Today, I am 7 week along. Who would have thought. I’ve been hesitant to take bump pics because 1) What bump?! 2) I have YET to think of something as fun and creative as the weekly updates I did for Callie and 3) I’ve been overweight my whole life and really, the only thing you are going to see is my muffin top over my jeans! I know that it won’t be like that through the whole pregnancy, and that I will DEFINITELY think of something to document the changes that my body is going through, but it just seems that right now it’s a little silly to take pictures, but I will, because otherwise in a few months, I’ll be angry with myself that I won’t have anything to use for comparison. So tonight, I’ll take one, at some point!
Symptom wise, nothing has changed since yesterday, so really nothing to update there. I will say though, progesterone suppositories suck, in case I didn’t day that yesterday, and if I did, I just want to reiterate. Along with this pregnancy though, I’ve noticed that my anxiety has kind of been increasing. I’m not naturally a negative person, at all, and I’m still not, but I find myself worrying about things that I didn’t necessarily worry about during Callie’s pregnancy. I worry about when we have sex ( I have been BEYOND randy, which is so out of the norm for 1st trimester) and hurting the baby, even though I know that it’s totally ludicrous! I have noticed though, that I have started ritualizing quite a bit. This requires a bit of a back story, but I’ll give you the short of it for those of you who don’t know…. A few years ago, I was admitted to a psychiatric hospital, mainly for a pretty serious suicide attempt, but also because of the inability to function do to my pretty sever OCD. And I don’t mean OCD that people talk about when they are really organized or the type of OCD that people throw around loosely when they describe their inability to see much mess around. I’m talking about debilitating, I can’t leave my house, clinically diagnosed, exposure therapy OCD. I spent 2 months inpatient and 2 years outpatient, 8-3 at a DBT program. My OCD manifested in very “strange” rituals. It wasn’t just about checking the stove 10 times before leaving, or locking and unlocking and relocking the door for 15 minutes before being able to go, going to the car, it not feeling right and spending another 10-15 minutes doing it again. It wasn’t about washing the same dish 5 times to make sure it was clean (every single dish in the sink!), all of which I did SOMETIMES and are acutally pretty common in people with “true OCD. My OCD manifested in constant obsessive thoughts that would snowball, multiples of 4, and tapping. The tapping was the worst. Sometimes, things didn’t feel right if I didn’t tap them multiple times. The worst of the tapping started happening when I couldn’t enter a door without touching the open side top corner before I could walk through. If I couldn’t reach the top of the door, well, then I just wasn’t going in and had to find an alternate entrance. This presented a problem sometimes, as at the time, I was working for my ex-wife and the Department of Buildings in NYC had doors about 15 feet high. It was just terrible, so I would pay other people to do the work for me while I sat outside smoking cigarettes for a few hours. I would do it at my friend Marco’s house and he would even try and distract me and try and get me not to do it, and it would cause such severe anxiety that my heart would palpitate and within seconds, I was at the door, tapping the corner, and relief would just over me.
There was also the multiples of 4 thing. If I was walking down the stairs and it wouldn’t end in a multiple of 4, I would have to take a certain amount of steps back in order to make sure that it was a multiple of 4. This happened with everything I did. Sometimes I would take the elevator a floor higher than I needed to and walk down. I would (un)consciously count my steps to 20, and would take smaller steps or larger steps to make sure that when I got to the door (to touch the corner OBVIOUSLY!) it was a multiple of 4. My dinner plate could only have 3 things on it, and if it didn’t, I wouldn’t eat until it did. When I first got to the hospital, the served 3 things on your plate everyday, and my mother, knowing I wouldn’t eat, visited me everyday, and brought me food with 4 things on it. Never more, never less. She would even bring me 4 snacks to last me until the next day, or 4 juice boxes, or 4 books, or 4 puzzles, 4 picks for my guitar, or 4 pencils for my crosswords. It was pretty bad. The reason I’m saying all of this is that this morning, I noticed that when I put on my deodorant, I had swipe 12 times under each arm. I tried to swipe one more, and it was like some unknown force was like, “NO WAY LADY! You better NOT!” When I walked to the kitchen I counted 23 steps, and took one more tiny baby step (making it 24) in order to cross the threshold and step into the kitchen. I took a 4 second sip of juice (yes, right out of the container! SUE ME!) and proceeded to do it again. I noticed it, but not really, if that makes sense. I knew I was doing it, but I couldn’t stop it. Then I dug really deep and made a conscious effort to grab my bag, take 14 steps to the door (not sure if that counts because technically there is a number 4 in it ) and walked out. SItting on the train, to my commute in, I did some mindful breathing and really asked myself what was going on.
