is wrong?  When will all of this anger, resentment, anxiety, and helplessness subside?

As much as I love my wife is the same amount as I have been struggling, particularly these past 3 months, to stay.  To try and understand some of her needs that just seem really crazy and illogical to me.  I’m trying!  I’m really trying, because I love my kids, and I love this family, and I love the time that we share together, and I fucking love my wife, but admittedly, I don’t love to feel ignored, or to be treated like I don’t count, or to be so angry and sad all the time.  We have amazing, beautiful moments nearly every day, but the arguments are so ferocious and so angry and so loaded with venom that it’s difficult to see past it sometimes.

I’ll keep trying and I’ll keep fighting because I don’t want to be away from my family or my wife, but for my own sanity, I don’t know how much longer I can take the arguing and the need for her to be right all the time. It’s really hard, friends.  Really fucking hard. Hopefully, this is fleeting.  Hopefully, this is just a “thing” kind of like conversations about separation and divorce are at the moment.  Hopefully, we can muster up the courage to just say “Yes dear” for a little bit for the sake of peace and sorting things out.  Who knows how this will all work out!  Worst case scenario, we have a mother/daughter set up in the house, and the basement is currently rented.  It could suddenly be unrented with 60 days notice according to their lease.  Hopefully, THAT won’t also become a thing.

With anniversary looming, and seven years on the line, I’m committed to trying my best to make US our best and have THE BEST life possible…especially because our kids are so damn awesome and I’d hate to fuck them up with a possible divorce.  That would be the worst thing I could have imagine for not only my life but their also.  And I wanted to say in advance, thanks for reading this and letting me vent because I have 2 people that I have been able to talk to this about for the sake of not getting too many opinions and not talking to our friends who are invested in our lives and marriage the way we are in theirs.  One is my bestie blogger friend, and the other is my mother, both who understand how difficult this is, but also encourage me to both follow my heart but also to keep fighting.  My heart and the fight are one in the same. So, I’ll lace up these boots, fill my Camelbak (With Chardonnay!), and get to trekking on this journey of recovering what we lost somewhere between bliss and 5 kids.


To lighten up this post a little….TADA! The kids!

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1ST DAY OF 4TH GRADE! WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN!?!?

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SUNLIT BOY

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“MAMA! MAS JUGOOOO!!!!!”

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ALWAYS EATING!

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“LOOK MAMA! YOUR CRYSTAL MADE RAINBOWS IN MY EYE!”

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MY FAVORITE PUPPY

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NOT TO BE OUTDONE BY MY FAVORITE KITTY!

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PAPO IN MY FAVORITE PJ’S BECAUSE THEY ACCENTUATE THAT DELISIOUS BELLY!

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CAREER DAY AT DAYCARE

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MAMAS BOYS

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Noah

jerseyMy little Noah.  These past 2 months have been really rough for my little guy.  There has been a lot of adjusting and acclimating to new environments and lots and lots of sickness.  In the past 4 months he has had 3 ear infections, but the last 2 (in the past month) have both been horrible double ear infections, that have my baby tossing and turning and whining all night.  We were feeling like it had started to affect his hearing, and in turn his speech and that he probably isn’t as verbal as Levi is because of it.  Well, he had to prove us wrong, because last week, the kid’s language EXPLODED and suddenly he went from a very raspy grunt to saying Mama, ma (for whatever reason this is how he calls Callie), cat, gato, Nene (his nickname), Nah-no (Macho, levi’s nickname) Moh (more), ah-ma (grandma), Ya-ya (Mary’s real name), uh-oh, wa-wa (Agua). 11 words y’all!!!  11 whole words in one week!  The same week that he had this awful, 103.7 fever inducing ear infection.  SO wild!  But we are so so proud! In fact, this morning, my parents came over to pick up Levi since he was diagnosed with RSV/Bronchiolitis and needs nebulizer treatments that his daycare won’t/can’t administer, and Noah spoke his first full sentence, while screaming and crying at the top of his lungs and pointing at my parents car, “Nene bah-bye a Nah-no! Nene bah-bye a Nah-no!” Nene goes bye bye with Macho…damn near broke my heart!

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MY SICKY BABY

Because of the total number of ear infections he has had in such a short period of time (6 in 6 months, 4 in 3 months, and 2 in one month) and the increasing frequency, we though, “It may be time to speak to a specialist,” so our pediatrician recommended a really great Pediatric ENT around our area.  We have yet to make an appointment, but I think it’s really just because I’m afraid that my tiny baby is gonna need tubes in his ears.  Despite all the amazing things and all the success that I hear about, it still scares me to know that my baby is gonna be put under and that he’s going to be in pain, and I hate it! I worry about an allergy to anesthesia, about how scared he will be, about not being able to hold his hand through it, and that maybe, after all that drama, they just won’t work. We’ll see how it will all play out.  We also hear that they outgrow it around 2ish, but do I really wanna sit and watch my little guy in pain for another 8-10 months?! NOPE!  So we’re exploring this tube thing, doing our research, and hoping that for now, this is the end of the ear infections.

