What This Community Has Given Me

I came into this blogging world with a simple idea. Write, write , write. Document your life, if not for you, then for your future wife and children so that they know what you were going through while waiting for their arrival. Record Callie’s changes while recording my own. Express my fear, joy, expectations and disappointment. I never thought that I would become a part of such an incredible community and that my life, my laughter, my tears, would be embraced the way that they have been. That I would have connected on such a deep level with people that I technically don’t know. That I would care so much about their lives and their triumphs and sadness, and feel what they feel right with them. Never in a million years did I anticipate words connecting with so many souls. Simple words…

This has been a really trying month for us. We’ve moved, received a new foster baby and embraced and welcomed her into our home, executed an amazing gender reveal party, took a child for respite care, (on a positive note) went on a much needed babymoon, and have visited the hospital because of (way too early) contractions. We’ve had issues with Mary’s mom, not very clear answers from our case workers, and sleepless nights because of two very sick girls with belly bugs. Let’s not forget to mention laundry, cooking, cleaning, groceries, homework and teething! This post isn’t about any of that though.

Today has been one of the scariest days in my life so far. I thought that our scare with Callie bleeding at the beginning of our pregnancy was the worst thing I had every experienced, until today. After 3 days on bed rest Callie woke up, went to the bathroom and noticed lots of blood when she wiped. She looked down into the toilet and realized that there was a lot of red. Very bright, gritty, grainy blood. She called me straight away at work and in a panicked voice, “Blood!” That’s all I got. That’s all I heard. My heart sank. Initially, when we experienced this some months ago, I freaked (naturally!) but my connection and bond wasn’t as strong. It wasn’t as pronounced. I hadn’t known my children. I hadn’t named them. I hadn’t felt and seen them kicking and squirming. I hadn’t experienced seeing them play together. I hadn’t sung to them, and I hadn’t pushed them back when they kicked me. The connection is different. I love my boys. Before, I loved the idea of having them with me, but I was learning and growing to love them everyday. Now, the idea of not having them makes me sick to my stomach.

As tears streamed down my face while I drove down I-95, I envisioned the worst. I got home as quickly as I could. Callie was waiting, red faced and teary eyed, trying to hold it together so Mary wouldn’t worry about the boys (she’s incredibly attached) and when I walked to her, we moved into the bedroom and she cried. She cried and worried and cried some more. I changed clothes, helped her put her Uggs on (officially Ugg season In NY and she is so excited) waited for Pop (Callie’s dad) to show up and ran out the door as soon as he did. We were sent to Montefiore at Albert Einstein (because our Dr says its a level 4 NICU in case we had to deliver TODAY they’d be getting the best care possible) and had every test you can imagine. First, worst hospital EVER! No seriously, I’m writing this from the “lounge” (hardest, most uncomfortable chairs ever!) after having been in L&D since about 10am, and now at 7pm (on the dot) we are still sitting here waiting for results of blood work from 2pm. No they haven’t forgotten about us (I asked, 4 times!) and no, they still don’t have the results. Second, bedside manor is comparable to a lobotomy! Long story short (too late, I know) everything with the boys is fine. Heart beats are normal, cervix is closed (and 3.2cm LONG), but the contractions are still coming on. The baby bump still hardens every 10-15 minutes or so. Babies and Mommy are still safe, still cozy, still sane (I hope) and still waiting.

This whole time, I didn’t know what to do. I reached out to a fellow blogger and vented. I shared my fears and she reassured me. I told her what was going on and she let me know it would all be fine. She asked what was happening and touched base. She asked how I was doing and if I needed anything. 30 minutes later, a nurse comes in and says there is something for us. A young man walks in, with a vase full of beautiful flowers and a card that read “We are thinking of you. Cook those babies a little longer so one day our twins will hang out. Love, Ashley and Devon“. This touched our hearts in a way that we can’t explain. There are no words. Perfect strangers, connected, by intangible emotions and a shared experience. Sharing each other’s pain and helping to lessen the load. What they have done for us today, simply by brightening a room and by sharing their love and support has reminded us that this community is real. That these people are real and that we truly do care about one another and that these rooms have power and love and light. But love…mostly love…

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53 thoughts on “What This Community Has Given Me

  1. Amazing. What a beautiful gesture. Omg we are thinking of you guys extra hard tonight! And we are just a hop, skip, and a jump up I-95 so holler if you need anything at all. You two just concentrate on healthy thoughts. Lots of love from Boston. -Kate and Em

  2. Holy shit. How are you holding up? We are thinking of you, Callie, and the boys. What an amazing gesture of support from Ash and Devan. I am constantly touched by people’s kindness. I honestly don’t think that I would be getting through all of this TTC craziness without you all.

