We’re Dealing…Sort of…

Trying to at least.  Life with a kid who has experienced a load of trauma in her short life, has to deal with the impending arrival of a biological half sibling and all the repercussions of feeling like “the unwanted one”,  a parent who is more absent than she and of course being 7, is not in the least bit easy. Actually, it’s pretty freaking hard, and this past month and a half has been damn near unbearable!

Mary has been exhibiting pretty normal behavior as far as the developmental milestones go for a 7  year old. Challenging authority, trying to prove her independence both socially and emotionally, developing better self-control, identifying emotions, and things like that.  She has also been exhibiting the traits of a child who is 7 that has ALSO experienced severe, early, and chronic trauma. Disregulation of affect, behavior, and/or cognition, as well as problems with trust, shame, self-esteem, and interpersonal relationships.  And even though I know that all of this is technically normal for “a kid like her” (I HATE when people say that, but here in this post it’s totally valid for making my point), I can’t help but be so damn frustrated and annoyed, and just at my wits end, and even thinking things that on a normal day I wouldn’t think.

Mary has been on and off of “punishment” or losing her privileges for the better part of a month and a half.  She’ll lose her freedom and choices for a few days at a time, and then gain them back, but no sooner has she had a day or two of her privileges back, she does something to totally and completely fuck it up again.  It’s been a continuous cycle for the past 6 weeks or so.  Just recently, she’s been lying so badly and consistently, that it was recommended (hesitantly) by her therapist to lie right back, and we did, and it was effective, and she hasn’t lied since, but as soon as she started to get her doggone privileges back, she failed to do the right thing again, and now, after having had a carnival, a fun party to attend, a field trip at camp (we weren’t sending her on trips for about 2 weeks), a day at the pool, and her toys back all in the course of 3 days, she decided that it would be really freaking cute to be rude and sassy to the basketball coach at her camp on Monday.

Callie’s dad went to pick her up at camp.  As he’s leaving the building, the counselor and the basketball coach chased him down to let him know what happened.  Apparently, when they were playing basketball, the coach asked Mary to give him the ball.  She adamantly refused, gave him the stink eye and said, “NO!” So, of course, he asked her again, and she repeated, “NO!”, at which point she finally gave up the ball by just dropping it to the ground and giving the coach a face that was just super fresh (you know the one with the dead stare and almost eye roll that makes you wanna smack them and the arms dangling at the side?  Yeah! That face!).  Then she stood there for the rest of the time, no effort, not moving, and when it was time to leave, the group filed out of the gym, and Mary was called back in by the coach, and she blatantly ignored him, and kept walking, knowing very well that she could hear him.  So the counselor marched her right back into the gym, and they both had a conversation letting her know that her behavior was unacceptable and that she would be in big trouble if she did it again.  Callie’s dad relayed all this information to Callie when he dropped her off at home after camp, and added, “Honestly, Honeypie, I don’t think she’s ever gonna learn!”.  Then Callie sent me a text, and I. WAS. FUMING!!!

I figured, I’d do my best to keep calm, walked through every possible scenario on my train ride home as to why in the world she would think it was okay to be so damn disrespectful (can you tell I’m still angry about this whole situation?!), and figured, since Callie had already suspended her choices YET AGAIN, that when I got home from work, we would sit at dinner and I would ask her calmly, what happened.  What had transpired during the day, or during basketball that made her act that way towards an adult?  What was going on with her emotionally that made her act so fresh?  So at dinner, we all set the table, washed up, and started to eat.  So I asked how her day went (we pretend that Callie hasn’t told me anything initially so Mary can make the choice to tell me the truth about her day, especially when she gets in trouble).

“It was okay.  But I got in trouble today at basketball.”

“Why did you get in trouble?”

“Because I wasn’t listening”

“Well, why weren’t you listening?”

“Because I didn’t want to play basketball”

“Why didn’t you want to play?”

“Because...”

“But what was your reason for not wanting to play?”

“Because!!”