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103.7 FEVER BUT STILL ADORABLE!

Noah’s gross motor skills are developing so well, and his fine motor skills seemed pretty advance for a kid his age.  He can make his stacking boxes in to a small tower and then of course knock them down.  He can throw and even kick a ball!  You have no idea how excited I am to have babies that actually GET soccer!  Like, get excited when they make a goal, and will run away with the ball when I chase them.  He’s also gotten pretty good at feeding himself with a fork, not so much a spoon yet (which I wish he would hurry up and learn, because he LOVES soup and it takes forever to feed him since he’s that kid that won’t eat until he swallows what’s in his mouth after chewing for a whole minute!!).  He points and says, “Ah Nene” (para Nene/for Nene) when he wants something.  He also ROCKS at using a shape sorter.  He’s an awesome climber that is already giving Mama heart attacks, but mostly, above all, he is our sweet affectionate boy, who kisses you when you fake cry, loves to hold hands and hug his brothers, and sister and will almost always share his food with you.  Except for string cheese.  This boy LOVES his string cheese!

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BLUEBERRY PANCAKES ANYONE!

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EASTER FANCY!

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OH SNAPCHAT FILTERS! YOU CRACK ME UP!

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ALL READY FOR SCHOOL

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BREAKFAST ON OUR FIRST FAMILY WEEKEND GETAWAY

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FRESH HAIRCUT FOR PICTURE DAY

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HAHAHA! MY SON IS GONNA BE HELLA HANDSOME WHEN HE GROWS UP!

23 Weeks!

23 Weeks!  It’s been a pretty awesome few weeks.  This pregnancy has really been good to me and I am really enjoying it.

How I’m Feeling this Week: This week has been pretty great.  I had a lot of stuff going on and finding out the babies gender last Friday was a lot more exciting than I thought it would be.  Now I feel more connected to Biscuit, trying out names and seeing how we feel about them.  Still feel excited about having seen Biscuit on the scan (the sonographer was horrible but at least we gout one decent [???] picture). And the profile looks similar to Levi!

BISCUIT AT 22W1D

BISCUIT AT 22W1D

How Big is Biscuit: Biscuit is about the size of a Spaghetti Squash!  Those things are pretty huge, but the way this baby feels, and all the movement, I really swear it’s bigger then that!  Also, the size of a football, which is great because, well, football season!  LET’s GO GIANTS!

Baby Bump News?:  The bump is huge, my friends! I have to say, I have never, in my life, have felt as sexy as I have being pregnant.  Which is weird, because I thought it would be the complete opposite.  I think it might be how much Callie touches me, or the attention I have been getting because you know, maternity has brought out the femme in me, which i didn’t expect.  We have loads of movement, enough that when Callie and I lay in bed, she has actually felt the kicking.  It’s so awesome to be on the other end now and see how excited she gets, because I remember that, so vividly.  Also, hiccups!  Lots of Biscuit hiccups!

23 WEEKS AND REALLY REALLY SHOWING

23 WEEKS AND REALLY REALLY SHOWING

Sleep:  I’ve been a little more uncomfortable when it comes to sleep.  It takes me a little longer than usual to go to sleep (I’m one of those people that knocks out the second my head hits the pillow!), but once I do, I’m out for the count!

Food Loves/Hates:  Peanut butter and Jelly sandwiches! So damn delicious!  But that’s about the only thing I’ve been eating because nothing is really appealing lately.  Nothing has been like, “oh yes!  I HAVE to eat that!”  Everything has just been, well, blah.

Symptoms:  I have been getting lots of numbness in my right leg.  I will be walking or sitting and suddenly, the right side of my thigh, from the butt to the knee will go completely numb.  Still waiting for my doctor to email me back, so we’ll see, but every woman who has ever been pregnant that I have spoken to seems to think it’s my sciatic nerve.  Makes sense, except the only symptom is numbness and no real pain (not that I’m complaining!).

Next Scan:  We have an appt on 11/19 for another glucose tolerance test and BP check.  Lat appointment my BP was down from 142/91 to 134/80, so I’m really happy about that.  I have been doing my best to try and watch what I’m eating, eliminating salt from my diet, and drinking loads and loads of water.  The doctor and the perinatologist seemed pretty please, and that paired with a great result on my glucose test made ME happy!  Next scan is 12/4 just to measure baby but another peek at Biscuit will be great!  MIght actually splurge and spend the $150 to go to one of those 4D places in 2 weeks.