    • Holy shit is right! We’re fine now, but we were emotionally drained last night. Everyone is doing well, despite the care. OB apt today to assess what the hell is going on. And you’re right, there is a lot of strength, wisdom, and hope in these blogs…thanks for the love…

  3. That was a wonderful post and gift from those wonderful girls. I’m sorry sorry you guys are going through this right now I can only imagine the fears and anxiety you both are dealing with. This community it for these times, the tough times. It’s when you feel our love the most and I’m glad your a part of that community for others as well. Xo

  4. Sounds like you guys are going through a lot. But don’t fret unless you absolutely have to. I cannot imagine, at all, what you guys are going through. But don’t panic! Stay strong. You’re doing swell so far!

  5. Oh! This gave me chills and made me am misty! I am so sorry the scares continue and that you are having to even think about this. And I am glad Ashley and Devon were there for you in the moment you most needed them. I’ve also had amazing moments of connection with other bloggers and it is beautiful. Sending you all the love in the world!

    • Thanks Andie…yeah, we want them to bake as long as possible, and besides, we aren’t ready for them yet! But luckily everything still looks good, so the constant contractions are really throwing us off. And it warms your heart when your blog friends do these little amazingly kind gestures to help you get through…it really is touching…All that love is being received so thank you…

  6. My stomach was in my throat as I read this. I had spotting/bleeding several times throughout my pregnancy and spent the night in L&D at 22 weeks with bleeding/contractions. It was absolutely terrifying, so I definitely understand what you two are going through. Are they giving her anything to stop the contractions? Sorry you are dealing with BS at the hospital, last thing you need at a time like this. Praying for Callie and the boys.

    • It’s the scariest thing, isn’t it?! I was freaking! They gave her a shot of terbutaline on Thursday night, but that didn’t last very long! When she woke up friday morning and we head over to our OB, so had 3 contraction (and STRONG ones) in 30 minutes. But it looks like everything is normal and the babies are fine. They have plenty of fluid, cervix is still closed and long. We have no clue…we are heading over to the OB today as well when I get out of work, so hopefully we will get some more definitive answers…did they figure out why you were bleeding and contracting? And thank you for the prayers, they fill our hearts…

      • Not really. Prior bleeding was from a partial previa, they thought that it could have been blood from the previa resolving itself and the contractions were set off by the blood. They stopped after they gave me indomethacin. I had more blood that week but took it really easy and I didn’t bleed the rest of the pregnancy thankfully.

      • That’s good…did they put you on bed rest, or did you just decide on your own that taking it easy was the way to go. They also told us that the boys are big, and that Callie is carrying like she is 7-8 months pregnant, so perhaps her body is thinking it’s almost time which it’s not!

      • Those boys need to stay in there and cook! I was on pelvic rest for most of my pregnancy- which is no exercise or sex. After my bleeding at 22 weeks my OB had me take a week of modified bed rest- no cooking/cleaning/working. I went back to work, but my spouse didn’t want me cooking or cleaning almost the rest of the pregnancy. It was hard.

  7. Okay, tear jerker! You’re so right about everyone being “real people.” I told my wife….. I have no idea what I would do without reading the experiences you ladies go through. I hope everything goes well. I will say a prayer for you ladies and your babies. God bless you (and Ashley & Devon for having such pure and kind hearts). Keep us posted.

