FET For Me

Callie and I have always known that we wanted a big family.  5 children is our ideal.  She always knew that she wanted to carry, and even after having to be on bed rest for a little less than half of her pregnancy, she can’t wait to feel a baby moving around inside of her again.  I, on the other hand, didn’t really feel that maternal need to carry until I was probably 25 or 26.  It was all cool and dandy to have babies, but only if my partner was having them.  I was more than prepared to be the other parent, and not giving birth to them was just fine by me!

I have always struggled with my gender identity and gender expression.  There are many times in my life (like when I was in my late teens and early 20’s) when I tried my hardest to pass as a boy.  I would bind my chest (2 ace bandages and a compression shirt, tight undershirt and then whatever I was wearing), got short haircuts or my hair braided, and tried to find “casual encounters” on Craigslist where I would post ads in “W4W” but explain that I was to be seen as a “boi” and would act like one (read: I would bring my favorite “attachment”).  I never wanted to be pregnant, mainly because I didn’t want people to see me as any less masculine.  Lots of the time I don’t even tell people my real name (which is super pretty and feminine) for fear that it just sounded weird and didn’t go well with my personality or appearance.  During the two years that I worked really hard on myself, I realized that I had to let go of some of those things that were plaguing me.  That there were things in my life that I would be really sad about if I didn’t get to experience them myself, no matter what gender I felt that I associated with.  One of those things was pregnancy.  I don’t know where my life is going to take me a few years from now, or what will happen in the future, but I do know, that I would be really sad if I weren’t able to carry at least one child.  PCOS, Uterine Fibroids, and Breast Cancer are things that are very common with the women in my family.  My mother had both a hysterectomy when she was in her late 30’s from fibroids so bad that they NEEDED to remove everything as there was no saving anything, and a double mastectomy from the cancer.  Thank goodness that she is very well now, but the fact that 2 of my mothers 3 sisters also experienced the same fate within a few months of each other, makes me fearful that it’s now or never.

After much talking, assessing our financial situation, considering how Mary’s adoption would/could play out and affect our family, age, potential medical issues, our ideal age gap between children, and if emotionally we were both ready to take on any other challenges, we decided that, YES!  We are going to have another baby!!!  We’re crazy, I know!!!! After having spent almost $25,000 trying to get pregnant the first time, having our savings account dwindle almost down to nothing since Callie has been home for almost 7 months now, two infants and a 7 year old, you would think that having more children would be the last thing that we wanted to do, but no! It’s not.  It keeps sneaking to the forefront of all of our thoughts, conversations and other decisions.  Planning our vacation, “Put what if we’re pregnant then?”  Making plans for a friends wedding in May 2016, “But what if we’re pregnant then?” Making sushi dinner plans with friends, “BUt what if we’re pregnant then?!?!”  It doesn’t go away! We’re gonna get a lot of shit from our parents, for sure.  And we might be making a not-so-smart choice, but we can’t help but feel like this is the right thing for us to do. The right thing for our family.  So on Monday afternoon, we will go for a consultation with our RE to find out what the next steps would be for me to do a Frozen Embryo Transfer with one of Callie’s frozen embies.  Not sure how PCOS plays a role in transfers, so I’ll be googling my life away at work this week.

I have to admit, I’m scared outta my mind, but so excited about what could potentially happen in a months time.  Hopefully, by my birthday on the first day of summer, I’ll be able to share some good news…it’s not often a lesbian gets to say, “I’m pregnant with my wife’s baby!”  Can’t wait!

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46 thoughts on “FET For Me

  1. I was so worried when you password protected this post, but now I’m just excited for you!! I love that you are able to jump into growing your family now when you are body is able! And I think it’s so cute that you will be carrying your wife’s baby! Yes, you will hear some people say you are making the not-so-smart choice, but honestly, no matter what you do in life there will always be those who disagree with your decisions. And more importantly it sounds like you guys have your heads screwed on right and you are making the right choice! I am so excited for you and your entire family!! 🙂

    • Thank you friend! You’re encouraging words are the reason that I wanted to put this out here and into the universe this way, and not so much tell people that we KNOW know…people will always have something to say…we’re excited…crazy but excited!

  2. I am so excited for you. You guys are absolutely insane, but in the best kind of way. My FET was pretty simple, but they also knew my body pretty well at that point. I’m so anxious to see what they say! It’s finally time for you to have your turn in the stirrups! Yay!

    I think the naysayers are part of the reason why it sucks so much to be a lesbian and for everyone to know that every one of our pregnancies is SO damn deliberate. It feels like people would be less judgy of how many kids you have and when you have then if you could just say, “whoops” with a shrug and leave it at that.

    So my big question for you is this: How many embryos are you thinking about transferring?????