Sex:  If we are talking about the babies gender, well, we definitely know now, and we’ll be sharing once we tell our friends and families this weekend.  But if we’re talking about actual, mind blowing, earth shattering, boundary pushing, physical sex, yeah, we’re having that.  A lot.  Every night all this past week.  Some switch inside me just went off, and I can’t get enough of it.  Callie has been more than accommodating.  Switching “roles’ and everything…it’s been fun and interesting, to say the least.

Overall Feelings:  This experience so far has been better than I ever imagined it could have been.  I’m really, really enjoying this journey.

Something I Didn’t Expect:  Seriously, all joking aside, I didn’t expect to feel so sexy and free.  I thought pregnancy would restrict me, make me feel gross or unattractive, but it has done the complete opposite.  I has really been a positive experience for me, and I hope that it continues to be that way until the end.


LIFE THIS PAST WEEK AND A HALF

SO we bought a minivan, and moved up to being real soccer moms.  Mary LOVES the new car, and has not stopped talking about all the features.  It’s got automatic doors and trunk, leather interior, lots of space, 2 TV’s, middle section of chairs swivel and face the back and you can place a table in the middle where they can play games when we road trip, navigation, rear camera, and an awesome center console with loads of compartments for all kinds of crap.  It’s a road-tripping family’s dream!  Callie never thought she would like a minivan, but she loves it!  She loves it so much she should marry it!  New Car

THE BOYS ENJOYED DRIVING THE CAR AT THE DEALERSHIP

THE BOYS ENJOYED DRIVING THE CAR AT THE DEALERSHIP

levicarWe also went to my nephews 3rd birthday party last weekend, and the kids got to show off how freaking adorable they look in their costumes!

WE'RE OFF TO SEE THE WIZARD!

WE’RE OFF TO SEE THE WIZARD!

Sunday we spent the day at the NY Hall Of Science Museum before heading home and watching our beloved Giant’s spank those cowboys!  I knew they would have loads of cool stuff for Mary and my niece to enjoy, but I didn’t expect them to have nursery/toddler area where little babies could explore science too. Noah, Levi, and my little niece Jezenia, really enjoyed playing with scarves, climbing in the foam mats, and playing the drums.  They LOVED those drums!

MY MUSICAL BABIES

MY MUSICAL BABIES

MY MUSICAL BABIES

MY MUSICAL BABIES

It’s been a couple of really great days!

9 Months Old!

So Noah and Levi turned 9 months last Sunday, and boy are those kids something else!  They really are coming into their personalities and becoming their own little people.  Sometimes it’s hysterical to watch, and other times, I am kind of in fear of what the future holds!  The boys are smart, loving, cuddly, and most of all, mama’s boys!

NOAH

MY LITTLE HALLOWEEN PUMPKIN

MY LITTLE HALLOWEEN PUMPKIN

PERFECTING THE WAVE

PERFECTING THE WAVE

There are so many things that I can say about Noah, but nothing would suffice to capture how LARGE his personality is.  He is totally going to be my little linebacker.  There is nothing he loves more that crawling all over his brother and tackling him to the ground.  We practice with a little sensory football that we bought at a tag sale, and he loves when I throw it and he gets to “catch” it, and then “throws” (hands) it back to me, and gets so excited when I yell, ” MUY BIEN NENE!!!!”

He is also perfecting how to wave, and can be seen waving to pretty much anyone, except my father and Callie’s father.  I don’t have any idea why he won’t wave to them.  The best is when I get home from work, and I walk in to them eating dinner in their high chairs and Noah’s face lights up and he waves to me!  It’s totally the awesomest!

He is more and more mobile every day and has been figuring out how to use all of the furniture to get him where he needs to go.  He crawls at the speed of light, and has started to use my fishing bucket as his main means of “transportation”.  He’s strong and stubborn.  If you tell him “no” or say “uh uh!”, he will promptly throw whatever is in his hands, or toss his body backwards and cry his fake cry (you now the one!) until he is finally over it, and will go back to doing something he probably shouldn’t be doing.  He is experimenting with different sounds, but still has no words and sounds like a baby zombie (as you’ll hear in the video below). This kid. I love him to pieces.

LEVI

MY BRIGHT LITTLE JACK-O-LANTERN

MY BRIGHT LITTLE JACK-O-LANTERN

THIS LITTLE GQ BABY

THIS LITTLE GQ BABY

Levi is my sensitive little soul.  If you want to cuddle and squish all day?  He’s your guy!  He loves to pull his brothers hair (especially after getting crawled on) but then will rub his brothers head while Noah plays with toys.  He is still our pacifier baby, and I don’t see that changing any time soon.  Levi LOVES music and can be found “singing”, off key (mostly) and mouthing the words and trying to make the sounds.  Itsy Bitsy Spider is hands-down, the GREATEST song in the world to him. He is quite the mimicking baby at 9 months old.

