A One Year Old Miracle

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(I know I won’t have time tomorrow)  What a difference a year makes!!!  I think I am probably in more shock than anyone that our little Austin Ryan is ONE!  A whole year!  Our little miracle is doing so many things, and has done so well considering how early he was born. 29 weeks, 6 days, with 10 weeks to go, and he was ready to come meet the world.  I Still scroll through pictures of his first few days of life, and honestly don’t even recognize that baby.

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WELCOME TO THE WORLD AUSTIN RYAN

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6 HOURS OLD

Seeing those pictures always splits me in two.  Part of me still can’t believe that he came so early, and that we were thrown such a curveball and had to do so many things to adjust our lives to meet all of his needs, as well as the needs of two VERY HORMONAL moms and 3 other children.  But we nailed it, and it made our little family unit stronger.  And the other part of me is so excited that Austin came and changed EVERYTHING just when it needed to change.  It changed my relationship with Callie.  It changed my relationship with my children.  It changed my relationship with MYSELF, and all of these things came because Austin did…not too late, not too early, just as he should have.  So I thank the Universe every day for all of my miracles, but I say an extra thank you for bringing us Austin.

Stats: you can read the last post, since it’s all there!

He is quite the character!  He tries to keep up with his brothers, and does a pretty good job of it.  I can always assume that if one of the boys is crying, Austin is tackling him, crawling over him, bullying them for their toys, crawling away at lightning speed with one of their sippy cups, but they sure do love their brother!  I often hear them walking through the house saying, “Papo? Are-shu?? Ah are-shu!?!?!” and when they find him, ” HA! ::giggle giggle:: Dere’s YOU (there’s you!!!)!!! and it melts my heart every damn time!

Our little miracle boy is a whole year old tomorrow.  And my heart, every day, reminds me how lucky we are that he is with us, because his life, OUR lives could have been very different.  I think of all of the things I will treasure the most about Austin’s first year of life is the breastfeeding relationship that we had.  Guys, like many other mamas who have struggled with breastfeeding and supply, I BUSTED it trying to make milk for my tiny little Austin.  I never pumped more than 5 ounces in once sitting EVER (and that only happened 3 times because I hadn’t pumped or nursed in 6 hours!).  I was taking domperidone, all types of herbs, drinking all types of teas, and nursing, pumping AND hand expressing (because pumping never fully emptied me) and I was STILL supplementing a little less than half of his bottles, but it was so beautiful, and I really loved having that time with him.  We only nursed for 7 months, but it was awesome!  And when Callie has baby #5 (yup, that’s happening in maybe another year or so!!!!!!!!! YASSSS!!!!) I will do everything I can, to re-lactate and nurse the newest Mendez as well, even if it IS just a little snack (what I used to say to Austin when I nursed him).

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THE MAGICAL 5OZ DAY

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THIS BOY LOVES TO NURSE

So, yeah….our Miracle is ONE…img_35261


I was scrolling through my phone looking for pictures and had completely forgotten that for Austin’s first week of life, I didn’t have my journal, so I kept small little notes in my phone.  I’ve added them here below just in case they ever get lost…

Austin Ryan
12/17/15 – Thursday
Born December 17th, 2015 @ 4:53pm.  He was 3lbs 9oz, and 15″ long, coming 10 weeks and 1 day early.  He was breathing well on his own from the get. They had him on 30 oxygen and within the first 24hrs was taken down to 22! This little guy is a fighter and he is so tough and feisty! He’s a beautiful boy with Levi’s face and Noah’s nose.  He has the cutest little cry

12/18/15 – Friday
Today is our second day in the hospital.  I’ve been feeling pretty good.  Everyone seems surprised that im doing so well.  The nurses can’t believe that I delivered my baby is 3 pushes! I didn’t take any meds today and everyone is pretty surprised.  I also started pumping and getting a few drops of colostrum.  I put it on q-tip swabs so they can give Austin Ryan some oral care with my breast milk.  He seems to like it.  He’s still breathing well on his own and they have turned off the oxygen but still have the CPAP in to keep his lungs expanded.  He’s had a couple of apnea episodes and a couple of Brady’s, but is still doing really well! My baby boy is gonna be just fine.  My heart knows it! (Jesy, Tia Jenny, Tio Roberto, Kika, and Katie came to visit)

12/19/15 – Saturday
Lobster dinner was delicious last night! It was nice to sit there with Callie and share a little moment and celebrate our beautiful boy!  Today’s nurse is really nice.  Her name is Sue and she kinda reminds me of Arizona from Greys Anatomy.  She let me feed Austin today.  It was just putting 3cc’s of breastmilk in the tube and holding it up so that he could get it into his belly, but it was beautiful.  His bilirubin levels went up so they have him under the UV lights to help bring down his levels.  He also swats at the nurse when she tries to fix the CPAP that he keeps pulling out! This little guy is gonna be trouble! He does things in his own time and his own way, and that seems like it’s gonna be a theme with him! I’m gettin ready!

12/20/15 – Sunday
I was discharged yesterday and leaving the hospital without our baby is the hardest thing I’ve ever done.  I basically cried the whole day.  It was really really hard for me.  Those bonding hormones are no joke! AR is still doing great! Still off the oxygen, still on the lights, and tolerating the breastmilk really well.  I am so happy that I am able to produce milk for him because the doctor says it’s easier for him to digest it and to process it than formula.  Not much more progress than yesterday with the exception of taking out one of the lines from his umbilical cord and taking off the bilirubin lights.  Seems like his levels went down which is great!  They are supposed to be doing A PICC line tomorrow, and a head ultrasound either Monday or Tuesday to make sure he’s not hemorrhaging or that there isnt anything wrong with his little brain. Hopefully all goes well.

12/21/15 – Monday
Spent most of the afternoon in the hospital.  We got to hold Austin Ryan for the first time since the 5 minutes after he was born.  What an incredible feeling. I cried of course, and got to hold him and sing him my boys lullabies, “Beautiful Boy”, “Our House” and “Power of Two”.  Since I sing them to Levi and Noah all the time, i’m sure he heard them when in my belly.  I have to say, I really miss being pregnant. I feel like I got gyped out of enjoying my pregnancy.  It makes me sad, but if I dwell on it i start crying like an idiot! Today, he was back on the lights because his levels went back up again.

Almost One!