    • The “oops” factor is the thing that we always talk about…like, what would they say, if OOPS, we ended up pregnant…they would say, “well, you just have to suck it up and deal”, and so there goes that…and UMMM are you crazy!!! Just one!!!! I do not even know what we would do if that one split and we ended up with two more…i was even scared to write that for fear that it would go out into the Universe and actually happen! Only one!!! There are 7 embryos left, so if that one doesn’t take, we will do 3 cycles all together, and then just let Callie carry again…but more than 1 scares the hell outta me!

  3. Good for you! I too was worried this protected post had something to do with Mary. Only the two of you know what your family is capable of and you will make the best decisions for you. Of course people will have negative opinions but don’t they about a lot of things?! UGH! I am happy for you and will be looking forward to more password protected posts on updates until you let the world in on your news.

    Oh and P.S. Very happy to hear your mom is a survivor! That is awesome. My mom is a survisor as well.

    • Thanks! I will admit though, I am freaking out a little bit about what my parents reaction is gonna be…no doubt they will be excited about another grandbaby, but I’m almost certain that they will also yell at us, in a nice way of course..LOL!

  4. Eek!! How exciting! Some of the best advice I ever got about the timing of having kids was that if you keep waiting for the “right” time, you may be waiting forever.

    Also, if you’re interested, there’s this great and funny podcast episode – “How to be a pregnant butch.”

    • It’s funny because Callie’s mom was the one that kept saying to us that if you keep waiting it’ll never happen because you’ll never be 100% ready, so we just went with it…she said, no matter what, even when things are at their worst, you make it work…so here we go on another journey! I’m gonna def have to check out that podcast…

  5. What what? I love how y’all are ready to begin again. I was that way as well and people thought I was nutso. But even cooler than it will be you this time. I just love it and wish you all the best. You two can exchange war stories about the process. So exciting!!! I wish I too could grow my family but my old ass isn’t producing anything worth sticking around. If I could, I’d have 10!

    • 10 would be so freaking awesome!!! Alas, our funds will only strech so far, so 5 it’s gonna have to be..that’s what we’ve always wanted anyway…and we always knew we wanted them back to back…and I’m really looking forward to sharing stories with Callie..its going to be totally different because of the whole twin thing, but I bet it’ll be really similar….so excited! But freaking out a little bit!

  6. That’s super awesome! People always seem to have opinions about child spacing, and heck, pretty much everything else to do with having and raising kids, but if it feels right for your family, then it is! Hope the PCOS isn’t an issue and that everything goes smoothly.

    My partner (who is carrying) is pretty androgynous, and because of that I think some people were surprised that she is the one who got pregnant. But surprisingly, all of her bodily changes have brought more wonder than angst (uh, except of all the nausea). I think she looks amazing, and to me she looks like her regular androgynous self, except pregnant. Luckily she has me to alter maternity clothes for her 😉

    • Most people are really surprised that I wanted to carry. And i know that everyone will have their opinion, and to be honest the only ones I care about (even though they wouldn’t make us change our decision) is the scolding that we are going to get from our parents…that’s sort of inevitable…we went from 0 kids to 3 kids in a year, and 4 in less than 2..so they are gonna let us hear it, but ultimately support whatever decision we make because, well, parents! I bet your wife looks awesome!!! And yes for altering her clothes…if only Callie were a little craftier…LOL!

  7. This is very exciting news and so happy that your doing what your heart desires. You and Callie are amazing parents and Im positive it will work. Can’t wait to read more about it!!

  8. HOLY SMOKES! I’m so excited for you all! I’ve been through some similar stuff. I’ve often passed for a boy, both intentionally and not over the years. I didn’t really know if I ever wanted to carry, and then when it worked out, well, now I can honestly say it is the best thing I’ve done in my life. I’d even do it again if I weren’t married to L, who may be the most excited person I’ve ever known about being pregnant (and who will be totally adorable when she is!). That said, being pregnant/now nursing has been the longest period since I was a child that I’ve been consistently gendered by others as a woman. It’s a little trippy and there are days when I want to kick guys who trip over themselves to open a door for me (unless I have the baby, in which case all I am is profusely grateful). Anyway, I’ll be crossing my fingers for you!

  9. This is exciting! I’m so happy for you all.
    When is it ever the “perfect” time to add more squishy love, you all know what works for your family so that’s all that matters. I can’t wait to read more. Good luck for your appointment. XXX

  10. Oooooeeeemmmmgeeeee! So exciting!!! Woot, woot! Will be sending you lots of positive vibes. How exciting. Tell folks to not worry so much about what’s going on in your family’s house. So excited about this turn of events! 🙂

  11. Wowzas!!! I was not expecting this! You may have mentioned this before, but were there plans to use your eggs at some point? I hope you have a good meeting on Monday!

