I entered this blog post last night, but I’m not sure why it’s not showing up in the feed.  Here it is anyway, for anyone interested in reading it… There is Something About Mary .

Then you’ll understand the rest of this post.

Mary’s mom finally made contact, after 3 weeks or not calling and not showing up to meetings, visits, and sessions.  Her excuse?  She has been having a hard time getting off from work, and her phone was broken…for 3 weeks.  I’m the type of person that gives everyone the benefit of the doubt, but this sounds a little fishy to us.  The case worker text me yesterday asking if it was alright for her to switch her visit from Thursday at 3:30 to Wednesday at 3:30 since she was able to clear out some stuff on her schedule and it was imperative that she speak to us as soon as she could as she had FINALLY received an email from Mary’s mom.  Unfortunately, I was at work, but Callie was home and was able to see her, and boy was she ever pissed!

According to her, there are lots of things that she will tolerate.  Not communicating with the case workers is one that is a non-negotiable.  Mary’s mom gave her a ton of excuses as to why she wasn’t able to call, or email, or find any way to communicate with any of the workers or therapists.  I don’t think the case worker was buying it, at all.  She spoke to Callie for a while about feeling like the inconsistency has gone on long enough, and that she feels mostly bad for Mary, who doesn’t deserve to be lied to every week about her mother’s whereabouts.  That Mary is going through a ton of transitions right now, and the last thing she needs is her mother’s absence.  That she will officially be starting Termination of Parental Rights paperwork(TPR’s) this week.  In the next few months we will know if Mary will become permanent in our home and has found her forever family who loves her dearly, or if she will be dragged through the foster care system a little longer in hopes that her mom gets it together.  Either way, in NY state, if a child is in care for 15 out of 22 months, unless the judge orders some sort of stipulation or appeal, a child will automatically get a TPR.  Looks like we just might have some adoption paperwork to fill out in our near future.  We are scared, nervous, excited, worried about the rug being pulled out from under us, and feeling a bit overwhelmed.  We want what’s best for Mary in the end.  Let’s see how this plays out in court in April.  We have our fingers crossed for our little Mary.

36 thoughts on “TPR

  1. That poor sweet girl. How long has she been with you now? I can’t even imagine how hard it must be for her to have a mom who is such an idiot. My heart just breaks for her. I’m so glad she has the two of you to rely on. You have made such wonderful strides with her, and it’s easy to see how a little bit of stability can go a long way for a little one. You’re all in my thoughts!

    • It’ll be a year the second week in march. Poor thing has no clue what’s going on, and we keep having to lie to her about why mom hasn’t showed up in weeks. It’s just a tough predicament for all of us to be in. And she really has changed so much…i can write a book about it!

      • Mom gets to make the mess and you guys get to clean it up. It must be so hard. I was just sort of talking about you two and the challenges with Mary’s mother the other day to a colleague of mine who was just approved for foster/adopt and is currently waiting for a placement. Her ultimate goal is to adopt rather than just foster for pretty much this exact reason–she just doesn’t want to have to deal with the family drama involved with reunification. She’s waiting for a sibling pair around 5-8 years old, and then I have another good friend who’s about to have her foster/adopt homestudy and is also going to be waiting for a 5-8 year old girl. I’m going to have to send her to your blog one of these days!

      • Yeah, with other foster friends that we have we have seen both ends of the spectrum… One kids mom hasn’t seen him since May 7, and when my friend father was dying she had to go to Vegas to visit him but she couldn’t take the 11month old with her because the mother has a fear of flying so she didnt want her son on a plane. He’s 11 months old and she hasn’t seen him and can give him permissions to whether or not he can go on a trip! She hasn’t even bought the kid a freaking bib! And then there are families like Mary’s that want to be super involved (especially her nosy good for nothing aunt). It can go either way with family, but really, it’s hardly ever a good mix. Too much resentment on both ends, but we do our best to be supportive of Mary’s mom, but she’s breaking her heart, and in turn ours…it’s just all really sad…and heck yeah! Send her over to my blog!

  2. Poor Mary! I feel bad for her in this situation, but so thankful she has you both. I hope that you get the adoption so she can stick with a family that loves and cares about her instead of going back into the system!

  3. Oy, this sounds so difficult. I am sure all of your emotions are raw. Personally, I hope she gets her TPR and that you become her permanent family, because it’s so obvious what wonderful parents you are to her. Either way, you can know you did your very best and gave her all of the strength and confidence in herself that you could!