I can’t even believe that our 3.9 lb baby born at 29 weeks 6 days will be ONE next week!  A whole year!  Holy Crap!  I honestly don’t even know how that happened!  I guess having 3 under two, constantly on the run, and almost never having a break, the days just sorta wiz by.  Needless to say, ONE…in a week…and even crazier, as of the end of January I will also have a wife who is closer to 40 than 30 (and I mean that as a compliment because older woman are just WOW! Especially Callie!), an officially adopted 9 year old (paperwork is all in, minus updated physicals but they can file with expired ones so long as the updated ones are in before the finalization:another post for sure), and twin boys that will be 2!  December and January are madness!!!  img_60021

Austin’s 1 year well visit went well.  He is 24lbs 13oz, which outweighs his brothers by 1.6lbs and 1.9lbs respectfully.  He’s a little chunk, and anyone who knows me knows that chunky babies give me LIFE!  He is crawling, standing and finally cruising furniture, and just this past Sunday, he took 2 steps towards Callie as we decorated the Christmas tree.  He’s been getting physical therapy every Friday for about 2 months now, because he still has some gross motor issues, and even if he didn’t, the extra help and the one on one time still has major benefits for him.  He still isn’t stringing any sounds together, and hasn’t said Mama yet, but he loves to smile and laugh and has the best giggly squeal in the house.  Oh, and clapping!  He absolutely LOVES to clap, which he learned last week.   img_62041

He eats any and everything you put in front of him.  We’ve started to mix his bottles and started transitioning him to whole milk, which surprisingly, unlike his brothers, he LOVES.  But honestly, we expected that because he’s been mooching off of their sippy cups anytime he finds them on the coffee table when he’s crawling around.  One time I walked into the living room after having gone to the kitchen to fix him a bottle for about 1 minute, and I return only to find Levi adjusting a pillow so that Austin can lay on it, while he drinks…………a Mickey Mouse sippy full of whole milk.  Also, the other 3 kids, love the heck out of Austin.  I love when I see little glimpses of how my siblings and I were growing up, like when Mary tells Noah to sit nicely so she can tie his shoes.  Or how Levi will randomly stop playing to walk over, and give Austin a kiss and hug.  Or how, when I offer Noah something, the automatic response is “An EE-BYE TOO?!? (and Levi too?!?)” .  4 kids is so so hard, on a GOOD day, but seeing that, the connection, the way they play and fight and love each other…it does something to me.  It just makes me so happy, and sometimes, on the worst days, that’s all I have to think about to change things: 4 happy, healthy, loving, crazy, silly, tough, obnoxious, amazing kids!  I’m hella lucky y’all!IMG_6107[1].JPG

His birthday party is planned for Saturday, and saying we are completely unprepared is an understatement.  I haven’t even been to the fabric store to get material to make his High Chair Banner. I JUST ordered the cake this morning, which ended up having to be a shit ton of cupcakes because I was waaaaayyy too late to order, but it ended up being a blessing in disguise because $325+tip vs. $84 is LEGIT!  Callie is ordering the food today (hopefully) and my Oriental Trading order of over $300 that has all of our decorations, materials for center pieces and paper goods (all farm themed mind you!) won’t even be in until tomorrow and I HAVEN’T EVEN GOTTEN A SHIPPING CONFIRMATION yet, and the party is Saturday….yeah, this coming one!  So, things are a little hectic, and it might entail me spending more money than I need/want to spend during THE HOLIDAY SEASON, with EVERYONE’S BIRTHDAY IN MY HOUSE IN DECEMBER AND JANUARY, and if this order isn’t in by tomorrow night, Friday night after work, I’ll be heading to every party store in town to find the things I need. It’s ok though…soon, it’ll all be over, and we can recoup!IMG_6069[1].JPG

Aside from that, life has been good!  Very good.  There have been a couple of things here and there that have come up that we’ve managed to handle, some better than others, some easier than others, but otherwise, life is pretty darn good friends…pretty darn good!img_62022


 

So, there is something else that I kinda wanted to write about but I wasn’t really sure how I wanted to go about talking about it without being judged, but then I realized, that’s part of the work I’m doing, part of this healing that I have been going through.  So, here goes….

Since Election night, something inside me shifted.  The only way to describe it is, that night, after the results, I felt an ache in my chest like I had never felt before.  Interestingly though, I knew how upset I was, but something about this sadness that I was experiencing, was disconnected, almost like it wasn’t mine.  I hardly slept that night, as images of people crying, and dark shadows looming in corners kept creeping into my dreams.  I woke up, still kinda feeling strange and….emotional, i think like most of the country, but it was different.  I got on the train that morning to get to work, and the heaviness of that ride was so intense, that it took everything in me to not get off the train and head home.  It was overwhelming….so i prayed, and then, everything change.

I’ve been on a very enlightening spiritual journey this past month, and I have connected with myself, with others that have been experiencing the same thing, mainly old friends and acquaintances who are experiencing similar physical and emotional “symptoms” so to speak.  I’ll absolutely still be blogging here, as I’ve made some really wonderful and beautiful friendships and connections here and love to hear about your lives and your families, and honestly, it makes me a better person, but I think it’s also important to start chronicling some of this “other” stuff I’m going through and experiencing (besides being a kick ass Mama!).  Some of it will sound strange, the skeptics won’t believe it, but i think you all know enough about me to know that I’m pretty damn sane, and that even though I’m crazy, I’m not, ya know….CRAZY!

If you feel like, maybe that’s something you’re interested in reading, or hearing about, or even if your just being nosy, and want to make fun of me under your breathe, that’s cool too! Not a reflection of me, ya know, but head over…. My Wonderfully Unexpected Awakening  .  There isn’t anything posted yet, but there will be, probably more consistently than here, as this journey is a huge part of my life right now, and has bled over into EVERYTHING!  It’s really such a beautiful thing, and I’m ready to share it with the world….see ya there 😉

~Sammie

The Day We Absolutely Got It Wrong

It was yesterday, and although I have so much to say, and nothing to say all at the same time, I want to document the devastation that I felt announcing to my 8 year old daughter this morning, that Trump won.  I don’t think I’ll ever forget the look of disappointment on her face, eyes brimming with tears, the look of despair and desolation.  A face that was silently asking, “How could a bully win, Mama?  You told me there was no way!”  And for the first time as a parent, I carried the weight of our nations failure upon my shoulders as I stealthily tried to suppress tears of anguish, pain, fear and disappointment in order to protect my daughter, my sons, my wife, myself from the notion that maybe I DON’T have all the answers.  That maybe no matter how hard I try, I WON’T actually be able to protect them.  That my existence as part of this beautiful, multicultural, same-sex family could be literally pried from my finger tips as i’m left kicking and screaming and clawing and scratching to scrape together the few pieces of my life that I might have left.  And even though I know intellectually that this may be the worst case scenario (because you know, check and balances or whatever) and that this day might never come, the FEELING is so real!  The feeling is just so overwhelming and hope-sucking.  I’m left here feeling defeated.  Mainly because I don’t know how to muster up the words, let alone the courage to explain what is actually happening in our world, but also because every life lesson I have taught my daughter thus far (prepare for your tests, be a kind person, don’t tease or bully people, work together because teamwork makes the dream work, respect your body and other peoples bodies) has nullified between the hours of 4pm and 4am.

