Time

When I was single, I had so much time to do absolutely nothing, that most of it was spent sleeping during the day, and partying it up at night.  I was the host of a popular lesbian open mic night, I worked for Ci.ty Year, an Ameri.Corps program for $250/week no matter how many hours I worked, I spent hours at Central Park and meandering around NYC.  I met tons of people, ate at really random places, and enjoyed getting on a subway from Midtown down to my 5 bedroom brownstone in Sunset Park, Brooklyn with my 7 roommates, roof access with an AMAZING view of Manhattan, and a few bottles of Old English 40oz Malt Liquor.  I thought that life really couldn’t get much better than that.  I had amazing friends, an unlimited Metrocard, and a big city to get lost in.  Life was good!

When I decided to get into a serious relationship with Callie, time stood still, or at least I wanted it to.  I was in an outpatient treatment program from my depression and anxiety most of the day, but after 3pm, I couldn’t wait for Callie to get out of work, and she would scoop me up in her black Santa Fe, and we would make our way to pretty much anywhere.  We would go back to her parents boat and fish off of the dock.  We would BBQ steak in my parents backyard, and watch my niece run around.  We would go to the park and hold hands and sit on the bench watching the world around us.  We would bowl, and go to amusement parks, and travel together.  Our time during the beginning of our relationship was sacred.  Hallowed even…spending so much time together really cemented the love and dedication that we feel and have for each other.  Our time was spend building a bond that would take us onto the next few chapters of our life together.  Time with Callie has always been and will always be one of my favorite things…she’s my best girl, my best friend, the love of my life! With Callie, life is amazing.

Knowing that we were ready to take the step towards having children, we spoke about how little time we would potentially have together.  That now, our time would be dedicated to raising a family.  We knew that somehow we would still have to take some time for ourselves, no matter how difficult.  Time, for me, is different now.  With a 7 year old and 2 newborns, it’s no longer spent frivolously and senselessly.  No more lazy Saturdays in bed.  No more binge watching Netflix until 3am every Friday night.  No more spontaneous trips to PA, or weekend beach rentals with co-workers. Every second of the day is calculated and has purpose.  3am is feeding time.  8am Saturday morning is Mary’s breakfast time. 7pm is “get the kids ready for bed” time.  9pm is “cuddle with Callie” time.  10pm is “get to bed because you have to do it all over again tomorrow” time.  If i get a shower in then that’s pretty awesome! Netflix might just get cancelled because who has time for that!?  Time is a different beast now, and I find that when maybe 5 years ago, I had so much time that I didn’t know what to do with it (I literally made stuff up to do all the time, like joining an LGBT softball league just so I could go to the bar after games on weekends and kill some time!!!)  What I wouldn’t do for just two minutes of peace while using the restroom without having to hurry to tend to a crying baby or two, or answer homework questions as my 7 year old yells at me that she “just doesn’t get it” behind a closed (partially closed) door.  Even the cat has been needing time for extra cuddles, probably feeling neglected from all the time that has been consumed by everything else.  At this point in my life, I’m realizing that time needs to be spent on my family, work, my relationship with my wife, and less on nights out, movies and TV series, and complaining about not having anything to do.  It’s a difficult transition, believe me!  As overwhelming as this stage of my life can feel (2 newborns, possible adoption, financial struggles, new job, health issues, wife losing her job, and all this terribly cold weather), I’m realizing that my time is now.  That my time in this life, no matter how limited or how abundant, is spent in the right way.  And the right way for me is with my wife and kids in this life that we have created together, because honestly, what would my time be like without them?  Empty and Lonely, that’s what it would be…and that’s something I definitely don’t have time for…

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24 thoughts on “Time

  1. I love your perspective about handling all the chaos. I suspect after years of being able to do what you want when you want, it is hard to transition to being a new and big family. But as you say, the chaos and unknowns are so much better then being empty and lonely. So long as each and every crazy moment is filled with love, then it’s worth it! 🙂

  2. I love your posts about you and Callie. You two are a special couple, perfect halves that have found each other. Your single time sounds like my single time was- so much freedom, so much leisure time. But you’re right, your life might be lacking in time, but it is so abundant and full right now that it’s busting at the seams with love. Hopefully once the babies get easier, you’ll have more time to savour each moment.