He is very verbal.  He tries to say “leche” but it sounds more like, “nene” which is what we call his brother, but it’s fair to say that “leche” is his first word, which doesn’t surprise me because this kid can EAT! Basically, don’t go anywhere near him if you have food in our hands and you don’t intend to share!  I don’t think he ever gets full,  and still no teeth in sight either! I have no idea how he gums all his food to death!

He finally started crawling about 2-3 weeks ago, but we were a little worried because it was always with one side of his body only, dragging his little belly across the floor and one leg behind him, but in the past week he has learned to move both legs (kinda, sorta, occasionally) and has started darting across the apartment.  He is learning to stand himself up on lots of the furniture, toys, and in his crib, but he still hasn’t learned how to get down, so he’ll stand there and cry until someone comes over and helps him down.  He is truly scared, almost petrified to fall.  My little cautious baby.   Still very observant and still has a lot of trepidation about movement and trusting his body.  He’ll learn, just at his own pace.

Noah and Levi have really started to form a special bond and have started to look for each other.  Lots of times the can be found sharing some morsel of food that one of them found, swapping sippy cups, or holding hands in their high chairs.  They have started to communicate more (whatever that means) and have been found having conversations using grunting noises with each other when they should be going down for the night.  And weekend mornings I find their room a mess, after they tag team and throw all of the stuffed animals off of the dresser that separates their cribs, and then LAUGHING about it!

HAPPY SATURDAY!

HAPPY SATURDAY! (note the mess on the floor!)

These two have really become 2 peas in a pod and look for each other when the other one isn’t in the room.  They use those grunts like echolocation! I kid you not!  But watching them grow has been pretty awesome.  These little 9 month old guys have stolen my heart!

Turtles grilled cheese my kids

19 Week

19 weeks!  It’s just crazy!  Time has gone way to quickly!

How I’m Feeling this Week: It’s been a tough week for me, relationship wise.  Callie and I had a tough go this week, mainly based around finances (her being offered a job making REALLY good money and deciding against it, although I completely understand why, but doesn’t mean I’m happy about her decision! No matter what I support her and we’ll figure it out).  In regards to pregnancy though, it’s been pretty great!

How Big is Biscuit: Biscuit is the size of a MANGO!  Yummmm!  I remember my first month of pregnancy and all I wanted was to eat mangoes all day and night, and now our baby is the size of one, and growing rapidly from here, which is what i understand.  Something about a growth spurt these next 2-3 weeks.  Also, for you like minded folks who find these fruit comparisons have too many variables, Biscuit is the size of a softball.  Imagine?! 

Baby Bump News?:  I’ve noticed that I am definitely looking more pregnant and all of my button down shirts have started to to struggle with the buttons a bit.  Otherwise, this baby is growing. Also, MOVEMENT!!!!  I wasn’t convinced at first, but now i KNOW this baby is moving around.  I’m still not used to feeling it, so most of the time it totally catches me off guard.  Callie can’t wait to be able to feel it, and I remember being in her shoes not even a year ago.  It’ super exciting to actually start feeling what pregnancy feels like.

GROWING BELLY!

GROWING BELLY!

Sleep:  No issues with sleep at all…yet…not even having to pee in the middle of the night!

Food Loves/Hates:  Cheese sandwiches!!!  YUMMY!  And still don’t really want salad…it’s weird because I LOVE salad!

Symptoms:  Nothing at all actually…not even a headache in the past week.  Actually, I take that back.  I think I may be experiencing some slight round ligament pain.  I think that’s happening…

Next Scan:  My next appointment is scheduled for October 8th, for the anatomy scan.  Still can’t decide if we want to find out, but I’m leaning more towards yes…kinda…maybe…

Sex:  Because of the crappy week Callie and I had, we barely cuddled so it’s fair to say sex was non-existent this week.  Also baby sex/gender area, still no idea, but I’m dead set that it’s a girl  Haven’t even looked at any boys names at all…

Overall Feelings:  I’m excited about actually looking pregnant, so that’s making me feel really happy.  Also, being almost half way, and also a few weeks away from viability makes everyone feel awesome, or is that just me?!

Something I Didn’t Expect:  I wasn’t expecting what it feels like to have a baby moving around inside of me.  I always thought it would be just, I dunno, very exact and obvious, but it wasn’t.  It’s weird, but also really comforting.  I’ve been using the doppler less, because with all the blood pressure stuff I was freaking out thinking that this baby was not ok, but with the movement, I didn’t expect to suddenly just feel relief.  I don’t have that overwhelming feeling that things are gonna get all screwed up and something terrible is gonna happen.  I didn’t expect that almost half way through, I would be embracing this pregnancy and really starting to live it.

