Some days are hard. Some days are harder than that! But every day I put one foot in front of the other, go through the motions because my kids deserve the best I have to offer them.
Some days I wanna throw in the towels (yes, plural, because I have so much shit going on, one towel wouldn’t be enough!), grab a pack and some snacks, and hike the Appalachian trail and not come back home until my head is clear, my feet are blistered, and I’m forced to stay in one place or risk losing my feet for good!
Some days, relationship and wife-ing stuff gets so loaded and so crazy, that I wonder what the eff I was thinking ever WANTING, let alone thinking about doing this “adulting, married wth kids” thing.
Sometimes, there isn’t enough money, enough food, too many poopy diapers, and mountains of laundry I’ve conquered that would have made Everest look like a kids old school wooden climbing structure.
Some days, the darkness of my bedroom and the closed in feeling of the walls against my thoughts is all I long for. A silent retreat inside myself, where I know a lot of the answers dwell, but who in the damn hell has any time for that!?!?
But today, is not “some days”, but today makes me recognize that “some days” are all I need to see the beauty in my life. Today, I complained about having to get up super early because I had to drop the kids off to daycare despite having a day off. “I take days off so I can spend time by my freaking self! GRRRRRR,” I yell at my sick wife, who just so happens to get sick EVERY FREAKING TIME it’s my day off (not that I don’t love my wife and want to spend time with her but also like, self care and whatnot!) . I was pissy, sure. I was annoyed even…Irate? Perhaps…but then walking outside, after I begrudgingly get them all dressed for school, I see the joy and the wonder in their eyes at seeing the snow fall for the second time ever!
Noah’s eyes darted across the sidewalk as he yelled, “WOAHHHHH! Mamaaaa! It’s! ‘no! It’s ‘no!” Levi squealed as he skipped down the street, trying to catch the flakes as they moved in time and cadence with their laughter and giggles. Austin opened his mouth wide, and it was then that I noticed the little nubbins of the two new teeth that are coming in.
These simple little joys. These constant reminders that there is so much to surrender to, including the nuisances of every day parenting. A reminder that every situation, no matter how bleak, has a silver lining. That even when we are our most annoyed, upset, frustrated, desolate, angry, there is something that will always bring a little shine, a little sparkle to your life.
And despite parenting with all my might, I fall into the trap of “I wish things could be different. I shouldn’t have had so many kids. I should have went to college. Why do I even clean? Why do I…? Why did I…?! How could I…?!?”. But today, for the first time, I really recognized my ability to change the outcome of my day. I had to wake up early on my day off?! Worst thing that happened today!