    • That’s the only thing we can really count on at this point–> knowing that we tried out hardest and we did our best to secure a place in our home for Mary. The system can be so jacked sometimes though (most of the time in our experience). We’ll just have to wait and see

  4. WordPress glitches suck. I’m glad you linked to your post from yesterday. I’m in shock at the shit that you ladies and Mary have been put through. The birthday voicemail made me cry. As a kid of irresponsible and inconsistent absentee parents, I can honestly say that no matter how much things are sugar coated, Mary knows what is going on. Thankfully for her, you guys have provided a nurturing environment where she can build up her self-esteem, and value herself outside of her relationship with her mother. Does her mother have substance abuse issues? The long periods of MIA make me suspect it. I hope you guys are coping okay. It sounds really overwhelming, especially with two bubbas at home who need you too. Take care of each other.

    • Yeah, there are substance abuse issues. That’s the initial reason she was taken away the first time. AND she’s pregnant, AND has a new boyfriend, so who knows…we suspect that she used and needed enough time for everything to be out of her system before contacting anyone in case they would test her, which of course is a per-condition to seeing her daughter again, as we were just informed that her her visits are cancelled indefinitely. The voicemail was heartbreaking, trust me. You had to hear her…we’re doing okay with it, but it’s emotionally draining to see “your kid” suffering and feeling down and hurt, especially with the lack of sleep and hormones all over the place…it’s fair to say, it’s been tough…

    • It is technically, under FMLA, but that only last 12 weeks, and she’s been out well over that amount of time. But right now, we are talking to some people and getting as much info as we can to find out if we need to get a lawyer involved. But i” write that post later tonight or tomorrow because it’s truly blowing mine!

      • Yes, I imagine that it must be a headache to have to deal with too. I hope you get it sorted out, and if not, that somehow the universe finds Callie an even better job to go back to (if she wants to).

      • It’s funny how Karma works…Callie just called me to tell me that her assistant director is texting her to tell her that her HR people are requesting copies of all of her FMLA documentation because they can’t seem to find it and apparently they deleted some stuff accidentally because they didn’t think they would need to, to which Callie said, “I wish they would call me so i can tell them to go fuck themselves!!” Karma is an interesting thing, because they sneaky way they did this is just unreal, but it’ll fill you guys in once i get some more deets.

  5. This post and the one you linked to broke my heart. Children should never have to go through some of the shit their “parents” put them through. I am so very glad that you guys have been able to show her what a loving and caring family environment is. I hope that is able to continue. You have a lot on your plate and I wish you all much love and strength.

  6. I’m in tears over how Mary’s mother has treated her. What I have learned from going through the adoption process is that really, there is no “winner” in any of these situations, they all begin with loss and pain. I am so very, very glad that Mary has you all, and you have her, for however long that may be. Know that there are those of us who are rooting for the most benevolent outcome for your little girl, whatever that may be.

    • Thank you…and you’re right…there is NO WINNER. She’s gonna hurt regardless of whatever direction this takes. She tells us all the time “When I’m here i miss my mom, but when I’m with my mom, I miss you guys and i just wanna come home”…so I know that she is undeniably conflicted about the whole situation, and it doesn’t help that we can’t tell her the truth but have to continuously lie about where mom is, therefore protecting her. It’s frustrating. But we hope for the best outcome for Mary, whatever that may be…

  7. I hope for a positive outcome for everyone. It’s strange that mom went from clingy and gift obsessed to distant. That sends a mixed message to Mary. I hope you all can hang in there a little longer until the conclusion. Hugs

    • That was the thing that we said. For a month before her birthday she kept promising her a “Frozen” birthday cake and insisted that Mary ask us if it was OK to give it to her, and then she doesn’t show?!?! It’s super weird of her because for months she’s been so consistent and present.

      • Sounds to me she fell off the wagon and was embarrased to show her face…..she’s struggling I’m sure.

  8. I’m first commenting on Mary’s post. That situation is beyond heartbreaking to me for all parties involved. I can imagine being in her or your shoes. I hope you can adopt her cause it sounds like she’s have a much more safe and sound place with you guys.

  9. My heart breaks for little Mary. I feel like you and Callie have done amazing things for this little girl and I’m wishing you all the best

  10. My heart sank reading this. I am so impressed with how good of a job you and Callie did with making her birthday special, something she will probably remember for the rest of her life, but I can only imagine Mary’s and your heartbreak when her mom was unable/unwilling to make an effort to speak to her on her birthday. Just heartbreaking.
    That little girl is clearly such an amazing human being, and I so wish no child was ever in this position, but at least she has you and Callie in her life to support her and show her what love really is.
    And seriously, I cannot believe Callie has been replaced! I can only imagine how stressful that is for the both of you right now. Sending you the most hopeful and positives wishes ever, that as this door has been closed another much better one will open.

  11. Oh wow, TPR is serious business. Keeping you and your family in my thoughts. I hope that the judge makes a decision based on what truly is in the best interest of Mary.

  12. Pingback: TPR Revisited | thechroniclesofanonbellymama

  13. Oh my! This breaks my heart for Mary! It’s so ironic (and infuriating) when you see the lengths people go to have children while others could care less about the ones they have. Hoping that these months go by quickly for your family.

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