And as usual, no post would be complete without these guys!playing Turtlesfacetime raincoat1 raincoat2

8 Months Old and 16 Weeks

Good GOD, the boys are 8 months old!  How awesome is that?!  Things are a-changing around our house, and some space has to be made in order to accommodate 2 growing (and now two mobile!) boys.  Both boys are really doing awesome and meeting milestones left and right!  It’s so exciting and awesome to watch them grow.  I just wish I had more time with them during the week, but that just makes the time that I DO have with them so much more special and cherished.  They are both understanding English and Spanish, and we can tell because when I say “leche” they both start opening and closing their hands rapidly which is the sign for milk.  They constantly look for each other when the other isn’t around, and they give each other food from their trays when the other starts grunting.  It is ridiculously cute and melts my heart every time!  GUYS, I just can’t sometimes!musicians hat BWW bathtimeLEVI
My little Casanova!  This kid can get women to flock to him like there is no tomorrow!  He is gentle and caring ( you can tell already!) when he rubs your face and looks deep into your eyes with his blue ones, and just smiles at you while he does it.  He can be caught several time a day, just patting his brother on the head, almost like giving him an, “I love you bro!”  He likes to sit most of the time, but about a week ago figured out how to army crawl.  He has been navigating his way around our living room and kicks his legs in excitement whenever he reaches his goal.  He laughs at just about anything, especially when Mamà pretends to be shocked, and eats like a champ!  He is still very cautious and very aware of his surroundings.  He is hesitant to stand but loves moving around the house in his walker.  He maneuvers it like he has been using it for weeks, but just started in it about 3 days ago.  He can even back up and around corners with ease.  He loves music and singing songs, and is starting to be able to do the gestures to a Spanish song I sing to them about birds in the sky (flapping arms), fish in the sea (putting their hands together and swishing) and horses in the forest (holding reigns and bouncing).  He loves playing by himself, and can keep himself entertained for long stretches of time. Something tells me his is going to be our laid back, practical joker, musician .  I look forward to seeing if that’s true.musician2 levipaintNOAH
My little daredevil!  This kid is gonna give us a run for our money when he actually starts walking, which I don’t think is far off, considering that this week, he has let go of his standing toys a handful of times and stood unassisted for a few seconds, before becoming distracted and wanting to move, realizing that he can’t and sitting quickly on the ground.  We’ve had to lower his crib and move all breakable things out of the way.  This kid crawls, and FAST!  Like, turn around for one second and he is down the hallway, fast!  He has no sense of danger and tests his bodies limits constantly.  We may have to get him some soft climbers because he is constantly on the move and climbing over everything, especially his brother!  He doesn’t do well with new food textures and it takes him a little time to acclimate to new tastes, but he is really good at picking up loads of cheerios and puffs and shoveling them into his mouth.  He doesn’t really babble and is a lot more quiet than his brother, but when this kid smiles, oh those dimples!!  He loves reading and books (especially eating them!) and is our champion sleeper (we’ll leave it at that!).  He’s an easy baby who loves adventure.  He’s gonna be our athletic, kindhearted, gentle book-worm!  It’s gonna be so awesome! musician1 noahpaint


16 WEEKS

How I’m Feeling this Week: I’m actually feeling pretty great this week.  I have loads of energy back, I’ve really been spending a lot of time with Callie now that school is back in session and all children are in bed by 7:30, and I have my first hike of the season planned with my best friend Marco.  That first trimester was NO JOKE, but this 2nd one is pretty great so far.

How Big is Biscuit: About the size of an avocado!  I just had one with dinner last night, and almost brought one for lunch today.  That’s kind of big!  Also, for people like me who find that those kind of things fluctuate in size, that’s about the size of a Campbell’s Chicken Soup can.  That’s nuts!  Also, this little person is finally able to hear Mamà, so I’ll be singing and talking to this baby much, much more now!  That makes me really happy!

Baby Bump News?:  Well, I DEFINITELY don’t fit any of my regular pants anymore, so today, for the first time, I am wearing maternity jeans.  Not my style at all, but I am coming to terms and really surrendering to the fact that maternity clothes for gender non-conforming individuals is going to be difficult, so I was handed down some stuff that isn’t SO terrible.  So, today, I actually FEEL pregnant.  Some co-workers have mentioned that I’m glowing (I don’t see it!) and that I am definitely starting to show.  That’s pretty exciting!

Sleep:  I’ve still been having pretty weird dreams, but they aren’t every night anymore.  I think I have definitely been sleeping more soundly, mainly because of not having to get up to pee in the middle of the night.  But I will say, when I sleep on my stomach, it feels like I am laying on top of the remote control.  It’s really strange to realize that it’s NOT the remote control, and totally, Little Biscuit.