“So you thought it was okay to be fresh and rude because you didn’t want to do something that someone asked you to do?!” (Now I’m getting a little more animated and a little more aggravated because we have had this conversation a dozen times about “The Mary Show” and her doing what she wants to do and not was is required or asked of her)

She gives me a blank stare and that damn smirk, so of course, now I lose it!  Like seriously lose it!  Hands down my most shameful parenting moment ever in life.

“YOU KNOW WHAT?!?! I’M SO TIRED OF THIS CRAP!!! THERE IS A LOT OF STUFF THAT I DON’T FEEL LIKE DOING AND I DO IT ANYWAY BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT YOU DO!!!  I DON’T FEEL LIKE GOING TO WORK, OR TAKING CARE OF KIDS, OR MAKING MONEY TO FEED ALL OF YOU GUYS, OR TAKE YOU TO THE PARK WHEN I’M TIRED AND I DON’T FEEL LIKE IT, OR BUY YOU NEW CLOTHES THAT YOU’RE GOING TO RUIN ANYWAY BECAUSE YOU AREN’T RESPONSIBLE WITH YOUR THINGS!!!  SO WHAT DO YOU DO?!  YOU’RE RUDE TO THE PEOPLE WHO ARE SO NICE AND FUN WITH YOU!?!   I’M SO TIRED OF YOUR BEHAVIOR BECAUSE IT’S EMBARRASSING!!!  YOU EMBARRASS US AND MAKE US LOOK BAD WHEN YOU BREAK THE RULES AND YOU ACT FRESH! AND SO HELP ME GOD, YOU BETTER GET YOURSELF TOGETHER MARY, OR I’M GONNA FREAKING LOSE IT!  I’VE HAD IT!  COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY HAD IT! (and with a pointed fork right in her direction…to end my tirade..) GET IT TOGETHER!!!! NOWWWWW!!!! AND NO PRIVILEGES UNTIL SCHOOL STARTS WHEN YOU PROVE THAT YOU’VE GOT IT FIGURED OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Slammed my fork on the table, and walked away)

Friends, this was just, ugh, so out of character for me, and I just, I don’t know!  Totally lost it!  I scared the crap out of her, and Callie, and even myself.  I had a brief moment where I saw my mother, and heard her voice, right before she beat the crap out of me and my siblings.  I couldn’t even believe that I actually did that.  But at the same time, it was totally liberating and almost like, she needed to hear it and see me angry and not just kinda flighty about the whole situation.  We have tried to address her lying and all of her behavioral issues in the best ways that we can (by the book, with the therapists help, with being in tune with the fact that she has loads of issues that your average 7 year old doesn’t have), and we have not even come CLOSE to fixing half of them.  And I know that it takes time, and I know that she isn’t going to be open to changing if this is how I am communicating with her.

And the worst part is (and this is real deep y’all) that at times like this, it makes me wonder if we are even ready to take on a kid that is so damaged.  What is this gonna look like in 5, 10 years.  Am I going to be taking a 15 year old to a clinic for an abortion, or bailing a 17 year old out of jail?  Am I gonna have to send my 16 year old off to rehab? Am I gonna have the authorities banging on my door at 2 am to tell me that my kid was caught doing something that she shouldn’t do?  Am I gonna worry about the wrong crowd and the unimaginable happening?  Do I have to worry that she is going to be a terrible influence on her younger siblings?  What is her behavior and poor choices going to do to our family, because still at times, Callie and I stand quite divided on how we should handle some of the issues that we face with her.  At times like this, I think, “No matter which way this adoption situation goes, I’ll be fine!  If she stays, cool.  If she doesn’t, cool.”  And that makes me feel like a horrible person, and I know that I only half way mean it when I’m angry.  And even though I know that we are doing the best we can, and we are trying our best to build her self confidence, and her self esteem and allow her to make mistakes so that she can learn from them, there is only so much we can take.

