When Callie and I decided to become parents, we went back and forth about how many children each of us wanted. I was easily talked off the “19 Kids and Counting” ledge, and I tried my best to help Callie creep a little closer to the “Maybe Brady” mentality. We met somewhere in the middle of my ideal family of 7 kids and 2 moms and her “I hated being 2 kids so 3 is more my speed”, and settled on 5. Until we had 4!!! I swear to you, about 6 hours from our youngest being born, our thoughts became audible when a massive “FUUUUUUUUCCCCKKKK THAT” could be heard in our hospital room when someone had the audacity to ask us if we were thinking of having more. Or maybe we just imagined that! Who knows! We were delirious.
We’ve gone back and forth several times about the subject of baby #5. Some weeks (when we are totally head over heels again and find that cute little pocket of “how we used to be when we first met”), we are ALL OVER baby #5, but I’d be lying if I didn’t say that our relationship has been, well…”going through it” right now. I haven’t really talked about this in depth, but Callie and I have been going to therapy bi-weekly because things have been less than stellar at home. My wife is a
hoarder collector of things (diagnosed or not!) and it is a HUGE source of contention in our house/relationship/family life. I grew up in a house that was immaculate. No, I’m serious! Like, NOT normal immaculate, so I’ll give Callie that one. But she also grew up in a house where I had no idea there was a dinner table because it was literally a mountain of CRAP (still is!) in the middle of the dining room. A space where you have to shimmy down the hall to get to the bathroom (which also, I refuse to use…you get where I’m going with this!). Totally not normal either! I just want to live somewhere in the middle, and that has become increasingly difficult because now she is not just hoarding accumulating things for herself, she is also hoarding amassing everything that belongs to the other 4 members of our household. Good thing is, things are getting better, communication has been WAY more effective, and we’ve been able to find more middle ground about all of the totally useless shit Callie’s “valuables”. Most of the past 6 months have been a lot of working on communicating, finding middle ground/compromise, and learning how to bend and give in sometimes. We’re not perfect (wellllllllllllllllllllllll…. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ ) but we’re working on being good spouses which I think got a little lost somewhere in the chaos of 3 under 3, and a moody, likely hormonal, premenstrual Pre-teen! (SEND HELP!)
So the prospect of my already so loved 5th child has been dwindling because of, well, life, and I have to admit, it stings a little. Sometimes it feels like 4 is just the perfect amount of kids, and sometimes I do headcounts in my head when we go out and I automatically say “…4 ANNNNDDDD 5!” without really thinking about it, and suddenly my heart gets so sad about Littlest Mendez possibly being a figment of my imagination. As I’ve been stewing over this (im)possible decision and life change, and also grappling with the craziness that is OUR LIVES ALREADY, I decided, “You know what?! Now isn’t really the time. Maybe it’s NEVER really gonna be the time. We are so busy with the 4 we have already. Activities are expensive! Time and efforts are already spread so thin. GROCERIES! Individually dedicated time is hard enough with FOUR let alone five! Now isn’t the time!”
And no sooner do I utter those words, do I get a phone call:
“Hello Mrs. Mendez! This is Ms. S from the Resource Unit at ::Government Agency:: We have a 7 month old little boy that has been sitting in the Pediatric Unit since 10 am (currently 4:45pm) and we haven’t been able to find placement for him. Would you and Mrs. Mendez be interested in caring for him?”
“I’ll let you speak to her, and then you can give me a call back and decide. He’s such a good baby. Severely neglected, head is very flat, has no muscle control, and can’t sit up or hold his bottle yet, but he is so oblivious and won’t stop smiling and laughing. He has blue eyes and dirty blonde curly hair. If she has any questions, have her call me and I can give her more info! Even if it’s just temporary for a few days until we find a permanent placement, he needs somewhere desperately!”
“Ummmm….ummmmm…ummmm…ummmm, sure! I’ll call her! Let me get back to you!”
I give Callie a call, but she already knew what was going on. She had already heard the voicemail because apparently the worker had called her first. Callie of course had her reservations becuase FIVE KIDS with 4 UNDER 4, but she called and had a few more questions answered about the biological family, the conditions he was found in, if they have any immediate concerns and things like that. (SB: Callie is MUCH MUCH better at the “nosy neighbor” thing than I am. She can formulate about 100 questions before I can think of just ONE!) After speaking to the worker, Callie called me back to let me know what she thought, and she thought a hell of a lot of stuff. We talked about our concerns, our hopes, our reservations, our interest in investing time and energy into an infant that likely has some developmental and emotional delays. But one thing sealed the deal.
His name. This past year, I have begun to restore my faith in Something bigger than me. And before Callie and I had spoken, I asked the Universe and God to send me a sign and let us know what to do. When Callie told me his name, I knew! My heart, OUR hearts knew! His name was the same name that Callie and I spent my entire pregnancy arguing about. She wanted to name Austin, well, Austin, and I wanted a different name. A 4 letter name to match Levi and Noah, but she wasn’t having it! When they told us that the baby had the name that I so desperately wanted for our youngest son, Callie and I looked each other in the eyes and knew. We just knew he had to be with our family, albeit temporary, but we have to see what this “5 kids” thing is about.
So, at 6:15pm Wednesday 8/23/17, just over a week ago, Little R joined the Mendez’s. He is a smiley boy, with big expressive blue eyes, adorable puffy little lips, and this tuft of wiry dirty blond hair. He was kept in a car seat most of the time, so even when you pick him up, his little legs stay in a sitting position, and his head really issssss super flat, so we’ve been avoiding putting him down if we can (get those back and neck muscles strong), offering super cuddle puddles with ALLLLLL the kids (because from what we understand there wasn’t a lot of interaction or human contact for him), singing to him, rocking him, and giving him LOADS of tummy time. Even the teachers say they see a pretty significant improvement from last week! Guys, I have to say, this baby is a dream! He is the least trouble of all of the kids, sleeps from 6:30pm to 6:30am without waking up, and even when he is tired or hungry, it’s two little cries and wait. That simultaneously makes me really happy (YAS!!! No crying infants!) but also really sad (did no one ever come to this crying infant that he doesn’t even bother!?!)