Friends, last night, as I sat and watched and cried and prayed, I realized that the only thing that will heal us, the only thing that will fix this divide, this fissure, is the same thing that has been tried and true the ONLY way to bring about ANY type of peace…and that, is LOVE.  It’s understanding, and patience, and tolerance, yes!  And good deeds, and generosity, and letting go of your ego.  But ultimately, its love.  Random acts of kindness, engagement in your communities.  Smiling and talking to random people, and really living in your truth.  The real truth, you know, the one of “treating/loving others as you would like to be treated/loved.”  And if there is anything that I have learned in the past few hours of 11/9/16 is that LOVE always wins!  That people will realize that this divide is REAL, and that there is a lot of anger and pain in this country.  There are a lot of hurt people and hurt and frustration can easily manifest in anger.  And i get that.  I totally get that.  But this man, he is not our answer.  Love may have lost this battle, but it will not lose the war.  Hate will never be how I live.  Having such hate in our hearts will now, and always be, the ONLY day, that we ABSOLUTELY got it wrong…

Love, friends…because Love, that’s real….THAT will change things…

~Sammie

 

Nothing Changes if Nothing Changes…

In May, we went to family court to start to determine what was going to happen as far as Mary’s permanency was concerned.  Mary’s birth mom felt that if she didn’t commit to signing a Conditional Surrender ([CS]signing over your parental rights with certain conditions attached) she would never be able to see her daughter again.  She figured that the court would see her as unfit and decide in our favor and that the termination of her rights by the court and not of her own volition, is not what she wanted.  Signing over her right would allow her to negotiate the terms of the surrender, and she would essentially be in charge of her own fate.

Before court that day, in fact, once they switch Mary’s track from reunification to adoption, Callie and I had been discussing what the conditional surrender would look like if Mary’s birth ever even considered it an option (initially was very adamant that she would NEVER, EVER sign a surrender!).  We decided initially on no visits and bi-annual emails.  Eventually, we put our own feelings aside when we really started listening to Mary and what she wanted.  She absolutely wants to be able to see her mother and her baby sister and loves them dearly.  Having grown up without knowing or having access to my biological father has affected me in ways that I didn’t even know until multiple therapist have brought it up!  After really talking this one out, we wanted what was best for Mary emotionally, developmentally, and mentally.  We figured keeping her connected to her birth mom was important for her, and as her moms, we wanted to make that happened.

A few days after all of the paperwork was signed in court, we doubled down on our promise to Mary about keeping her connected to her birth family by sending her mom an email.  We wanted to makes sure that if we were going to begin to foster a relationship with B-Ma (Birth Mother), we wanted to establish some ground rules and really, tackle the elephant in the room. That BY LAW we are now her mothers, and BY LAW she was not.  Callie and I sat over the course of the next couple of days deciding the best way to address our current predicament.  Callie has a much more gentle and well rounded approach. I am a lot more direct and tend not to sweeten or soften things up, so most of our time was spent reviewing the email and her telling me that I can’t call her a ” drug addict who needs to get her life together because you have two kids that aren’t in your care, and how many damn chances do you need?!?!”.  We sent an email expressing our concerns about beginning a relationship with her and how her behavior and  inability to be consistent and present for Mary is detrimental to her.  That in order for our relationship to work and for her to be a part of Mary’s life besides the 4 quarterly visits a year, we needed to be able to trust her.  We needed to be able to take her word.  We needed to be able to communicate effectively. That we needed to see for ourselves that she was committed to being an active member of Mary’s life.  Of all those things though, our emphasis was TRUST, because honestly the only information that we have to go on and the only experiences we have with her have proven to us that “trustworthy” is probably the last quality would we would think of to describe her.  In fact, if actually asked that question, I don’t think “trustworthy” would be a word that we would even think about!  But, we sent the email.  And, she responded, an was so happy and excited that we were willing to give the opportunity to be in her daughter life.  We’ve been corresponding quite a bit.  In fact, she even bought Mary a ton of summer clothes and sneakers, a new writing journal for her stories, and underwear and socks.

In compliance with the CS, we’ve been in touch with Mary’s caseworker (since she is technically still a ward of our county, Dept. Of Social Services is still responsible until adoption is fully granted) who is responsible for setting up the first meeting of these quarterly visits. After going back and forth most of July with B-Ma about making arrangements for a visit in August, they decided that Mary’s Visit with B-Ma would be 8/2.  Our worker ended up having a family emergency that day and had to reschedule. So they did, for 8/9, but because of transportation issues with Mary going to camp outside of our county, they had to reschedule the visit again to submit a request for out of county transport and it required 14 days to approve.  Visit now scheduled for 8/24.  After emailing a few times, and B-Ma being in contact with the caseworker, everything was on track.  Wednesday morning, we sent Mary to camp with one of the outfits her mom had given her and a huge smile on her face.  She boarded the bus, gets to the facility, meets her worker, hugs him, gets in the elevator and heads up to the visiting room only to find out that B-Ma….

Didn’t show up!  She didn’t freaking show up!  After all of the emails, all of the confirmations, all of the arranging and re-arranging to accommodate her!  After a clean drug test 3 days before.  After having discussed in detail what her missing visits does to our daughter and how it is so detrimental to her!  After all of that and you don’t show up?!?!?!   Are you serious!?!  And you want to know why?!  Because her boyfriend, the new babies father, didn’t leave her a Metrocard (A $2 and 75 cent fucking card!) to take the bus, and she didn’t bother calling, better yet, EMAILING the worker who has NO ACCESS to his computer during a visit, until 11:20 when the visit started at 11!  You guys!  You have to read her email and her desperation to see her daughter because 3 months is “the longest I have gone without seeing my baby”, which is bullshit because she disappeared for over 6 months a year and a half ago!  And then you don’t fucking show up?! So, our worker, who is incredible, took Mary outside to the waterfront, to eat Icee’s and play I-Spy, and after the hour was up, put a really upset kid back on a bus to camp, to sit in her own sorrow the rest of the day.