    • Yeah, it’s getting a little closer, this adoption thing…Mary’s mom has been screwing up big time, and this was her last chance, so our worker has filed the Termination of Parental Rights paperwork for the next hearing on 4/15, but I’ll write a little more about that in a post…It’s not only possible, it’s probable and very likely!

  3. Agreed and so beautifully put, my friend. I love the love you and Callie share – it is so special!

    I agree with you on time. I really, truly ACHE for and miss my freedom sometimes. What I wouldn’t GIVE for one freakin’ weekend that didn’t involve being revolved around a child. I know that makes me sound horrible but oh godddd I took my freedom for granted when I had it! I wouldn’t change a THING about my life. And like you, I lived my single, pre-kid days to the fullest. I just miss it sometimes!

    • You don’t sound horrible at all. Everyone needs a break at some point! And it’s harder for you since you are pretty much on your own…sometimes, I long for those days of the past, especially when my 30 something friends are all getting together for a crazy karaoke night and staying out to all hours, or when all I want to do is “cuddle” with Callie on the couch and not worry about the possibility of a baby crying 3.5 seconds after a cuddle session starts…but truth is, would I be as happy and fulfilled as I am now…nahhh..probably not! I loved those days for sure, but I think I love these days more!

  4. I couldn’t do it swipply, I’m just not ready to grow up. It’s kinda a blessing and a curse at the same time. I’m proud of you though for doing the right thing. I love you my swipply. You are always in my good graces.

  5. I love this post because it is so honest, real and true. You life pre-family, pre-“settling down” sounds amazing. I don’t have a child yet (well, I kind of do but I don’t have to feed and bathe her yet) but I know that I’ve been very worried about how J and I will adjust. We started out with no time already – we both work incredibly demanding jobs and are already so busy. We’ve already given up going out, except occasionally to dinner, because we were ready and grew up a bit. I guess you could say we became boring, although we love it. I think marriage and kids is only one option of many – it’s a lifestyle choice, not an assumption anymore – but also, I don’t want to be in my forties and have no family . I don’t want to be 45 and going out to the bar and dating different women. As difficult as I know it’s going to be, I want to have a stable job, a child, my wife, a little family, and a home. You have these things and I know how much they mean to you. It will definitely pay off! Thanks for being real though, and talking about such unavoidable changes… Hugs!

    • It’s crazy because I knew the changes were coming, but I didn’t realize how much they would actually change my life. Or how quickly it would all happen. Literally one day to the next! Growing up isn’t easy, but when you get home from a hard day at work, and your baby hears your voice, and starts cooing and laughing and kicking their legs with glee, it’s soooooo totally worth it! Can’t wait for your little lady so that see how it changes, and how it’s amazing…

      • I know it’s going to be incredibly difficult. I’m old enough and have enough mom friends to understand the way children change your whole life and identity. But like you describe, that feeling of family and connection is unbeatable 🙂

  6. So right on point. Gosh those careless times? They seem do long ago. I have realized that with kids in the mix , I love my husband differently. Not good different or bad different. Just differently because of the priority shifts.

  7. Your life is anything but empty, that’s for sure! It seems that no matter how hard you try to prepare yourself for these changes, you’re just not going to be able to grasp them until they’re right in front of you. I am trying really hard to prepare by telling myself that I have no idea what’s coming and that I need to be okay with that.

    I am looking forward to hearing more about what’s happening with Mary. Poor munchkin.

  8. Pingback: Throwback Thursday | thechroniclesofanonbellymama

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