It’s fair to say that after almost a year and a half of TTC, hormones that made us BOTH crazy, Dr.’s appointments every other day, and my Callie just not feeling sexy and much like herself, WE ARE BACK IN ACTION! I repeat: WE ARE BACK IN ACTION! Not that we have every really been much of a sexual couple, but when it was time to get busy, we sure did! These past couple of months especially, have been TORTURE! Torture I tell you!!! Wanting to touch and caress every inch of Callie’s body and her not wanting much to deal with that, has been quite difficult. Even though she wasn’t pregnant at the time, the hormones were changing her body. She felt fat and not very attractive. Her weight was fluctuating and she was finding it hard to find things to wear that made her feel sexy. Hormones and stress were taking a toll on her skin and hair. She was overtired. She was anxious, nervous, and awaiting good news that seemed to never come. I wanted to reassure her that I saw her no differently and that she was still my beautiful Babeski (an affectionate term we made up and have convinced ourselves means “little piggy” in German which we actually found out is Saumensch which we occasionally call each other) but with things going on and her mind not being in the right place, it was difficult for her to let herself go and allow us to be. She was ok with it being like that for a while. I, on the other hand, damn near lost my sh*t recently.
In my own selfish way, I started feeling unattractive, fat, less than desirable, and like my “skills” weren’t up to par. “Am I a crappy lovemaker?” “Tell me what you want me to change!” “How long have you hated having sex with me?” “WHO ELSE ARE YOU F*CKING!?!?!?!?! All of these things, of course, were just me being ridiculous and needing to feel connected to my honey. Our schedules were on opposites, all these appointments, adjustments to our new school age foster daughters schedule with tutoring and therapy and visits with her mom, and just the madness of life was leaving us disconnected. I was looking for something that would bring us back together.
Well, Friday, we both decided to take the day off and “reconnect”, and boy did we ever! We reconnected alright! On the couch, in the shower, in the bedroom, on the boat, and last night we did a little reconnecting after we put the kiddo to bed. Maybe it’s all her pregnancy hormones or maybe my hormones with all this inducing lactation stuff, but finally, we are back! And being back feels good!