Luckily, it seems like Mary is kind of over her B-Ma, and we’re cool with that.  I think that she is starting to recognize that her mom is just never really gonna be good at making the right choices.  Despite the days events, she was in one of the best moods I had seen her in all summer.  I think the concert at the park, gourmet grilled cheeses for dinner, unlimited use of my Pokemon GO app, and ice cream cones before bed helped make it better, for sure!  But I couldn’t let it go!  I wrote.  And I wrote. And I wrote.  And Callie edited, edited edited!  And an email was put together reminding B-Ma that that was strike one of two, and that we aren’t going to be doing this anymore.  That Mary is our daughter and we treat her and love her like our own flesh and blood.  That she is our first baby, and that as parents we would do anything to protect her from being hurt.  That we would do anything to ensure her happiness.  And that we would not allow her to continue to hurt her. No, we will NOT be rescheduling your visit.  You can see her in November.  And NO, we will not make up lies and tall tales to protect Mary from your inconstancy.  And mainly that we, unlike the system, are not paid/inclined to give her a million chances, and that we will absolutely, without question, no longer tolerate all of your fuckery!

She hasn’t responded.  Not sure if she will.  Callie blames her missed visit on forgetfulness.  I blame the forgetfulness on pregnancy brain…oh yeah, I filed to mention…She’s pregnant again…

 

10 Things They Shoulda Told Me!

As a seasoned parent*, I think it’s important to let people know the things that no one told me about parenting that I learned along the way…

  1.  Buy stock in “insert favorite lotion here” – They fail to tell you how many times a day you will wash and sanitize your hands, bottles, toys, your kids hands, and pretty much anything that comes in contact with a teething infant/toddler or two.  I think we have spent more money on lotion for these dry hands in the past 19 months than we have in about 19 years combined!
  2. You don’t have to take the kids to the Dr. for EVERYTHING – after you have made your first round of sicknesses with your kids, you basically know what a stomach bug looks like for your kiddo and how long it takes for them to get over it.  If my kid has had diarrhea for 2 consecutive days with no fever and general crankiness, chances are it’s a….you guessed it! Belly bug!  Don’t need a $20 co pay for that! (NOTE:  Please take your kid to the doctor if you don’t know what the hell is going on!)
  3. Your body will hurt like you got hit by a truck– I don’t know why I didn’t think of this.  Did I expect to be in the best shape of my life when I decided to have kids? No, I didn’t expect that at all.  But I also didn’t expect to feel like I got hit by a semi, run over by 2 consecutive F-150’s, then compressed in a garbage truck, and spit out into bed only to be woken up at 3am with a grinding pain in my hip and a pang in my elbow.  This, all from playing for THIRTY MINUTES at a kids play space, but also and usually from bending and reaching to pick up a 20+lb toddler, I dunno, about a THOUSAND times a day!
  4. Stretch IMMEDIATELY after getting out of bed – re-read number 3.
  5. Watch the most hysterical movie you have ever seen and practice not laughing – This is for reals people!  Some of the things my kids say and do warrant a spanking, ONLY because it’s so damn hilarious  that it’s not right that I should have to be subjected to NOT laughing at it!  So unfair, but also, such a big deal.  Being aware that I have a ridiculous sense of humor and laugh at everything, I try my best to implement the RAR system (Reprimand and Run) in our house, but Callie reminds me that if they are ever going to take me serious as a disciplinarian (which I am not!) I’m going to have to stop laughing every time they do something that’s not ok.  Throwing their food from the highchair, blowing raspberries with a spoonful of green bean puree in their mouth, and beating her brothers (who were cracking up by the way) over the head with a light up Styrofoam stick (guys, it was freaking hilarious!!!!) is behavior I should be correcting and not laughing at.  “The Pest”, “Bridesmaids” and “Old School”, I’m just gonna have to watch you a few more times for practice.
  6. Snacks will be EVERYWHERE – If someone would have told me this, I would have shrugged my shoulders and said, “obviously”, but I don’t think I ever imagined the sheer amount of snacks found pretty much, everywhere.  Those Cheer.ios you gave your baby last week? Somehow, they showed up in his diaper this morning.  Those gummy snacks you gave your daughter 2 weeks ago?  At the bottom of the laundry machine fusing a sock, a t-shirt sleeve, and the insert of Mama’s nursing bra together.  I think if I picked up every snack that’s in 2 car seats, a booster seat, and the floor, I will probably accrue about 2 boxes of cereal, a pouch of goldfish, a party sized pretzel bag and enough raisins to circle the globe about 3 times.  I know that if we didn’t have money for food, we could live off of the crumbs in our car for a good 3 months.  Also, our car is somehow a sandbox.
  7. Phantom cries are a real thing – And you can get really hurt answering a “cry”. Example: I knew I was home alone, no kids anywhere to be found.  I decide, “No kids! Awesome!  I can take a long shower and tackle some of this self grooming I have long been neglecting,” and half way through said shower, our cat must have knocked something off of the table and then, crying.  Lots and lots of incessant crying.  So of course, I run out of the shower sans towel, into the living room to see what happened.  But not before I became a Gold Medal Olympian, because you see, the “slide and split” I did would have earned perfect 9’s across the board, but add in “buck naked” for difficulty and VOILA!  Hello Tokyo 2020.  If you have no kids at home before you go into the shower, chances are, there won’t be any kids at home during and after your shower, soooo….
  8. Your house/apartment/living space can dub as a daycare classroom and has the vaguest semblance of a previous life –  I know this because when my 3 tiniest kids and my niece come over, I am officially in NYS ratio. 4:1.  4 kids.  One adult.  My apartment actually IS a daycare center pretty much every day of my life.  I’ll let that sink in a little.
  9. Cleaning noses without tissues will absolutely happen – that’s right folks!  And you won’t think twice about it.  You’ll do this more times than you can count in the first 2 years of your kids lives.  And if you have twins or triplets, yeaaaaah…Might wanna consider the color of those next pair of pants when your kid has had a runny nose for a couple of days.  I have to say, I probably shouldn’t have work these black pants today…
  10. Giving toddlers choices is so awesome, and also so dumb – Every morning before daycare, I give my boys an option of what “snack” they would want with their milk (breakfast before breakfast option to keep them calm in the car on our way to daycare because I don’t have time to go home and change my pants since they’ve been crying  ” ‘nack!” for 15 minutes and there are no tissues in sight!) .  I hold up two different things.  “Would you like this (shows #1) or this (shows #2)? This or this?”  and the response is generally, and by generally I mean ALWAYS “ooohhhh dis!” and then grabbing both things!  Then of course, I get stuck remembering #5 and, why do I even bother giving them choices because it’s so damn funny!!! We leave the house, Sippy Cups filled with milk resting on laps, an apple-cinnamon rice cake in one hand and a box of raisins in the other, neither of which get eaten because hands are busy and juggling a box of raisins while trying to drink milk with a rice cake in your mouth doesn’t really work when you’re 19 months, so then of course, #6 happens.  But I can’t pick anything up because I forgot to stretch yesterday morning and went to Billy Beez and now I’m out of commission for the whole week, so that rice cake is just gonna have to sit there until a phantom cry wakes me out of my sleep reminding me that Levi is probably “crying” because he left his rice cake in the car 3 days ago!  Not that it would make a difference if I got it or not, because when he IS actually crying at 6:30am for a rice cake, he’ll remember his choice of fruit bar from 2 weeks ago and choose that instead!