So, at least for now, we are a family of seven. Two ladies who lost their damn minds, a prepubescent almost 10 year old daughter (LORDT, help us!), 3 toddlers (enough said!), and an infant who couldn’t have been a better addition to our family!
I got goosebumps reading this. It’s amazing and so wonderful what you and your wife are doing and it sounds like it was meant to be! I’m the extremely tidy half of my relationship and my wife is the messy one (although not a hoarder but definitely leaves all her stuff laying all around). It probably took me 7 years out of the 10 we’ve been together for me to finally realize we have different perspectives of what’s important to us and now I just silently go through the house tidying it up when I get home to undo her morning chaos rather than continuously nagging and arguing with her about it. Communication and finding the right balance of what’s important is huge! Good luck on the new adventure of adding the 5th little one (and navigating pre-teen years 🙂 )
Thanks! The pre-teen stuff though! Good grief! If this is how it starts, lets just fast forward to her graduating high school because….I CANT! And my wife and I, in every sense, total opposites. I try and tiptoe aroudn the mess but MY WORD is it a lot! And anyone who has been to my house (Chime in Nikki cause I know your reading this!) knows the madness! It’s literally the ONLY thing that I just really can’t compromise on, but also, OCD so, ya know! LOL!
I love you guys so much.
Feelings mutual, friend….
Oh, this was DEFINITELY meant to be. It breaks my heart to imagine what he’s gone through or how he hadn’t experienced love – he’s in the BEST place to get attention and love in your home. Good luck on these adventures! You guys are amazing!
He is already so, so loved! First thing Noah does in the morning is storm into our bedroom, stick his hand in the crib, rubs Lil’ R’s arm saying, “Good morning Baby R! Mama, that’s my baby R!” SO much love for this little one! Thanks friend!
I wish I could like this post 1000 times. You are such a beautiful person and you have a beautiful family. The sadness over this baby boy’s neglect is totally overshadowed by the love you are going to give him. I guess now IS the time!
IT couldn’t be a better time! New house, Callie’s promotion, potty trained Noah, two minutes from my mom, my sister, and my other sister! The time couldn’t have been more perfect than right now! Perfect is a tough word for me, but this is pretty damn close.
This is amazing and so are you all. That little guy is right where he needs to be for however long that may be. Wishing you all the love that there is!
Thanks, friend! Miss seeing your family now that I haven’t been on FB in about a year. Hope you all are well!
Wow! This is so amazing! My heart broke when you said he doesn’t really cry, but I know you will show him all the love in the world. You said temporary, but could it become permanent?
Could totally be permanent. In fact, right after i posted this, the baby’s attorney called to ask me if we would consider permanency, since apparently this case is “a complicated mess we’ve been monitoring for years”, so we’re always ready for either thing…
🙂 🙂 🙂 So excited for you – and the baby too!
Should be good! Thanks, friend!
So, our kids are almost grown. 9th and 10th grade this year. J and I have talked about having another and then we decided we loved our alone time. Immediately after reading your post, I told J that You changed my mind again. ☺️ So happy for you and so thankful the little one has a loving family now.
Wow! You’ll have college kids before you know it! Seems so far away, but it feels like just yesterday Mariah was in kindergarten and she’s on her way to middle school next year! Yikes!
This is totally my favorite news today!
Except for Shawni and Cade’s baby. Ok. It’s a tie.
Hahah! I know! I was all, “Yassss! New baby for you too! SWEET!!!!” Lol!
You two are so amazing! Even in the middle of all the chaos you put yourselves out there for this sweet soul! How lucky is he! Sending all my love and support (because 4 under 4…Jesus!) xoxoxo
Thank you! And that’s 4 under 3, who I sounds even freaking crazier! Lol!
ugh I just love you guys, this is just beautiful!
Also that second paragraph about hoarding was classically written! LOL I totally understand.
I love that story 😊 Love you guys!
I love it! I have similar feelings about having a fourth baby. On one hand 3 feels perfect, and we are done with bottles/diapers/two naps/teething which is really really nice. On the other hand, I feel like we are missing someone when I do the head count or set up our quarterly weekend getaways. After some discussion with the wife, we are just waiting on the call from the social worker…
You ladies are amazing and inspirational on so many levels. R is a lucky little boy.
Gah! Huge news! I can’t wait to hear how things go with this little precious addition. Love on that little guy hard!
Also Em and I have been going to biweekly therapy forever and find it so helpful in just keeping us connected and even just forcing that little bit of time to focus on our relationship rather than momming, work, etc. It’s all about trying to understand each others’ blueprints for relationships and life!
Ugly crying. Ya’ll are seriously the best. 😭😭😭❤️❤️❤️
Oh wow. Wow. I’m not one for fate and destiny, but…the universe has its eye on you, doesn’t it?
And, lest it get lost in the excitement of toddlers, tweens, and tinies, props to you for doing the hard stuff in relation to your marriage.
I love this post. I am so, so glad that you and Callie were there for R and he was there for you. You are a family of superheroes.
❤❤❤ I so knew where this was going. All the best friend!!
Yay! You know that I’m still catching up on posts? I follow you on Instagram so I’m not totally out the loop. What an amazing testament to the wonderful people you and your wife are. Such loving parents and I know this boy is blessed even for a short time with you, your wife and the kids.