    • Thanks! It’s true…there is so much experience and kindness and love in this community. You always “hear” what you need to and the support that you receive can be overwhelming sometimes. Callie loves hearing everyone’s stories and it’s one of those things that has become part of our lives. Putting the girls to bed, cuddling, then reading blogs out loud in bed…Thank you for the prayers…we accept them with open hearts…all our love to you ladies…

      • I agree. I rarely check my FB anymore because #1 people annoy me and #2 no one has anything interesting to say that I can relate to. I mean, they also don’t “know” what’s going on. A few people have an idea but don’t know how far we’ve come and we want to keep it that way. This community is amazing. I can’t wait to share my stories soon ❤️

  8. Yikes, this is terrifying. I’m so sorry you two are going through this and I truly hope and am praying that the doctors can get your boys to stay put. I am always amazed and so deeply grateful for the love and support this community shares. So many of us are cheering for your boys and keeping you and Callie in our thoughts.

    • I don’t think I have ever experienced fear like that in my life, and I’ve jumped out of a plane voluntarily! We are praying too, hard…i wish they could just give us a reason as to why she is contracting so much because it seems like everything is fine otherwise. This community is truly something else…I’m so glad I found it and all of you, your stories, your families and your love. It’s been a true blessing…thank you for your thoughts and prayers…we accept them and embrace them…love right back at you…

  9. Oh hun… That sounded absolutely terrifying. How are things now?? Are you all ok?? What happens next?

    This community is amazing. It has its ups and downs, but the majority of the time it’s somewhere you can call home.

    • It was the worst! So freaking scary! I spent most of the day on the edge of my seat…As of right now, we have an OB appointment this afternoon to monitor some more and try and figure out what is up with these contractions. They think the bleeding is from vaginal trauma (a transvaginal ultrasound from last friday) but no clue about these contractions. So we will figure out today what is going on, hopefully. I’ll keep you posted…But right now, everyone is ok and doing well. Boys were kicking like crazy last night.

  10. Scary scary scary! Good that you are in the hospital with the best NICU. I hope their awful service and bedside manner is because they are busy saving lives in the NICU! Kia kaha – have strength. Seeing love from New Zealand.

    • Thank you hon…yeah, we weren’t even concerned with the service ans staff. My nephew was born at that hospital at 28 weeks, so we knew that the NICU was incredible..he is doing exceptionally well and will be turning 2 on the 21st! So we didn’t pay them any mind, it was just irritating because you would think they would show a little more compassion. Thankfully, everyone is fine and well. Thank you…receiving all this love! ❤

  11. Ya like my shameless plug, it IS my website! Ok let me just say I am no longer reading your blog in public, least of all on my way to work. Ppl always looking at me like “you need a tissue”. I just put on eyeliner!!! Love you guys!!!

  12. Good grief, ladies. What a last couple of days for you both. Glad to hear everyone is doing well and this community is carrying you through with hope, prayers, best wishes, and love. What a thoughtful gesture from those ladies, and all of those on here who are so invested in your family.

    Hope they have some answers for you soon, and meanwhile, please tell Callie she’s doing such an amazing job keeping those babies happy and healthy in there.

    Sending you all the best. Hang in there. Love to you and yours.

  13. You are All
    in our prayers! What a wonderful, kind person your fellow blogger was! Makes us all feel good that there are still amazing people in this world! Hang in there boys! Moms love to you both! Thank you for sharing your incredible experience, hope to see these two amazing bundles when I get to NY to visit Gary! Love Momma Contessa!

  14. Thinking of you and waiting for the updates! All kinds of good prayers and juju! I love this community too – it has definitely lifted me up on many an occasion. Hang in there!

  15. WOW, that is terrifying! I cried a little at the sweet gesture from your blogger buddies. How incredibly thoughtful!

    I’m sending prayers for you guys and your boys to hang in for another 10-12 weeks or so!

  16. I’m glad everyone is doing okay. That would be so scary. I had massive bleeding, but not until 36 weeks. I hope you get some answers and have an uneventful rest of the pregnancy.

  17. I’m new to your blog so I don’t know all the backstory but I just wanted to say that I’m glad the twins are okay and sending good vibes for the days and weeks to come. We just had our baby after an up and down pregnancy and a long road to parenthood so I feel your worry pain. It will get better!

  18. Well, first – I’m glad the babies are doing alright and Mama is ok. That has to be another scary moment. You guys have really been put through the ringer! Also, the outpouring of love and support has been beautiful for us as well and I just never expected it. It’s awesome, isn’t it!

  19. Pingback: You Gotta Do What You Gotta Do… | thechroniclesofanonbellymama

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