Friends, being a parents is hard, hard work!

*By “seasoned parent” I mean last night, while my kids were helping me cook, they accidentally knocked Adobo all over the counter and on my hand.

…and the Living is Easy?

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July 4th, 2016

Friends,  it has been quite the summer so far!  Some things a little more major than others, but very, very busy.  Signing adoption paperwork, free concerts in the park, first family vacation sans any kind of help, meeting diblings, surgery, potty training (read:dying), amusement parks, interviews for promotions, actual promotions (!!!), planning a camping trip with 3 KIDS UNDER 2!, first time at the beach for the kids, loads of swimming, loads of working, loads of fun!

So, signing paperwork!  We are a good portion of the way to finalizing Mary’s adoption.   We went in to speak with our adoption lawyer, signed all of the various documents that all basically say, “So you’re gonna keep this kid and not give her back, right?  You get that, right?  And you are you sure?”  So we signed away, confirmed with Mary one last time that she was sure she wanted to change her last name, and that it was her choice, and that no matter WHAT name she used, she would always be out best girl, our first baby, and still our family.  She decided “Mendez” was where it’s at, and even asked if she can put it on her soccer jersey even though she wasn’t officially adopted yet.  Also, soccer?  This kid is seriously the next Brandi Chastain.  She’s fast as hell, has amazing footwork, and is so damn dedicated to being “the best I can be.  I know there’s no such thing as perfect Mama, but watch!  I’m gonna do it!”  Missed tryouts and STILL got selected for the “A” team, is starting on said “A” team, and coach called me just this morning, to let me know that he was able to get her a scholarship to go to the week of soccer camp that we couldn’t afford and that we both felt she would benefit from and agreed that it was such a shame that she couldn’t do it! Also, Christine Lily will be leading practice for the girls on the final day!!!!  I was beyond excited for this…my daughter?  “Who’s that?!?”  GASPPPP!!!!!!  Sooo, we had to google a ton of games from the 1999 Women’s World Cup.  Oh nostalgia, you’re so good to me….

Family Vacation 2016 – We decided to brave a 5 hour drive with an 8 year old (who asked “are we almost there?!?!” every 20 minutes from the second that we left the house in the whiniest voice you have ever heard!), 2 toddlers who only allowed us to listen to Raffi’s “Six Little Ducks” (also dubbed “Six Little SUCKS!”) and watch the same 23 minute and 47 second Baby Einstein Animals video on loop the ENTIRE TRIP, and an awesome chubby little 8 month old that allowed us only 6 minutes of peace and quiet before waking his sleeping brothers with a shriek and reminding his sister that “NO! We aren’t there yet, obviously, because otherwise we wouldn’t be stuck in this car listening to “Six Little SUCKS!” and a crying baby wake up the freaking dead, so please, or so help me God don’t. Ask. Me. Again!!!”, and made our way to Provincetown on the Cape in Massachusetts.    We made it, barely in one piece, unloaded the car and chucked everything into our cottage, and then loaded the kids up in the van again to meet…Diblings.  I know!!  Not only was this our first family vacation, on our own, without our parents or siblings around to help us, but also the first time we are meeting 2 of the families that we have connected with who’s children share half of the same DNA as our kids!  It was…interesting, to say the least.  We spent such little time with them (when you have 4 kids on 4 different schedules, you can’t really “make plans”) and had to leave a couple of times because of melt downs or naps or meals, but ended up meeting with one of the couples again that evening at their hotel and had a nice time talking to them and getting to know them.  The other family we met in the parking lot as we were getting our van to make our trip home.  Lovely couple.  I will say though, that we connected with one couple more than the other, and also realized that the only thing that connects us all is this random man, who made a donation, and then we randomly selected the same man to help us make our dreams come true.  Otherwise, we are all so vastly different that it was interesting to hear how we all came to the decision to use the same donor.  I will say though, the resemblance between all of our kids is uncanny!  The rest of vacation was so awesome, especially for Mary.  She got to meet another girl, who was adopted, by two moms, who’s middle name was Mary, and shared the exact same birthday!!!  Talk about the right place at the right time!  Loads of activities for every child of every age, lots of groups for parents to get information (and free childcare!), Clam Bake and Lobster Dinner, animals at the library, End of Family Week party that our kids absolutely LOVED!!!  I absolutely recommend, if possible to make it out to the Northeast and doing Family Week at least once with your kids.  You will not regret it.  Also, SHOUT OUT to the Family Equality Council for doing the damn thing!!!IMG_5359[1]IMG_5421[1]IMG_5344[1]IMG_5406[1]

Callie’s job was bought by another company and they did a whole bunch of reorganizing of positions.  To make a long story really, really, really short (it’s a pretty freaking long story!) Callie’s position was eliminated in September and she was going to just ride it out, even though they had comparable positions available.  They weren’t what she wanted and we were absolutely OK with her staying home again.  Turns out, a co-worker who’s toes she didn’t want step up must have BOMBED on her interview (even though she was super convinced that she had gotten it) at which point Callie decided she would go for it, and wouldn’t you know, she NAILED IT!?!?!?  She did y’all, and now, shes the boss, again!  Better scheduling, pay, and commute!  2 hours now has turned into 30 miuntes 3 days a week!  Also, a management position opened up at my job that I intereviewed for and should know by Monday the latest weather I got it or not.  Friends, I have to admit, it looks promising!  Still in HR, still with the same people, just more money, better benefits.  Wish me luck!

Luck with the possible new job but also with this…IMG_5505[1]IMG_5492[1]

I’m not even gonna speak on this but, send help!