Every day, we lace up our boots, trudge through all the BS that parenting brings, and work together to do the best we can, when and while we can, to help change Mary’s life.  I know that I should have been more proactive than reactive at dinner, and that’s something that I am more aware of now that it’s actually happened.  I’ve made a promise to Callie and myself (and silently to Mary) that I will walk away BEFORE the explosion.  I didn’t do the right thing friends, and it’s been sitting with me for these past 2 days…I feel like a horrible Mamà….

7 Months Old Is WAAAAY Different Than 7 Years Old

My babies turned 7 months old yesterday!  Holy Moly!  I can’t believe a whole 7 months have gone by in what basically feels like the blink of an eye! One minute they are immobile, breastfeeding, milk inhaling, sleepless little blobs (meant in the most endearing and sweetest way possible) and the next they are crawling across the living room chasing the cat, harassing the rabbit, and grumbling and grunting their desire to stand up and walk around.  It all goes by too quickly, that’s for sure.Where are these little ones developmentally you ask?!  Well, I’ll tell ya!

NOAH OSCAR:  This guy!  He’s got so, so, so, so much energy!  He’s been trying to crawl for over a month now, and about a week ago he FINALLY figured it out.  No more frustrated crying after getting up on all 4’s and rocking back and forth for a minute until he realizes that he wasn’t getting anywhere.  Now he gets up on all 4’s, moves his left knee forward, then his right knee forward, and then drops onto his tummy about 6 inches from where he started, and does it over and over and over again, until he gets where he wants to go.  It’s pretty hilarious!  He moves similar to an inchworm.  Adorable!  He is perfecting his pincer grasp, which is WAY WAY early, but he’s gotten pretty good at picking things with his pointer and thumb (like puffs and cheerios) and trying to get them into his mouth.  Those two bottom teeth he cut on the same day are helping him chew.  He doesn’t quite know how to let go of the food yet, but I’m sure, given another 2-3 weeks, he’ll likely figure that out too.  He’s practicing drinking from his sippy cup, but really would rather just bang it around and furrowing his brow while he continuously gets water in his eyes.  He’s saying tons of consonants like, b, d, t and lately m.  We’ve also been teaching them to sign and “milk” is becoming more consistent, especially for their bedtime bottle.  I’ll see him wiggling on the floor, on his back (which is unusual for him) opening and closing his hands rapidly, and in his raspy little voice going, “MMMM, MMM, MMM!!!”  He also loves standing and would rather have his feet firmly planted on the floor than anything else. We’ll probably be breaking out the walker this week, being that his need to ALWAYS be on his feet is giving his moms some serious back spasms.  Personality wise, this kid is super serious, determined and a hard laugh.  He only laughs when his brother cries at his hands.  That has to be the funniest thing on the planet to him.  Also, he cracks up when Mamá walks through the door at the end of the day, legs kicking all over the place, but I think it’s because he associates it with dinner time!  He won’t stop something until he gets it, like putting those colored rings onto the pillar, even if they aren’t in order (did you know if kids can do this under the age of one, there is a 90% chance that s/he has a genius IQ?!?! Yup!  So we’re halfway there!).  He doesn’t like being held, and isn’t so great at playing by himself.  He is very aware of everything going on around him.  He’s not very cautious and definitely more impulsive.  And he never, ever, stops moving,  Something tells me he’s gonna be walking sooner than we are hoping for, and the baby proofing will be in full effect this weekend.  Yesterday, Callie stepped out of the living room to poor herself a glass of water.  When she comes back, not even 30 seconds later, he had made his way to where we keep the bedding for the rabbit cage, and there was pine alllllllll over the living room floor. 30 SECONDS PEOPLE!  I just can’t even!  One word to describe him: ACTIVE LEVI JAMES:  Oh, my little Levi.  Something about this kid just lights up a room.  He is the perfect sitter, not yet even trying to crawl.  He is super content just sitting up (for super long periods of time) thumbing through books and rolling cars around.  Or flipping them over.  It’s all the same in his book.  He’s not as agile and coordinated as his brother, and still completely fists everything he can get his hands on.  Including my hair…all the time!  He has become a professional raspberry blower (especially at the most inopportune times, like through Aunt Brit’s ENTIRE memorial service, which she would have found absolutely hilarious!) and has been having a hard time with the teething.  His gums are super swollen and you can sort of see where the teeth are just about to break the surface.  Poor little guy has been miserable, and so has his sleep, and by association, so has ours!  4 nights of waking every 2-3 hours.  This hasn’t happened since he was 6 weeks old!  Levi loves to eat everything he can get his hands on, but especially everything he CAN’T get his hands on.  He has pretty much tried everything we have ever eaten in his presence in the past 2 months.  Chicken, steak, avocado, string beans, lemon, sweet potatoes, beans, whole peas, steamed carrots, fried dough, corned beef, rice, Pasteles, and anything else you can think of, he’s probably eaten it.  He’s just started to use his voice, and has gotten pretty good at the sound, Bu, bu, bu, but really, that’s about it.  He has learned to give “besos” totally opened mouth with a messy tongue,  and has started to give very squishy baby hugs.  He’s a pro at using his sippy cup!  I think he’ll be weened from his bottle sooner than the year we are hoping to get them off by.  He also is learning to sign but I don’t think he has picked up on the connection between words and signing.  Personality wise, he is our cautious, smiley observer.  He likes to scope things out, see what’s going on, and then do.  He goes into a new room and will let you put him down, but does the once over to see where everything and everyone is.  He looks at his toys and looks at us, and looks at his toys, and looks at us, and finally we say, “Puedes Jugar! (You can play!)” and then he’ll grab it.  He’s also hyper aware of where his bully brother is at all time!  And this kid has to be the friendliest baby on the planet.  You can’t even look at him without him smiling, and the best part is his full belly laugh!  Favorite sound to laugh at?  “QUACK QUACK!”  and any time I tell him he has a stinky booty!  He’s very calm, hardly fusses, and goes to sleep once his head hits the mattress.  He is usually the better sleeper (although the past couple of nights have been difficult with the teething), and is usually content just being.  One word to describe him: JUBILANT