The answer? I think that I feel like this pregnancy is something I can’t control, and rightfully so. Ok, so we have a heart beat! GREAT!!! No really! It’s amazing! But so quickly it can go from healthy growing baby with a beating heart, to 12 weeks along, but not really, because there is an 8 week old with no flicker and that is just so scary. I think that knowing that no matter what I do, it’s really out of my hands is causing some (pretty intense) anxiety. But I’m working through it, and I recognize it, and I’m aware, and I’m diligently working on it. I’m even trying to make sure that the amount of paragraphs in this post aren’t a multiple of 4, because I am so inclined to make it so! But I won’t, because I know, that nothing is going to happen if I DON’T do it. That was the biggest thing I learned about exposure therapy. That no matter how many times I walked through the door without tapping the corner, no matter how many times I didn’t do something related to the number 4, NOTHING. BAD. HAPPENED. At least nothing bad that wasn’t going to happen whether I did those things or not! So, I’m doing my best to really be cognizant of these actions, and so far, today, has been pretty good.
And A WHOLE 6 MONTHS!!! My baby boys are 6 months old tomorrow. A half a year! Where does the time go!?!?!
These guys are just so awesome!
My little active baby. This kid has a set of lungs on him like you would not believe. He’s gonna be my singer. He loves to use his voice, especially at around 6:30am, and the best thing? It’s super deep and raspy. He’s going to be a crooner, I just know it. He has figured out how to get his legs underneath him and get into a crawling position, but he just can’t figure out the crawling and BOY does he get pissy about it. He loves to be in his doorway kangaroo bouncer, and he especially loves climbing all over his moms. He answers back when you tell him, “I don’t think so mister”, and he really enjoys looking at his brother and having conversations with him. I have yet to catch this on video because every time they see the camera, they look at me and smile, as if I’m not privy to their little intimate moment. He has learned to flip over while on the changing table (not fun!) and can almost get his toes into his mouth. He’s eating solid food but is still pretty particular about tastes and consitancy and just started eating puffs and NumNums which he really enjoys. He’s obsessed with the TV, be it the news, cartoons, or Master Chef, and it’s hard to tear him away. He actually pushes our hands away while we are feeding him so he can get a better look! He is crazy about splashing in the water, and he loves his big sister. They are best buds. He absolutely HATES being restrained, whether it be the car seat or the highchair. He’s a real charmer this guys, and has plenty of lady admirers…
This guy! What a ham! He loves the camera and he loves to laugh. He can be found smiling and pretty much anyone and anything! He’s my little musician, found most of the time playing the piano ONE HANDED! Apparently, he thinks he’s a pro. He still hates tummy time, but will do whatever he can to try and stand up. He’s gonna skip crawling, I promise you, and go straight to walking. Psssh! Probably straight to running! This guys eats like a champ. If there is something in his reach that he can eat, he’s going for it. He’s a lot more adventurous with his food than his brother, even loving to eat some Fluke! He’s more likely to cry, but soothed a lot easier. He’s the better sleeper of the two and that’s all I’m going to say about that! He doesn’t like the water much except for bath time, and he is not as aware of things around him. He loves being cuddled and it seems like he has actually started giving hugs! He’s a lot more cautious than Noah and takes his time when it comes to figuring things out and exploring. He laughs at his brother constantly! He’s the true definition of Mama’s boy, and he loves the kitty. Like seriously, he’s always spinning his head around looking for her. He’s a fun kid, and his ginger hair makes me day every day (which by the way is lightening thanks to the sun, and some of his little freckles are coming in!)
I’m not sure what they weight, but I’m almost certain they are well into the 17lb range. We won’t know until their appointment next week, but I’m sure that they are almost caught up with babies their same age. I love these darn kids so much, and I can’t wait to celebrate their half birthday tomorrow, out on the boat with Grandma and Pop, cutting a little cake, and have them have their first real taste of sugar! I hope I don’t live to regret that!
Have a great weekend everyone!