First time at the beach (which they absolutely LOVED) and hanging out on Papa’s boat (Papa is also new.  Thought it would be Grandpa,  but NOPE! Papa!) IMG_5247IMG_5500[1]

Surgeries…Our home is no stranger to the blood curdling scream of a child woken up out of his sleep from the stabbing pain of an ear infection. Noah in particular has been plagued by them since he was about 9 months old. From November through June, just over 7 months, he had 6 ear infections, most double. 3 in May and June. Finally, we figured it was time to go see an ENT to see what was going on. Noah had a good amount of fluid trapped even though he had been on antibiotics for 2 weeks and was ear infection free for at least one more week. They did a test to measure the pressure and it was all off. The doctor wanted to wait 6 more week to make a final decision about what to do. In those 6 weeks we did some research, spoke to some people, tried some holistic stuff, and nothing. Went back for a follow up and no difference in the amount of fluid. We were so opposed to getting him tubes….until, until my heart broke when they did an audio/visual hearing test, and I cried my face off because my son could not hear. The 2 lowest whispers got no reinforcing singing puppets banging on light up plastic drums. No monkey laughing and banging cymbals together when Noah failed to turn his head because he didn’t hear his name whispered through the 1’x 1′ speaker in the corner. The devastation that I felt at being so adamant about not getting by poor, hearing impaired baby tubes to clear the fluid from his ears. I signed the paperwork right then, and surgery was last Thursday. Everything went great, and now, with his new titanium bionic tubes, he’s already much much clearer in his speech and he watches you more intently to see how your mouth moves. He went from saying “Yate” in the morning to saying “Jake” in the afternoon. It was unreal. He startles much easier, and since surgery has had a hard time going to sleep (maybe it’s too noisy now ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ , who knows) but otherwise, things here are great and I could never regret a decision that gives my child their best chance at life. These moms are so, so happy.    

Also, Mama is gearing up for surgery. I’ve had a lot of health issues since I was about 20, and they’ve gotten worse lately. I have tried everything I can to get my health on track for about 10 years now, but most are weight related and PCOS makes it impossible to lose a good amount of weight (and keep it off!) and finally, FINALLY, with this bomb ass insurance, am finally able to get this taken care of. I’m on track (lots of preliminary stuff) and surgery possibly in November.  So excited and so scared at the same time. 

And finally, if you have free summer concerts at local parks, make that happened! They have absolutely enriched our summer, and have also taught my kids to dance and keep time and cadence with the music and I absolutely love that!!!​


Also, how freaking cute are Human Puppy Boys?!?! Clearly rhetorical! ​


And just because…​

6 Months and So Much More…

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I can’t believe that this little guy is 6 months old! Well, 6 months, a week, and 2 days at this point, but nonetheless, 6 whole friggin months! I’m still in awe that my tiny little premature 3.9lbs baby is this chubby little wiggly, giggly, drooly thing.  It’s also interesting to think that just under a year ago, we did this TWICE over and it’s all still so new.

Austin Ryan is approximately 16lbs, you know, the “let me hold this baby while I weigh myself” strategy.  At 6 months old, adjusted age at 27 weeks or exactly 4 months and a day (which is weird how that works out!) he already weighs more than the boys did at almost a year old!  This kid can eat!  He drinks anywhere from 4-5 ounces every 2-3 hours.  The only time he doesn’t follow that schedule is when he is sleeping, but he’s not that great of a sleeper…at all.  Unlike his brothers, who by 4months were sleeping through the night, Austin is still waking up regularly every 3-4 hours.  He goes down at 8pm, then gets up just before midnight and takes another bottle, then goes down again until about 3am, and then again at around 5:30-6pm.  He’s still nursing, and we co-sleep after his 3am feeding, but we’ll get into that in a few.  I’m starting to wean (seriously sobbing here folks) and it’s really just a lot to handle right now.

We have had a few concerns with Austin’s development, so we had him evaluated by Early Intervention. As we anticipated, our suspicions were right.  Austin has a bit of a delay when it comes to his gross and fine motor skills.  He just recently (within the past 2 weeks) started holding his head up and pushing up on his hands, but still isn’t really reaching for anything since he is still heavily relying on his hands to hold him up.  He also started rolling from belly to back at about the same time.  The good thing is, cognitively, there are no concerns.  He follows objects with his eyes.  He coos and laughs.  He smiles socially.  Everything else looks pretty good, but he’ll be starting services pretty soon.  I’m scheduling a meeting with his coordinator as we speak, to try and get him started ASAP with his twice a week therapy.  Otherwise, this little guy is doing everything he needs to do.  IMG_5136

Now, breastfeeding…I’ll be honest, I don’t even know how to write about this without being in tears.  So for many reasons (which I’ll explain) I have decided to stop nursing Austin and start weening.  I’m super sad about it y’all, and haven’t stopped crying since last night when I finally made the decision.  I’ve been going back and forth about this for the past almost 2 months, since Austin went from drinking 3oz to drinking about 5oz.  So, since Austin was born, it has been quite the struggle to get my supply up.  From day one, he was taking 10cc’s of breast milk.  I was making just that.  When they were gradually increasing him in the NICU (2-5cc’s about every other day) my body was able to keep up with his needs, and I basically exclusively pumped and he was getting about 70/30 breast milk/formula until we left the hospital.  Nursing Austin those first few weeks at home were really difficult.  He was having a hard time latching and he wasn’t able to get all of the milk and properly drain my breasts, so most of my first few weeks of him being home consisted of nursing, pumping, washing pump parts and bottles, and doing it all over again.  For some strange reason, my left breast wouldn’t respond to a pump OR a baby well, so I always have to hand express the left breast, so if feeding and pumping wasn’t enough of a pain in the ass, I ALSO have to hand express! I’ve ALWAYS had to supplement with formula (almost always, 2 of his 8-10 bottles a day were formula, and I am absolutely OK with that!).  I’ve taken every herb you can think of, drank enough water to probably hydrate every person in China TWICE, and even used Domperidone as a last resort to increase my milk supply as much as possible, and even then, after all of that, I was still only pumping about 8oz a day. Not a session but A DAY, and that was a freaking good day, because on average it was closer to about 6.  IMG_5104

I gave it 6 god months and that’s not including all of the months that I did my best to try and nurse Noah and Levi.  I LOVE nursing Austin.  I adore the way he reaches for my fingers, or how he looks at me and smiles mid nurse.  I will never get enough of his big, beautiful brown eyes staring up at mine.  I don’t know how I’m going to handle this when he doesn’t nurse, AT ALL anymore, and even thinking about it is enough to make me tell me boss that I’m not feeling well, so that I can go home and throw myself onto my bed and heavily sob about it.  Nursing and pumping is such hard work, and the amount of hard work that it takes to come home after 3 30 minute pumping sessions with hardly enough milk to make one bottle is really disheartening and saddening and upsetting.  It’s frustrating that no matter what I do, I just can’t make enough milk.  And the shit is, I was totally OK with that until this past month.  I was absolutely fine with just nursing him when I was at home and diligently pumping throughout my work day, but it’s gotten to be too much for too little.  There are also other things that played a role in this.  For starters, my two big toes have pretty terrible nail fungus (all those years of playing soccer and ingrown toe nails and what have you) and the only way to correct it is to take an oral medication (which I can’t take because I’m nursing) or to pull the nails off and laser the nail bed (which they won’t do until I’m done nursing).  Also, I went to see a bariatric surgeon on Friday in order to get gastric sleeve surgery (that’s for another post entirely!) but because of the caloric intake that is required for nursing as well as the water intake, not only for myself but for milk production, it would be extremely easy for me to dehydrate if I were nursing. Those 2 things combined with the small amount that I’m producing, it just seemed like, for me, it was probably time, despite not wanting to at all.IMG_5128