Now, let’s talk about 7 year olds!  Ugh!  So help me GOD, before I lose my ish!  When you have a 7 year old, it gets real!  When you have a 7 year old that is a foster child, well, there is nothing that can describe that amount of anguish and “I’m gonna stab myself in the face!” that accompanies that.  See, Mary is going through a lot right now in her personal life, but also through the developmental changes that the average 7 year old goes through.  7 year old’s are going through what would be described as a transitional phase.  They aren’t the wide eyed 5 kindergarteners anymore, but also not old enough for those “amazing” preteen years.  Being 7 is about asserting your independence.  It’s about making your own choices (like what “extra’s” you want to take part in) and about processing the world around you.  It’s about asking questions and learning new things.  It’s also when kids start to REALLY test their limits.  Talking back and lying and being stubborn just to prove a point. And I have to say, 7 at our house has been pretty damn shitty!

I contemplated writing about this (mainly for fear of judgment at our tactics to teach Mary that her incessant lying is unacceptable), but then I read a post by Lindsay over at Solo Mama and decided, this is the real stuff that we SHOULD be writing about because it’s not all rainbows and sunshine and fruit salad (OMG!  I’ve been loving me some fruit salad these days!).  This is the stuff that parenting nightmares are made of sometimes.  Imagine a little girl, who’s biological mother is inconsistent (and pregnant with a new baby due in two weeks = rejection), who is processing the idea of being adopted, by 2 moms, with a father who couldn’t care less about her, who has experienced trauma beyond anything that my brain and heart can understand who is also SEVEN!  Let me paint a picture for you!

