Callie and I have always known that we wanted a big family. 5 children is our ideal. She always knew that she wanted to carry, and even after having to be on bed rest for a little less than half of her pregnancy, she can’t wait to feel a baby moving around inside of her again. I, on the other hand, didn’t really feel that maternal need to carry until I was probably 25 or 26. It was all cool and dandy to have babies, but only if my partner was having them. I was more than prepared to be the other parent, and not giving birth to them was just fine by me!
I have always struggled with my gender identity and gender expression. There are many times in my life (like when I was in my late teens and early 20’s) when I tried my hardest to pass as a boy. I would bind my chest (2 ace bandages and a compression shirt, tight undershirt and then whatever I was wearing), got short haircuts or my hair braided, and tried to find “casual encounters” on Craigslist where I would post ads in “W4W” but explain that I was to be seen as a “boi” and would act like one (read: I would bring my favorite “attachment”). I never wanted to be pregnant, mainly because I didn’t want people to see me as any less masculine. Lots of the time I don’t even tell people my real name (which is super pretty and feminine) for fear that it just sounded weird and didn’t go well with my personality or appearance. During the two years that I worked really hard on myself, I realized that I had to let go of some of those things that were plaguing me. That there were things in my life that I would be really sad about if I didn’t get to experience them myself, no matter what gender I felt that I associated with. One of those things was pregnancy. I don’t know where my life is going to take me a few years from now, or what will happen in the future, but I do know, that I would be really sad if I weren’t able to carry at least one child. PCOS, Uterine Fibroids, and Breast Cancer are things that are very common with the women in my family. My mother had both a hysterectomy when she was in her late 30’s from fibroids so bad that they NEEDED to remove everything as there was no saving anything, and a double mastectomy from the cancer. Thank goodness that she is very well now, but the fact that 2 of my mothers 3 sisters also experienced the same fate within a few months of each other, makes me fearful that it’s now or never.
After much talking, assessing our financial situation, considering how Mary’s adoption would/could play out and affect our family, age, potential medical issues, our ideal age gap between children, and if emotionally we were both ready to take on any other challenges, we decided that, YES! We are going to have another baby!!! We’re crazy, I know!!!! After having spent almost $25,000 trying to get pregnant the first time, having our savings account dwindle almost down to nothing since Callie has been home for almost 7 months now, two infants and a 7 year old, you would think that having more children would be the last thing that we wanted to do, but no! It’s not. It keeps sneaking to the forefront of all of our thoughts, conversations and other decisions. Planning our vacation, “Put what if we’re pregnant then?” Making plans for a friends wedding in May 2016, “But what if we’re pregnant then?” Making sushi dinner plans with friends, “BUt what if we’re pregnant then?!?!” It doesn’t go away! We’re gonna get a lot of shit from our parents, for sure. And we might be making a not-so-smart choice, but we can’t help but feel like this is the right thing for us to do. The right thing for our family. So on Monday afternoon, we will go for a consultation with our RE to find out what the next steps would be for me to do a Frozen Embryo Transfer with one of Callie’s frozen embies. Not sure how PCOS plays a role in transfers, so I’ll be googling my life away at work this week.
I have to admit, I’m scared outta my mind, but so excited about what could potentially happen in a months time. Hopefully, by my birthday on the first day of summer, I’ll be able to share some good news…it’s not often a lesbian gets to say, “I’m pregnant with my wife’s baby!” Can’t wait!