Food Loves/Hates:  Still don’t want anything to do with salad, but corn beef hash over white rice?!?!  AMAZING!  I’ve had it twice in 7 days!

Symptoms:  A serious case of bad gas again, but otherwise, more energy is definitely a plus.  Also, I haven’t really been hungry much.  I know that’ll change in the next couple of days with a growth spurt on the horizon.  Something about double in weight and size in the next 2 weeks or so!

Next Scan:  My next scan is scheduled for October 8th, for the anatomy scan.  I really want to keep the gender a surprise but everyone’s been hounding me and calling me selfish for not wanting to find out.  So I’m sitting on the fence.  Mainly because I am totally convinced that Biscuit is a girl, and I want to know if my “intuition” is right!  I also have an appointment on September 24th (possible ultrasound) to check my blood pressure and to do a non-fasting glucose test to see where my sugar is since it’s been pretty borderline for the past 2 years or so.

Sex:  It’s up and down the past 2 weeks, but also, doing respite care for a 7 year old girl for a week who’s sleep patterns we don’t k now, is tough.  Mary sleeps like a rock…this kid, not so much!

Overall Feelings:  Hella excited to be able to go hiking on Sunday (and football obviously!), since my pregnant body is finally catching up to my barely pregnant brain and is FINALLY allowing me to do the things that I THINK I can do, but my body and exhaustion wouldn’t allow.  Also, feeling like, this baby is getting more and more real as my body starts changing.

Something I Didn’t Expect:  For real, for REAL, I didn’t expect maternity pants to be so damn comfortable!!! I might live in these for the next few months, and maybe even more than that!  I really wish they were more my style, but this will have to do in the meantime, and the comfortably factor counts for way more points then style factor, that’s for sure!  I also didn’t expect that these subtle changes in my body would warrant me wanting it to change faster and be MORE pregnant, but all in due time, I suppose.

Friends, this pregnancy so far, has been pretty awesome! And don’t laugh, but my first official internet “bathroom break bumpie”…

16 WEEKS AND COUNTING

16 WEEKS AND COUNTING

Blessed…

THOSE FACES!

THOSE FACES!

Two Sunday’s ago, Noah and Levi were baptized at our church.  I haven’t had much time to write about it, mainly because I was hoping to get my iMac into the Apple store for a repair (it hasn’t worked since the end of March, and I just haven’t had the opportunity to take it in for service) in order upload the 1500+ pictures that are currently stored on my SD card in my Nikon.  I have some really great pictures I wanted to add, but alas, I’ll just have to post the ones that people sent me, and that Callie and had the opportunity to take on our phones.

So back to the baptism.  I have to say (and so did everyone that attended), it was a beautiful service.  Our pastor had come over a few days before to go over the service with us.  From beginning to end, it focused on our little family.  It incorporated some our favorite hymns.  The readings (they escape me now) had to do with brother/sisterhood and loving one another.  One song that we sung that was performed by our choir at a music festival on the day the boys were born.  I had a solo to perform at the festival, and ended up having to cancel because I was in the hospital, and they sang it in it’s place.  Talk about full circle! It was just beautiful.  During the children’s portion of the service, our pastor explained to the kids what a baptism really is.  How it’s an outward expression of our love for God and an embrace from the congregation to love those children in God’s way.  And embrace us they did.  It was so touching to see so many people love on our our boys, our family, our friends.

LOVING THE STAINED GLASS

LOVING THE STAINED GLASS

For the actual baptism, the whole congregation moved to the back of the church where the baptismal font is.  It is stationed right in front of the huge stained glass windows depicting Jesus’ own baptism performed by John.  Also, a huge (floor to ceiling) pride flag hung in the background.  The sun was shining in, and there were rainbows everywhere.  The whole congregation and our family and friends stood around the font, as Noah and Levi, being held by their godparents, cooed and laughed and blew raspberries. Our pastor read some affirmations and the godparents, Callie and myself responded, and then she asked questions of the church and they responded as well.  Something along the lines of, raising them in faith, denouncing evil  and oppression both in our personal lives and in the church, about teaching and guiding them, and a promise to serve or community through God’s love.  We were totally with that, so every one said “I do” and “I will”.  The church reaffirmed the same.  Then she took the boys one at time, first Levi and then Noah, prayed over them, blessed them with Holy Water, making the sign of the cross on their tiny, curious (and not crying!) heads, and asked us (the 4 godparents and the parents and their big sister Mary of course) to put our hands on them as we all prayed for them.  I have to admit, I got a little misty eyed when people in our congregation closed their eyes, and with their whole hearts prayed for our boys.  Pastor K grabbed both the boys, walked around with them and showed them off the the throngs of people who were so impressed with how well behaved they were.