Mary’s mom disappeared from mid January through the end of June.  The first 2 months of her mother’s absence were difficult.  I mean, ridiculously tough.  Talking back, attitude all the time, constant lying, and using a tearful “I misssssss mommmmmyyyyy!” as a reason to not get in trouble for breaking the rules.  We are educators.  We get why kids do what they do.  So we started implementing a “loss of privileges” and also giving Mary words for the things that she was feeling.  We also understand a lot of her history, and for a long time, she was taught to lie, was never disciplined and treated as a mini adult and mom’s best friend.  Slowly but surely, the loss of privileges seemed to be working.  We would start by taking away screen time for the rest of the day.  If she continues to sass mouth and break the rules, she would lose her privileges for 2 days, and so on.  It got to the point where she lost her privileges (screen time, playing in the bath, dessert, outside time) for up to a week!  Finally, FINALLY, she was back on track!  2 whole months later we were making progress!  More please and thank you’s, school grades skyrocketed, teachers weekly report stated that she was super social and helpful in the classroom, and the lying stopped all together.  This all happened at the same time that mom disappeared and we started getting more honest with her about adoption and her mom losing her rights.  Then, mom shows up, and for the past 2 months we have been seeing this behavior again.  All the time.  Every day!  The lying has been as unbearable as you can imagine.  And always about the same thing!  Brushing her teeth and washing her face.   The first time we caught her (she claimed to have done it, even though she couldn’t have been in the bathroom for more than a minute, and I gave her the opportunity to tell the truth and she didn’t, so I sent her to bed, only to go into the bathroom a minute later and find a bone dry toothbrush!!!!) she had lost her screen time for the next day.  Not even 2 days later, she lied about it again, so she lost her screen time and sweets for two days.  A steady progression of lies later, she was up to a week with no privileges. When we talked to her about it, she said that she was scared that her mom was going to get her back and that she didn’t want to leave our family.  We totally get it!  Anxiety!  But lying!  No way.  I was so fed up after the last lie, that the day that she gained her privileges back, I told her that the next time she lies, she would lose her privileges for 30 days!  She understood, or so I thought!

The next day, we let her have sweets, we made popcorn and hot chocolate, and watched the Minions movie.  When the movie was done, I told her to go brush her teeth, wash her face and get ready for bed.  She was in there for a few minutes, and when she came out to kiss us goodnight, I noticed that her hairline was completely dry, so I asked her, “Did you do as we asked you?”  “Yes”  “Are you sure?!”  “yes!”  “Are you really sure!?!” Blank stare!  Sure enough, I go into the bathroom, soup is untouched, toothbrush bone dry, and Mary is behind me, screaming at the top of her lungs, “I DON’T WANT TO LOSE MY PRIVILEGES FOR 30 DAYS!!!!!!! WAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!”  “Well kiddo, you should have thought about that before you lied.  What were you doing in here that whole time?  Pretending?”  This little pain in my ass, had the audacity to shake her head yes (although I can’t be mad because she FINALLY, FINALLY told the truth), so we sent her to bed, beginning her punishment the next day.  In reality, we were only taking away her privileges for the next 2 weeks.  We continued to communicate with her therapist and touching base with her, and see if she would talk to Mary about her behavior, but she insisted that we be consistent and hold her accountable for her actions.  She was doing pretty well for the almost 2 weeks that she had lost her “freedom”, but the day before she was to gain her privileges back (Thursday evening), BOOM!  LIES! So we spoke to her therapist who said we had tried everything that we could to get her to correct her behavior, and that perhaps, if she felt what it feels like to have someone lie to you and disappoint you (which we thought would be nothing new considering her relationship with her mother), then maybe, just maybe she would learn!  So, we had to lie.  We didn’t want to, but we had to take our chances and hope for the best possible outcome.