I know that solid food if coming now.  I KNOW that he is getting what he needs from formula, but it breaks my damn heart to know that I won’t have all of our special cuddles, if that makes any sense.  I’m really struggling here friends.  This is a tough, sad day for me.  I’ve gone from pumping at  9, 12, and 3 at work, to 10 and 2.  Then I nurse him when I get home at 6, then I’ll nurse him again around 10, and then at 6 before we head out to daycare.  I’ll do that for the next week or so. Then I’ll take it down another 2 sessions, and we’ll go from there and re-adjust again.  And to makes matters all the more pleasant, I also started my period after almost 17 months!  Levi didn’t get approved for speech therapy because he doesn’t have a significant ENOUGH delay (he’s at a 12 month level for speech which only puts him at a 25% delay and he needs a 33% delay to get services), so that sucks because he needs it!  Noah is having tube surgery in August.  My poor baby couldn’t hear at the appointment when they did his hearing test (little drum tapping mechanical stuffed animals making noise in the corners of a room that he was supposed to look at when they turn on, and half the time he had no clue they were making noise), and of course Mama was a hot, snotty, crying mess!  Mary’s adoption may take longer than we originally anticipated because the caseworker that we have been working with for over 2 years got reassigned to a different district so we will have a new worker taking over who has to get all of her paperwork in order, and it’s just a true pain in the ass.  So basically, the past couple of days have been…days, to say the least.  Wish this mama some luck with keeping her emotions in check this week and if you don’t pray, do whatever it is that you do and send some calming, “help with this new adjustment” vibes this way.  I sure could use them…

Good thing this face helps…

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Still Reeling…

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Our community is suffering this week.  Our people are hanging their heads low, looking over their shoulders and getting where they need to go as quickly as they can.  They are also embracing each other and standing together to let the world know that this will not silence us.  This is a wake up call.  This is to let us know that there is still so much work to be done.  This still tells us that we have to continue to stand tall and stand proud and stand together.  This tells us that even in the face of danger and in the face of hatred, if we stand together, with our allies, we can begin to defeat some of the hatred in this world.  Not all of it, but a lot it.  We need to keep showing our faces and our families, and hold hands.  We, that are loud and proud, need to continue to advocate for those of us that have no voices or are scared for one reason or another to be seen and heard.  We need to continue to fight.  In the aftermath of the Orlando massacre (because really, what ELSE can it be called?!?!), it’s so  hard to look at my kids, and my wife, and know that doing NOTHING could affect them so terribly, that I refuse to be scared into a closet again.  I look at my family and know that I will not be silenced and that I will always do my the most I can and the very best I can to make sure that they are safe and taken care of.

I still don’t know how to wrap my head around everything that happened.  I still don’t even know if I have fully processed what has occurred.  I still cry when I see pictures of the victims because so many of them look like my younger brother or his ex-boyfriend (who is still a huge part of our lives and our family).  I look and see the face of my best friend, and sometimes even a future Levi, Noah, and Austin finding a place to call their own with people just like them.  It makes me sad for the parents who lost their babies, and for the LGBTQ and Latino communities, Orlando, and the world as a whole.  What a sad, sad world we live in.

Before I became a blogger, I was a spoken word artist  who wrote poem upon poem about the things that were going on in my life.  Mostly, during the times that I found myself the most depressed.  Now, in the aftermath of the Pulse tragedy, I haven’t been able to put my pen down…

 

**TRIGGER WARNING** I put myself in the shoes of the victims.  It may be hard to read.  Also, the time and cadence of this poem may be difficult to deal with.  It’s fast and broken, and jumbled…I’m assuming, it was probably the same that night…

Bodies down
Countless victims hit the ground
Music, pulsing, disorienting
We just came to have a good time
We just came to have a good time
We came to dance and live and love
And this place, this haven has been taken from us

Shots fired, shots fired
A lone stranger
Never would have thought we could be in danger
Two men kissing was all he needed as confirmation
The world would be better even if just one less

Where once we were free we are prisoners again
All due to the actions of one deranged man
Hide away, Hide away
Don’t let them see
How all of these people are just like me

Hands turned Crimson as they crawl and scratch their way free
Human lives collected meaninglessly
Mothers waiting for calls that their babies are free
Re-reading texts they’ve sent so vehemently
Praying a reply will come

Loud music on dead ears
Bright lights, closed eyes
How could a community so kind someone despise?
Dispose of despite the cries
Where do the answers lie?
Another childless parent left wondering why
Their child, their baby taken too soon

A man hiding from himself and from what’s true
Assault weapon directly in view
Run for your life
RUN FOR YOUR LIFE
Don’t worry about others and save you
My brothers, my sisters, what can I DO?
What can I do?
What can i do?

What has he done?

 

 

2 Years

On WordPress

Sharing my words with your eyes

Making friends

Being honest

Learning about this whole new life 

Adulting and documenting the journey

Cherishing this space and this outlet

2 years of thanking you for tuning in….

Asking For Help

It’s not always easy to ask for help, especially when you are the type of persons that likes to appear like they have it all together, but friends, this has been a tough couple of months.  Exhaustion plus sickness plus marital issues plus financial stuff and just general unhappiness with the outcome of certain things in my life has really gotten the best of me, and so I swallowed my pride (a bit bitter, I have to say) and reached out to find a therapist.  After having spent some time inpatient and almost 2 years completing a DBT treatment program, I’m pretty in tune and aware of when depressions waves start crashing over me.  Initially, they are lapping at my feet, but before you know it, they are over my head and washing me out to sea.  Before it got that bad, I called my insurance company, found a provider near me, called for a phone consultation where it felt like a pretty good fit, and last Tuesday night had my first session. Last night was my second.