BLESSING LITTLE LEVI

BLESSING LITTLE LEVI

LEVI'S GOD PARENTS NINA (CALLIE'S BEST FRIEND JENNY) AND PADRINO (UNCLE MARCO)

LEVI’S GOD PARENTS NINA (CALLIE’S BEST FRIEND JENNY) AND PADRINO (UNCLE MARCO)

NOAH'S GODPARENTS, TIA NINA (MY BEST FRIEND NIKKI) AND HIS PADRINO (UNCLE JAY - CALLIE'S BROTHER)

NOAH’S GODPARENTS, TIA NINA (MY BEST FRIEND NIKKI) AND HIS PADRINO (UNCLE JAY – CALLIE’S BROTHER)

PRAYING FOR THE BOYS

PRAYING FOR THE BOYS

After service, Callie and I had set up a really great BBQ for everyone, and we spent the day passing babies around, eating cake and hot dogs and hamburgers, and enjoying the beautiful 80+ degree weather.  It was a great day had by all.  We played some games, talked a little more about our super inclusive church (we have a couple of new members actually), and just enjoyed time with the people we love the most. All in all, it was just a great day, with great people, celebrating our cute little guys…

Also, Mary wants to get baptized when she’s adopted.  That’ll probably be one of the first things she’ll want to do after we change her last name.  She’s all about that too….

Throwback Thursday

The Day I Lost My Mind and Jumped Out of A Plane:

land

It was the day before my 29th birthday.  I convinced myself (and somehow Marco, my sister Raquel, and her friend) to go skydiving.  We drove about an hour and 20 minutes from my house, filled out all of the required paperwork and basically signed our lives away.  We weren’t aware before hand that just a few days before, someone had fallen to their death at this same place.  Something about the trained professional jumping tandem with someone having a stroke or heart attack or something like that, mid jump.  It was VERY reassuring to read on our drive to the small airport.

ALL GEARED UP!

ALL GEARED UP!

The nerves were out of control.  We were told to walk around to the other side of the building, where according to our weight, we would be matched up with someone, and fit for our harnesses.  At that point in time I was 230lbs, and the weight limit was 225.  They said it was no problem, and that I was gonna go with some guy who was super skinny.  In walks this 6+ft tall, lanky man, and I’m thinking, “Oh great! This poor guy won’t be able to do shit while all baby beluga sized me, is hanging from his shoulders!”   He was actually really awesome and made me feel super safe by checking my harness constantly once I had it on.  Marco and Raquel get fitted, and they talked us through what was going to happen once we were connected to the instructor and on the plane.  Turns out, I was going first, since it was my birthday, and I was absolutely petrified.

OH MARCO!

OH MARCO!

ON THE TARMAC

ON THE TARMAC

We get out on the tarmac where our little 12 man Cessna is waiting for us.  The engines are getting fired up and my heart is racing in time and cadence with the whirling propeller.  I know I am about to do the craziest thing I have ever done.  I put my thumbs into my harness up by the shoulders, give my best “scared” face to Marco, and watch as everyone boards the plane from back to front. I’m the second to last one into the plane.  My instructor sits behind me as we straddle a small bench.  I lean back, he clips me in to his harness, and he checks again.  I get handed goggles, put them on, and watch as the jumper before me (my camera guy) closes the hatch.  The plane picks up speed, and before you know it, we are at close to 12,500 feet of elevation.  My instructor taps my shoulder and screams into my ear, “OK Sam!  You ready for this!?!?!”

MY BEST SCARED FACE

MY BEST SCARED FACE

Uh, no Mr., I am not, but I will do my best not to streak the sky gold on my way down.  I swallow my fear, put on my bravest face, and do a squatted shimmy as we make our way to the front of the plane.  I am shaking!  I’m sweating my ass off, and once the hatch is opened, the force of the wind coming into the plane takes my breath away.  I am standing on the edge and there is not way to back out now.  I was on the precipice of a new day, and a new future.  I was looking out at the world.  I was ready to jump, to take a leap of faith and hope for the best.  Callie and I were almost 3 years into our relationship, talking about marriage and children, and I wasn’t sure what I really wanted.  I was scared, and nervous about what the world really held for me.  But that day, my 29th birthday, I prayed to the Universe, that as soon as my feet touched the ground (safely), that I would know what the next steps in my life would be.  That I would know, somehow, what happens next.