This past Saturday was “Family Fun Day” for the foster care families in our county at a local amusement park called Playland (Mariah Carey shot her Fantasy Video there).  We were going to a BBQ lunch, with face painting and arts and crafts for the kids, and then ALl Day ALL You Can Rid wristbands.  We LOVE this place, and had a blast last year!  Initially, we weren’t gonna go because we didn’t want to reward her poor behavior and constant lying, but we took this as the perfect opportunity to emphasize why lying is so terrible.  So we got her super hyped up!  “It’s gonna be sooooo awesome!!! We’re gonna go on all the rides, and we can go on the Dragon Coaster TWICE!  We’re gonna eat cotton candy and fried dough and caramel and candy apples!  You get to play with all your friends!!!  It’s gonna be AMAZING!!!!”   After a little while, she started getting excited.  She was like, “YAS!! It’s gonna be so so so so so so so so so so so fun!!! I can’t wait!!! When are we leaving!?  Is it time yet?  Now? Almost ready!?  Will you sit on The Whip with me!?  OMG! The Funhouse is so….FUN!” and she kept this up in the car.  We even had a dance going and everything.  We get there, find a table, talk to some of our other foster parent friends, let her run around and get a butterfly painted on her face, and she did a ton of crafts, we ate lunch, and about 2 hours after we arrived, she was ready to go!  Sure, I said!  All the rides, I said!  So we gather up our stuff, start walking towards the park, and as we are passing rides, she’s saying, “Ooh this one?!?!”  “We’ll come back to it honey!”    We are walking with friends and start kissing them goodbye.  Mary asks if they are leaving.  “No, we are!”

“WAIT WHAT?!?!  But you said we could go on all the rides!?!

“I lied!”

Dead stare.  Tears on the brim.  She lets go of the stroller, and puts her head down as we walk into the parking lot, climbs silently into the car, and noiselessly releases a few tears on the 20 minutes drive home.  While we are driving, I let it sink it.  We get home, she goes to the bathroom, washes her face paint off, and goes directly into her room.  A little while later, we call her out into the living room to “debrief” what had happened.  We asked her what she was feeling.

“I feel sad, and mad, and disappointed because you said we could go on all the rides!”

“We are so sorry we lied to you, but we needed you to understand how lying feels.  When you lie to us, it makes us feel so sad at you, and so angry at you, and so disappointed with you because you make us feel like we can’t trust you, and that makes parents really really sad.  We were hoping that you would do the right thing all the time, and then you make poor choices that make us wonder if you deserve to have fun times.  When you do the right thing, we have a great time, like the Poconos, and when we went to Playland before, and the movies, and Glow in the Dark Putt Putt, and the arcade.  But when you make poor choices, we get sad at you and take those things away and then you have to earn them back.  We don’t like to put you in trouble, but sometimes, you leave us no choice.  Do you understand why lying is not the best thing? How people’s feeling get hurt?”

She shook her head yes, but we weren’t sure it had sunk in, until at dinner time, without being prompted, during a stint of silence, she said of her own volition, “I’m not gonna lie anymore.  I’m gonna do the right thing and make the right choices!”  Since Saturday evening, she has brushed her teeth and washed her face every day TWICE!  She has cleaned her station after dinner and cleared her plate and placed it NICELY in the dishwasher.  She has made her bed and made sure that all of her shoes were organized and her dressers had no clothes hanging our of them WITHOUT BEING PROMPTED!!! SAY WHAT!?!?!  By George, I think she’s got it. Also, my wife is a genius!

She doesn’t know it, but today she starts gaining her privileges back, one by one, by going to an outdoor concert at the park, and for the first time in about a month, she’ll be able to take her bike with her.  Tomorrow night, we’ll be going with my parents and my nieces to the Carnival and she’ll be able to ride the rides, and Friday night, we will have a long overdue family movie night once the boys get to bed.  I’m excited for her to get her privileges back.  I’m excited that she’s understanding why lying is not ok!  I’m excited that she’s finally getting it.  I hate that we had to take it to that extreme, but I’ll consider the outcome a parenting win!  I will admit, that it took everything in me to not cry from the amount of disappointment that was sprawled across her face, but now, I see, that clearly, at least for the moment it has worked.

Tomorrow is our first TPR court hearing.  Wish us luck, and thanks for reading this eternally long post!