    • I was gonna use my eggs initially, but with the PCOS, the ridiculously irregular periods that even birth control cant help (no seriously, I had a period that was 42 days long, and every day was like day 2 until the last 4 days), and the fact that we have 7 frozen embryos, we just figured it would be the easiest way. We decided that right after Callie’s retrieval. We also want our kids to be biological siblings, because (knock on wood) you never know. And the boys are so damned cute, why wouldn’t we want another one like them!?!

      • I hear ha! We are on the fence about another one and using my eggs too when we have some snow babies still. Reciprocal IVF is such an amazing experience and I’m looking forward to following this new chapter.

      • Yeah, my insurance covers IVF, but i’m definitely not trying to go through everything that Callie went through..she is much stronger than I am…initially, when we hypothetically talked about other kids and mentioned it to my parents that we werent using my eggs, mt mom especially got a little sad about it, but she gets it now…it just makes sense not to “waste” the ones that are already there…and you should totally have another one!

  12. Yippee! That is such great news. We are already talking about another. My partner never thought she would carry but she comes from a family of fertile myrtles and we wanted to move things along. I always wanted to carry but have pcos and it’s been causing issues – so we are planning on ivf with me. Can’t wait to hear how it goes! Educate me 🙂 and good luck! (And a big giant F you to the naysayers!)

    • How old is your first?! Yeah, PCOS id no joke, and ridiculously annoying. It sucks because the only way to get it under control is to lose weight, but PCOS makes it difficult to keep the weight off so its a stupid vicious cycle…IVF is the craziest thing…for a year and a half Callie could not get pregnant and had stupid unexplained infertility…one round of IVF and POOF! SO those 7 frozen embryos we have, we have to use them somehow! Good luck with IVF!!! That’s exciting stuff and exciting times! Thanks for the luck!

      • Our baby girl is only 2mos 😉 And we are already talking about trying when she turns 1 at the latest. And yes I can completely feel you on the PCOS/losing weight bullshite cycle… Good luck!!!

  13. SO freaking excited & totally knew that’s what this entry would be about! I also have PCOS and and one point in my teens is was exceptionally bad … I’ll be anxious to see how the doctor bits play out for you. Ahhhh! You & Callie are awesome… And if it feels right, then it’s right, you know? There will always be somebody in the world thinking you’re crazy… But they aren’t YOU.

    • Thanks for the love and supprt! You’re right! Someone will always have something to say…we just have to do what works for us…it’s going to be crazy for sure, but we are totally ready… and PCOS sucks so bad…LEt’s see how this RE appointment plays out!

  14. Wow, this post left me in tears last night. The love you two have for each other is one in a million. I’m so happy you are both on the same page to go through with this. You’re right, you don’t want to NOT experience this and then regret it down the line. FET would be perfect! Too bad you’re not doing it any sooner I have almost a full bottle of Lupron left (only had to use that bottle a few days). Good luck! I can not wait to read your updates!!!!!!!!!!!!

  15. This is such great news! As you know we’re still on the fence about another but we would want to have them close together if we are going to do it. If Lesley offered her uterus we’d be trying now. 🙂 I think there are so many advantages to having kids so close and as lesbians we get to cash in on those!

  16. This is super exciting! Your early path and gender struggles remind me so much of my wife’s (who ended up carrying). Also, I’m totally envious of a big family – hurrah for taking the leap!

  17. Ahhhhhhhhh!! This is so exciting! As someone who waited to get started and now, 2 years later is still trying to add a sibling to the family, I say DON’T wait. I too have PCOS but my docs say that my MTHFR is what has likely caused my difficulty getting pregnant. I know lots of gals with PCOS that didn’t have a problem getting knocked up as I’m sure you won’t either. At the end of the day, you never know until you try. Sending so much good luck and baby dust your way. 🙂

  18. You have NO idea how happy this makes me! 🙂 You two make the BEST babies, so more loved, cherished, beautiful babies just makes my planet a whole lot sweeter. ❤

  19. You’re a brave pair! I mean you’re making your dreams come true knowing that you’ll have the strength to make it work no matter what happens – I’m too much of a ditherer, I’d spend too much time panicking and worrying about What If’s!

    Also – you and I are going to *fingers crossed* be carrying our wives babies at pretty much the same time, right? Tres exciting!

    Can I refer you back to an old blog I used to read? She doesn’t blog any more but her wife does – very good writer, she wrote about being butch and pregnant, talked around some of the issues around gender identity and carrying around a huge lump of baby! Perhaps you’ll already know about it …. https://butchandpregnant.wordpress.com/ If you’ve not already come across her, a read back over her archives will prove entertaining at the least!

  20. I think this is great news! Yes, you are a bit off your rocker for wanting it so soon after everything you went through and are going through,but there’s never a “good time” is there? I will be looking forward to hearing all about the coming journey. I can’t wait for Kate to be pregnant and hoped he wants to do it asap also!!

  21. Pingback: A Whole Year | thechroniclesofanonbellymama

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