See, the thing is that I’m at a place in my life where I have pretty much all the things that I want.  I have a beautiful wife that I love so, so much.  I have 4 amazing and wonderful children who take up so much time but also fill my heart with so much love.  I have family and friends that make my life so much easier and so much better and so much fuller.  I also have this internet community that more often than not, is a great source of comfort and relief, assurance, honesty, and friendship.  Somehow though, there is still…stuff. I mean, I didn’t expect 4 kids to be easy, so when the 4 kids came, it wasn’t that huge of an adjustment.  My parents had 5 kids, and I grew up in a small space that was kinda cramped with so many people, but that made my life all the better.  I wasn’t too badly disillusioned when 4 kids came…with stuff (lots and lots of stuff), and when they took up a lot of space, and when they cried all night and didn’t sleep, and when they puked all over my house, and when they drained my bank account.  It was all pretty expected actually having seen what my life was like growing up, but being a parent brings up things from when you were younger and how your parents parented you, and I think with some of that stuff coming to the forefront and it’s really starting to bother me.  I won’t get into the nitty gritty of it, but I find myself doing certain things that my parents did that growing up I thought were unfair or just straight up wrong.  When I catch glimpses of that person, I get really frustrated and upset with myself.

The whole “exhaustion and sickness” thing is to be expected when you have kids in school and daycare, but when you have FOUR kids and they are on a “sickness rotation” and it seems like the second one gets better another gets sick, it gets to a point where you just break down and cry, screaming to the Health Gods, “PLEASE MAKE MY BABIES UNSICK!!!” You ugly cry, snot running down your face, and you just pray and hope and do all the things you can to get the sickness out, but you’re already defeated!  You’ve thrown your hands up and surrender to the fact, that it may just not get better for a long time.  And that’s really depressing, because what loving parent is ok with seeing their babies sick indefinitely? Friends, it be’s like that some days…

Financial stuff?!  Well, you would think that two women who work pretty decent jobs, that have a combined 6 figure income would be able to get out of debt (it’s not much I swear!), get their lives together, buy a house that can actually fit 6 people comfortably, finally plan a freaking wedding and be able to take at least a small vacation once a year, right?!  Yeah, that’s not happening here!  Why?!  Because I am the absolute WORST at money.  Because money not only burns a whole in my pocket, but it sets my whole outfit ablaze!  Because I was never taught to save for things or given a bank account when I was younger.  Because my parents made me work so I could give them money to help pay the bills that helped them raise 5 kids, and ended up blowing the $50 that I had left at the end of the week because the other $500 were taken from me, and there ya have it!  Money and I?  We ain’t cool no more, and I doubt we will be for a long ass time, because it’s causing me so much stress and so much sadness, because I want to DO but I can’t financially, and it’s making me wish for other things that I should have done to help stack my bank account, and finishing college is one of those things, but I don’t even have the mental capacity to go there right now.

And finally, the one that is affecting me the most is the marital stuff.  I don’t normally come on here to vent or to rant about the bullshit stuff that goes on in my marriage, because honestly, all of this stuff will be water under the bridge in a few days time, so really, whats the point?  But lately, some of this stuff has gotten so bad, that I’ve threatened divorce and moving out and couch sleeping, and just lots of things have been said (and sometimes done) when I reach that ultimate point of “I CAN’T TAKE THIS SHIT ANYMORE AND YOU ARE BEING SUCH AN ASSHOLE!”  And I’ll admit, sometimes in the heat of the moment I just might come out of my face and call my wife some things that I’m not proud of (a “fucking bitch” or the dreaded “c” word have in fact escaped my lips before and I’m not proud of it, believe me!) but sometimes it just feels like she is working against me and not with me, and that makes an already exhausting and taxing and hard situation/day 10x’s worse. Usually an argument escalates when one of us feels like that other isn’t doing their part, and I know my wife will vibrantly disagree with the following statement but I always do so much more than her.

We get home at 6pm, one of us cooks dinner or we have left overs, then everyone eats while I nurse Austin, then I give the boys a bath while Callie half ass cleans the kitchen, then I put them to bed while she sits on the couch and plays with Austin and her phone.  Then I clean the rest of the mess in the kitchen (is there this new thing where loading the dishwasher and wiping the counters is considered cleaning the kitchen?!?!?), if she hasn’t already done it I’ll clean the highchairs, and then I’ll clean the rest of the living room, sweep and mop the bathroom, living room, dining room and kitchen, throw out the garbage and FINALLY I am able to sit down just in time to nurse Austin again.  I mean, don’t get me wrong, she helps a bit, but according to her it’s never up to my standards so she doesn’t try very hard because I’m not easy to please and I’m going to do it over again anyway so why bother! Um, because you do it half assed and I HAVE to do it again any way!  And this is leading to so much friction in our lives, that after our kids go to bed at about 7:30, we barely talk to each other.  Pair all of that and the feels of being a quasi-solo parent to the situation with her hoarder tendencies, and you have a serious recipe for disaster.  I mean, I haven’t been able to clean our bedroom in 3 months because there is so much shit piled up on the floor on Callie’s side that it’s impossible to even get around to the other side of the bed to tidy up.  When I tell you that there is about half an inch of dust in my bedroom right now, I’m not even close to exaggerating even though I really wish I was.  So yesterday morning, I opened my eyes and was completely overwhelmed with the mess and scream, “You know Callie!  This is some fucking bullshit! Wake up, and the first fucking thing I see, is you, eating fucking BREAKFAST in the goddamned bathroom that hasn’t been cleaned in fucking forever because God fucking forbid you take some fucking initiative and do some fucking cleaning in this stupid ass apartment, so a big fucking thank you for ruining my day the SECOND I open my eyes!”

Guys, it was bad.  Really fucking bad!  And the fighting and the anxiety and the mess and the stress and the depression, so finally a therapist.  I’m getting help guys, for my anger because one of these days, I’m gonna snap.  But Callie thinks I’m the only one that needs it.  She doesn’t think she needs individual therapy, only couples therapy so that the therapist can tell me how wrong I am and how right she is, even though, no!  We are both wrong, we are both right, and she could absolutely help me more instead of checking out after 8pm because she is “so tired”.  We’re both fucking tired, hanging on to dear life most days, but yet having to make it work.    I had to get this off of my chest, and sorry for the unusual negative energy/post, but ugh!  The level of resentment and dissatisfaction with my wife if really bringing me down, and I don’t want to feel that way anymore.  I want to love her unconditionally and lately it feels like, “if she…then I would…” and that doesn’t feel unconditional AT ALL.  Nonetheless, I’ll continue to work on me in the months to come and hope this all clears itself up.  Hopefully my house will be a little neater, cleaner, and less cluttered too.

 

P.S.  While I was writing this, I was simultaneously getting quotes for wedding venues in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico.  See, I freaking love her, but she makes me so damn crazy….