With two feet at the hatch entrance, high above the beautiful world, toes curled over the edge, I was given a countdown…1, rock forward and back…2, rock forward and back…and before I could even hear 3, out I went.  What I felt at that very moment is something that I still have a very difficult time putting words to.  It was life altering, to say the least.  That saying, that before you die (even though I didn’t, I could have!) your whole life flashes before your eyes?!  A modified version happened to me.  Suddenly, everything became very clear. I knew what was supposed to happen next.  I knew where my life was supposed to go. For the first time in my life, I saw an image of Callie and I, hair grayed, tea on a table between us as we sit in rocking chairs on our wrap-around porch, patiently awaiting the arrival of our grandchildren.  In every relationship I had been in up until that point, I never quite saw myself like that with someone.  It was incredible!  As the space between me and the ground began to diminish, I looked at the world around me and smiled.  It was probably one of the biggest grins that has ever crossed my face.  I was allowed to rip the cord that deployed our parachute, and as we lackadaisically made our way to the ground, all I could think about was Song of Solomon, where Toni Morrison says,  “You wanna fly, you got to give up the shit that weighs you down.” That day, I let go of everything that weighed me down, of everything that ever held me back, of anything that made me feel like I wasn’t on top of the world like I felt at the edge of that plane.  It was the most incredible experience, and since then, the wings I acquired that day, have kept me elevated and in flight ever since…
falling sky

Throwback Thursday

CURLS!

SOME THINGS JUST DON'T CHANGE

SOME THINGS JUST DON’T CHANGE

Yup, I’ve always had them, and they have always been there.  Growing up, I always hated my curly hair.  I was the only one in my family whose hair was in tight little springs.  I wanted pin straight hair like my mother and sisters.  I wanted to be able to put a pretty ribbon in it, or wear it in pigtails without it looking like two Brillo pads fixed to the side of my noggin.  I wanted to be able to wear a headband and not have it get lost in the rat’s nest that rested at the top of my head.  To make matters worse, my mom had NO CLUE what to do with kinky hair like mine, so most of the time she tried her hardest to comb it out (I’ve been hit upside the head with a brush a couple of times in my life) and hoped for the best.  I remember getting my hair straightened for the first time (thanks to a relaxer that I will NEVER EVER do again!), and standing in front of the mirror for hours on end just brushing it, flipping it, swinging it back and forth.

curls curls

MY SUPER SHORT CUT AT MY BALLET RECITAL

MY SUPER SHORT CUT AT MY BALLET RECITAL

My hair was so tangled and matted when I was younger, that instead of combing treatment through my waist length hair after my cousin in Puerto Rico gave me head lice, my mother took scissors to my 6-year-old head, and cut it all off!Then she took my grandfathers electric hair cutting razor and took a #5 to my head.  Talk abouttraumatizing!  I cried for days and felt so naked in the hot PuertoRican sun.  My poor head burned so bad that year, I swear I’m still picking dead skin out of it 25 years later. I was made fun of constantly for it, and people would throw things in my hair and snicker about it when I would shake my head out later and erasers, gum wrappers, pencil shavings, and even the occasional gummy bear would fall out if it.  I punched someone in the face for it once, and that was the end of that!

As I grew up, maybe around 17-18, I started to realize how lucky I was to have such interesting and uncommon hair.  I started to love my curls.  I let my hair fall out of my trusted bushy ponytail as I began to read things and learn to take care of it.  This was still in the age of dial-up internet, and I would wait sometimes 10 minutes for a page to load so I could find out cool things to do with egg whites and olive oil and mayonnaise to make my hair super shiny and super healthy.  Over the last 10-12 years or so, I have done some pretty outrageous stuff to my hair.  I’ve died it orange.  I’ve had just the bottom half a bright candy apple red.  I’ve had it as short as an inch all around.  I’ve worn it in an Afro, and cornrows and have even had a shape-up/line-up/fade at one point.  I love twisting it around my finger, and letting the wind whip through it while I drive with my windows open.  I love how easy it is to do.  I wash it, throw some leave in conditioner in it, shake it out and walk out the door.  And lets not even talk about how excited I get about beach hair!  It’s truly THE BEST!

redshortcut  braidafro

With the idea of carrying one of Callie’s eggs so that our children are biologically related comes a little bit of sadness sometimes (not often enough to change my mind though) because I won’t see my brown eyes (not that Levi’s blue ones or Noah’s hazel ones aren’t AMAZING to get lost in), or my gap toothed smile (something else that took me a while to embrace and grow into), but especially this curly, kinky, outrageous, matted, spiral, cork screw of a hot mess mop on their head.  Who knows!?!  Maybe our next “little” will be a girl, and they’ll have Callie’s banana curls, which is what our kids would have looked like had we been able to biologically take a piece of me and a piece of her.  Either way, these curls are EVERYTHING and they give me life and add so much to my personality. I mean, I AM pretty wild and crazy, so why shouldn’t my hair be! Well played Universe, well played…

TIO